Author: admin

One of the most stressful things a person can go through is knowing that they are dying. The days, weeks, or even just a few moments leading up to that time are often when a person stops and reflects on their life and what happens afterward.

That is not a very funny situation, but it does happen to be the basis for one of the funnier jokes we have heard in a while. There is a priest who is helping a dying man but the instructions he gives keep falling on deaf ears.

As it turns out, the dying man has a reason why he is not listening to the priest and it may just be the smartest thing we have heard, along with giving us a good laugh.

A priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond.

Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,

“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still, the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”

The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”

There are certain celebrities that seem to be known by the world. Even the mention of their name is going to get people listening because we want to know what is going on in their lives.

When most people think of famous celebrities, they first think about singers or actors. There are also many in the sports world that are known by people who don’t even follow the sport, such as Tiger Woods.

Then again, there are times when people may meet these celebrities without knowing who they are. That was the case when Tiger Woods was in Irland, and we get to laugh at what happened in this funny joke.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf and greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, Sir” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “Hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are dose?”, asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees”, replies Tiger.

“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?”, inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“My Lands!”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”

There are many times when we may have questions in life but it isn’t always the best idea to ask those questions. They sometimes say that you should be careful what you ask for, because you just may get it.

That is what was happening in the following joke when a man went to a restaurant with his wife. He had questions of the waiter and he just continued to ask them until eventually, he got the answer he didn’t want.

You have to really read this joke to appreciate it and I’m sure once you read it, you will want to share it.

A man and his wife go on a date to a new restaurant.

They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day.

When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor.

“Whoops,” he says and turns to the waiter, “I’m terribly sorry but could I have another…”

The waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top pocket

“Here you are, Sir.” Says the waiter, handing him the spoon.

“Oh, thank you,” says the man a little surprised.

The couple tuck into their soups, chit-chatting about the wonderful service and how delicious the soup is.

The man glances around the restaurant and notices all the waiters have a spoon sticking out of their top pockets.

Curious about the spoons he beckons the waiter back over.

“Is everything to your liking, Sir?” asks the waiter

“Oh, yes, it’s wonderful, thank you, I was just curious as to why all the waiters are carrying a spoon in each of their top pockets.”

“Very observant, Sir. Statistically, spoons are the most dropped utensil so to save time we all carry a spoon in our pockets”

“That’s very clever, thank you.”

The waiter returns to the kitchen and the man turns back to his soup.

After a few more sips he is looking around the room again and notices that all the waiters have a short piece of string hanging out of the fly on their trousers.

He gestures again for the waiter who returns to the table.

“Anything I can do for you, Sir?”

“Just another question, if you don’t mind,” says the man with genuine curiosity

“I notice all the waiters have a piece of string hanging out of their fly, what is the reason behind that?”

“Well, Sir, to be perfectly honest the string is tied to the penis so when we go to the bathroom one can just pull it out with the string and eliminate the need to wash one’s hands, thus saving more time.”

“Interesting,” says the man.

A look of slight confusion crosses his face and he adds, “But what about when you need to put it away?”

“Well, Sir,” says the waiter, leaning in conspiratorially,

“Personally I use the spoon.”

Christmas is a time of year that is enjoyed by people around the world. We love the tradition that is associated with it, but that isn’t the case with everyone.

We are living in a time when cancel culture is very popular and it seems as if everybody wants to stop people from doing things that they enjoy. It isn’t necessarily the most popular opinion but it seems to be the loudest opinion out there.

Now that we are approaching Christmas, the cancel culture has seemed to take a target at the holiday. Fortunately, we have a joke that makes light of it.

TAKE NOTE THIS CHRISTMAS:

Please be advised that all members planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.

This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.

Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.

When we are dating, we often go out on the town and do things that help to keep life interesting. Unfortunately, those days often tend to die down after we get married, and we may find ourselves in a rut.

In the following joke, a husband and wife decide to go out on a nice date, but they also know that it is important to have the house looked after. In their haste, they do something that ends up shocking the taxi driver and potentially ruining the evening.

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.

When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door, and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie, we really didn’t want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the backyard again.

Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.

A few minutes later, he got into the cab all hot and bothered and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

“Sorry it took so long, but the stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed, and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard. She had better not s*it in the vegetable garden again.”

The silence in the taxi was deafening…

Have you ever taken a challenge that seemed like it would be impossible not to win? We sometimes see these things and wonder why nobody has ever won them before.

In the following humorous story, a man decides to call the bluff of a restaurant that makes a most unexpected and unusual claim. His goal is to win $5000, and it certainly seems within his reach.

There’s a reason why restaurants and other businesses make these outrageous claims and put their money where their mouth is. You get to figure that out in the funniest way in this joke.

There is a restaurant in New Orleans that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can’t, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be a load of rubbish, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table.

The waiter asks, “What would you like to eat today, Sir?”

Man: “I would like an elephant’s ear and a muffin to eat, please”

Waiter: “Give us just a moment.”

The waiter leaves for the kitchen.

As a few minutes pass by; the man believes he’s going to get an easy $5000 as he thinks they are taking too long and probably preparing something else.

At this moment, the waiter returns.

Appearing a little anxious, the waiter asks, “Apologies Sir, but do you mind telling me what kind of elephant you want this ear from?”

The man is stunned. He didn’t think they’d get to this moment.

Man: “Uhhh… An Indian elephant is fine.”

Waiter: “Thank you.”

The waiter goes back to the kitchen.

1 minute later, the waiter returns again.

Waiter: “And which side did you want the ear from?”

The man is starting to sweat bullets at this point.

Man: “Uhhhh… Left ear, I guess…”

Waiter: “Splendid.”

The waiter leaves for the kitchen yet again.

The man is scared as he has no idea how much this ear is going to blast away his wallet.

5 minutes later, the waiter comes back with a platter of food and $5000 for the man.

Waiter: “Here is your order sir. We do apologize, but we are out of muffins for today.”

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, ‘Mother of Six’, in spite of her Liftrincaglig objections. One night they went to a party.

He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as nat itτο go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as mwell. He shouted at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home, Mother of Six? “His wife, irritated by her hus- band’s lack of discretion shout- ed back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that.

He’s exhausted!” The officer laughs and says, The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!” The wife replies: “He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months!”

Wife Honey can u please help me cleaning de garden? Husband-Do i look like a gardener? Wife-Sorry Honey, OK then fix de bathroom door.
Husband-Do i look like a carpenter?… then de husband walks out.

After coming from where he went, he found de garden clean and de door fixed Husband I knew my wife u can do this all by yourself, Wife Its not Me Husband Who then? Wife-John Our neighbour, Husband How much did u paid him? Wife No money, he just gave 2 options, bread or s*x
Husband Hope u gave him bread Wife Do i look like baker? No..

I’VE BEEN BANNED FROM TRACTOR SUPPLY.. Yesterday I was at my local TSC store buying a large bag of my dog’s food for my loyal livestock guard dog and was in the checkout, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog? What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s rear end and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Tractor Supply. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of things to say. Forward this now, (especially) to all your mature friends…… it will be their laugh for the day.