Author: admin

One thing I noticed is that as I got older, I became a more “careful” driver. If this translates to “an old guy going slow,” so be it. I’m either not as fast at moving as I was when I was younger, or my reaction time is deliberately slower as I’ve become more aware of exactly what can go wrong behind the wheel of a vehicle. However, I really noticed it with my dad as he got older. I have distinct memories of him driving like a maniac when I was a kid, or at least it seemed like that at the time. There was also a fair amount of normal road rage (not the kind that involves fights and weapons – just normal driver’s irritation). However, my dad denies that he’s gotten slower. You be the judge! Enjoy the hilarious joke below.

Two elderly womeп were oᴜt driviпg iп a large car, пeither oпe coᴜld hardly see over the dashboard.

As they were crᴜisiпg aloпg, they came to aп iпtersectioп. The stoplight was red bᴜt they weпt oп throᴜgh.

The womaп iп the passeпger seat thoᴜght to herself, “I mᴜst be losiпg it, I coᴜld have sworп we jᴜst weпt throᴜgh a red light!”

After a few more miпᴜtes they came to aпother iпtersectioп, the light was red, aпd agaiп they weпt right throᴜgh.

This time, the passeпger was almost sᴜre that the light had beeп red, bᴜt was also coпcerпed that she might be seeiпg thiпgs. She was gettiпg пervoᴜs aпd decided to pay very close atteпtioп. At the пext iпtersectioп, sᴜre eпoᴜgh, the light was defiпitely red aпd they weпt right throᴜgh it.

She tᴜrпed to the other womaп aпd said, “Mildred!!! Did yoᴜ kпow we jᴜst raп throᴜgh three red lights iп a row? Yoᴜ coᴜld have killed ᴜs!”

Mildred tᴜrпed to her aпd said, “Oh My Gosh!! Am I driviпg!!?”

We will often keep secrets and may hold onto them for our entire life. Some of the secrets may be small, and others could be huge. In any case, it is sometimes an act of kindness if we avoid letting those secrets out when they could hurt someone.

One of the times in life when we will often let the secret out is when we are on our deathbed. There are things that we may just want to get off our chest, and that seems like the best time to do it. That is what happened in the following joke when a man let out a secret and left his wife dazed.

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears;

“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

You know what?”

“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

” I think you’re bad luck.”

There is something we are all born with, and as the years go by, we tend to get it more and more. I’m talking about intuition, which can help us get from day to day in the best way we can.

Sometimes, our intuition plays tricks on us, and at other times, it may be spot on. One thing is certain, we learn to trust it, and when it tells us something is wrong, we tend to believe it. That is what happened in the following joke, and when a husband acted on his intuition, it left his wife hanging.

A woman arrives home from work, and her husband notices she’s wearing a diamond necklace.

He asks his wife, “Where did you get that necklace?”

She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”

The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the bracelet?”

She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat.

He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?”

She replies, “Yeah, I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath, and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub.

She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub.”

He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet.

If you were to ask any dog owner about their dog, they would probably tell you it was the smartest pooch that they ever knew. Dogs just continue to amaze us and it doesn’t matter how many we’ve had in our lives, each one has something special about them. Then again, there are times when dogs go above and beyond and that certainly is the case in the following joke. It involves a dog that goes into a butcher shop to buy some lambchops. Of course, the butcher is amazed but then he is flabbergasted when he finally gets to the dog’s house. Enjoy the joke!

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. after a while he stands on his back paws to push the stop bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door.

He does this again and again. no answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “How smart can he be? It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”

When a man gets married, his time is no longer fully his own. This is only natural. Of course, our ladies want a lot of our time. They married us, after all, and that means that hopefully, they like us at least a little bit. However, people are individuals with their own interests. My wife would be the first to tell you that she enjoys her time alone, for example. I don’t need a lot of time away from my wife, but I do enjoy playing a video game or watching anime occasionally, both of which are activities my wife doesn’t enjoy. It’s important that people have their own thing that belongs to just them. With that said, some people have to be creative when they’re trying to get away. Enjoy this hilarious wholesome joke.

Pixabay

The Phone Rings In Dr. Stein’s House.

It’s 10 pm when the phone rings in Dr. Stein’s house.

“It’s Dr. Gold,” says his wife, passing him the phone. “I do hope it’s not another emergency.”

Dr. Stein takes the phone and says, “Hi, what’s up?”

“Don’t worry, everything’s OK,” replies Dr. Gold.

Pixabay

“It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a game of bridge and we’re short one player so we thought you might like to come over and join us?”

“Sure …. yes, of course,” replies Dr. Stein, putting on a serious voice,

“I’m leaving right now.” and he puts down the phone.

“What’s happened?” his wife asks, with a worried look.

“It’s very serious,” Dr. Stein replies. “They’ve already called three doctors.”

Ask any married couple and they are going to tell you that there are big differences between men and women. Some of those differences are easy to see and others may fly under the radar. In the end, however, the differences show up at the most unexpected times.

That fact is illustrated in the funniest way in the following joke. It involves a woman who is distraught after going out with her husband for an evening. She writes it all down in her diary and, the more she writes, the worse it gets. Just wait till you see the end!

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought Tom was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late for our date.

Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late; but he made no comment on it. So I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep – I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

Husband’s Diary:

Boat won’t start, can’t figure out why.

We may sometimes hear it said that when you are in a bad situation, the best thing to do is to pick the biggest and baddest person in the area and take them down. It establishes you as the leader or, at the very least, as somebody who is not going to put up with any nonsense.

Then again, there are also times when a little creativity is necessary in a bad situation. That is what we see in the following joke, and by the time we get to the punchline, you are going to be chuckling. Enjoy the funny.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”

Second Bull: “I’ve been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”

Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend.”

Second Bull: “I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: “Son, don’t be foolish — let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

Third Bull: “Nah, he can have all my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull.”

In some churches, you try to keep your private business to yourself. We know that it is difficult to do, because people love a good story and it isn’t long before our private issues are public knowledge.

There are also certain religions where you tend to confess your sins to those in charge. That was what happened in the following joke, but when too many people were confessing about committing adultery, the priest couldn’t take it any longer. Read on to find out the solution and how it backfired.

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery

One Sunday ,in the pulpit, he said “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit.”

However since everyone liked they came with a code word so that he didn’t know. So Someone who had committed adultery would say they had fallen.

This satisfied the old priest until he died a week later of ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest came arrives he visited the new mayor and seemed ever concerned.

The priest said ,” You have to do something in the sidewalks in town. When people come into the church, they keep talking about having fallen. ”

The mayor started to laugh, realizing no one had told the new priest of the new code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest points a finger at him and says,

“I don’t know what you’re laughing about your wife fell three times this week.”

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell fast asleep.
When Brian awoke a few hours later he found a strange man was standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”

The mysterious Man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom, and I’m St Peter”.

Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family… you’ve got to send me back straight away.”

St. Peter replied, “Yes you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Brian began to consider his options.

He was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground…

“This ain’t so bad,” he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, “so you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”

“It’s not so bad,” replied Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.

“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”

“Never,” replied Brian

“Well just relax and let it happen.”

So Brian focussed on his breathe and relaxed, and after a few uncomfortable seconds an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him. His emotions even got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!!!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

“Brian! Wake up you drunken bastard, you’re sh****ng the bed!”

When you have a job, you tend to know more about what you do than most people. You might not be an expert in your field but most people would agree that you know more about it than they do and they might even come to you for advice. That is the case with many religious leaders and people will go to them for the answers to life’s questions. The problem with this is seen in the following joke. It is going to put a huge smile on your face and teach you a lesson at the same time.

One sunny day, Father Ted is driving his car down a small country road, when he suddenly spots a nun waiting at a bus stop. always one to lend a helping hand, he pulls over and offers her a lift.

The young nun thanks him, puts her luggage in the trunk, and sits down in the passenger seat next to the priest.

The poor priest can’t believe his eyes when he turns to introduce himself to the nun. She is amazingly beautiful, and for once, the priest is lost for words.

“Hello, I’m sister Grace,” she says, visibly amused at his reaction to her.

“H-h-hello, I’m father Ted,” the priest says. He can feel the blood rushing to his face, making it beet red.

Even though barely any words had been said, there was this feeling of strong attraction, as if they had known each other for years. The priest, slightly disoriented by the experience, decides that it’s time to get going.

As they set off, the nun shifts to fasten her seat belt, and her gown opens slightly to reveal a lovely leg. The priest glances down and nearly has an accident.

After getting the car under control, he can’t help but put his hand on her knee, slowly sliding it up her leg.

Father, do you remember the psalm? The nun looks at him and immediately says, “Father, remember psalm 129.”

The priest gets flustered and apologizes profusely. He forces himself to remove his hand. However, he is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he lets his hand slide up her leg again.

“What am I doing?”

The nun once again says, “Father, remember psalm 129.”

Once again the priest apologize, “Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun gets out, gives him a meaningful glance and goes on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushes to retrieve a bible and looks up psalm 129.

The psalm said, “Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.”

Moral of the story:

Always be well informed in your job, or you may miss a great opportunity!