A little boy asked his father a question.
“Dad, I know that babies come from mommies’ tummies. But how do they get there in the first place?” he asked innocently. After dad hemmed and hawed for a while, the kid finally spoke up in disgust. “You don’t have to make something up, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”
There is a diner in New Orleans that advertises that it will serve you anything you want…but if they can’t, they will give you $5,000 as an apology. A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance…Thinking it’s probably a scam, he decides to try it out anyway. As he enters the diner, a waitress seats him at a table… She asks the man, “What can I get you, Sir? ”The man thinks for a moment then says, “How about an elephant’s ear and a muffin?
”The waitress replies, “You bet, I’ll be right back with your order. ”The waitress then heads back to the kitchen…After waiting nearly 20 minutes, the man begins to think that this is going to be an easy $5,000. At the same moment, the waitress returns… Appearing a little anxious, the waitress asks, “I’m sorry sir… ”“But would you mind telling me what kind of elephant you want this ear from? ”The man is stunned… “Uhhh, how about an Indian elephant.” replies the man. The waitress says, “Thank you, sir,” as she heads back to the kitchen.
Not a minute later, the waitress returns again…“I’m sorry sir, would you like the left or the right ear?” she asks. The man is starting to become very nervous at this point… “Uhhhh, the left ear, I guess. “Thank you, sir,” replies the waitress as she returns to the kitchen…The man is beginning to wonder what he has gotten himself into, as he has no idea what an elephant ear costs. A few minutes later, the waitress returns with a platter of food and a $5,000 check. The waitress tells the man, “Here is your order sir. “And please accept this check and our apologies… ”“But we are out of muffins today.”
The final exam for a class was scheduled from 8:00-11:00 AM At 10 AM, with one hour to go, Little Johnny walks in and asks for an exam: The professor hands it to him but informs him that he still must finish within the hour or he will receive a zero and fail the course. “That’s fine.” Said Johnny, and calmly took a seat and began the test. At 11:00, Johnny had not finished the test. The professor asked for the exam to be turned in.
“No, thank you.” Said Johnny “I’ll finish it. “I’m going to my office to grade these If you don’t turn it in now, you’ll receive a zero. “Okay then.” Said Johnny. At 1 PM, the professor heard a knock on his office door Not very much to his surprise, it was Johnny. “I’m here to turn in my exam.” Said the student. “Sorry, you can’t turn it in now The deadline was two hours ago.
“I understand I just thought it would be okay, you know, because of who I am. “What do you mean?” Asked the professor. “Oh, I’m sorry.” Laughed Johnny “Don’t you know who I am? ”At this point the professor became angry. “It doesn’t matter who you are! You have to meet the same requirements as everyone else! Nobody gets special treatment! “Okay, okay, I get it But you really don’t know who I am? “I have no idea who you are! ”At this moment, Johnny picks up the stack of exams, slips his into the middle and hands it back to the professor. “Have a great summer!” said Little Johnny, and left.
So, old Johnny goes into the car showroom and finds the car he wants to buy: Old Johnny asks the salesman not sell the particular model till the next day, since he wants to buy it on his birthday. The salesman gives his word.
The next day Johnny goes back to the showroom only to find the car being sold to a gorgeous young lady. Old Johnny pulls over the salesman and says. “I asked you to keep this car on hold for me, Not only didn’t you keep your word, I see you also sold it to that lady at a discounted rate. ”The salesman replies. “She insisted to buy only this car, and with a discount.
“Look how beautiful she is? How could I say no to her? ”The young lady interrupts them and walks up to old Johnny and gives the car keys to him. She smiles at the salesman, then turns back to old Johnny and says. “Didn’t I tell you they’d give me a discount? “Happy birthday Dad!”
Little Johnny was busy sleeping in the class when the lesson was going on. The teacher caught him and asked him. Teacher: Why are you sleeping while I was teaching? You are not listening!
Little Johnny: Madam, your voice was so sweet, that’s why I slept off. Teacher: Then why are others not sleeping? Little Johnny: Because they are not listening. Teacher: Ok, if you said you were listening, give me 10 examples of wild animals!
Little Johnny: Hahahahahaha, na this I can’t answer? Common ten examples of wild animals? Ma, the question is too cheap. Teacher: Just answer it. Little Johnny: Ok! Ten examples of wild animals are: 4 lions, 3 cobras, 2 tigers and 1 gorilla. Teacher fainted.
This Cop Was Pulling Someone Over When Suddenly A Drunk Man Got In His Patrol Car. What Happened Next Is Gold. A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line.. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus.
He didn’t want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”
Paddy and Mick were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came television on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
“I’ll bet you €10 he’ll jump,” said Paddy. “Bet you €10 he won’t,” said Mick. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. Mick hands Paddy the money. Mick hands Paddy the money. “I can’t take your money,” said Paddy.
“I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news. “No, no. Take it,” said Mick. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!!
Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are. ”The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”
One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age…” Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!” Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?” Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…”We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to him and said, “Don’t you know who I am? “The man replied, “Yep, sure do. ”Satan asked, “Aren’t you going to run? “Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man. Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me? “The man replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
Dad Gets A Shock When His Wife Reveals This About His Own Daughter. This Is Gold. One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get- well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing! ‘My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watched him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother would know…) ‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?’