Author: admin

She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?” “Of course my child, What can I do for you?” “Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs.

Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?” “Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.” “You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave him the ‘hair remover’.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”, he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, “And from the sash down, what do you have?” The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used.” Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, “Go ahead Father. Next!”

A woman walks into a cafe with a stomach ache. After a while she realizes she needs to relieve herself, knowing her farts are loud,

she decides to fart simultaneously with the cafe music. Every time the music gets really loud she let out a long fart. She saw that everyone in the cafe was staring at her and later realized that she was wearing headsets the whole time.

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

“Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?” The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out “352!” He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

“I’ll take this one,” she says proudly. “It’s the cutest!” “Hey lady,” says the shepherd, “if I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?”

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh sh*t” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. “How did everything go?” her mom asked. “Oh, mother,” she began, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time.

But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I’d never heard before Really terrible four-letter words. You’ve got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!” the new bride sobbed over the telephone.

“But, honey,” the mother countered, “What four-letter words?” “I can’t tell you, mother, they’re too awful! Come get me, please!” “Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset…. Tell mother what four-letter words he used.” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook.”

It’s 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue’s father answers the door and invites him in.He asks Bob what they’re planning to do on the date. Bob politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and scrw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.” Bob is shocked. “Excuse me, sir?” “Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes this. She’ll do this all night if we let her.” Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!”

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?” She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had!

That’s a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl

He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route. When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts.

After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some “desert.” Joe happily accepts again.

When they are done, the woman gives him a dollar. Joe asks what the dollar is all about. The woman replies: “It was my husband’s suggestion. When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me ‘F**k him, give him a dollar. The lunch was my idea.

The wife was upset to say the least. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” The husband began “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you were afraid you’d put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but never wore because you say they were too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you didn’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you refused to wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and wouldn’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please… do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy. His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won’t be getting any breakfast. Well, he’s a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks. “Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.” Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”