Author: admin

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was a time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. When we were to be married,’ she said, ‘ my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.’

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. ‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’ ‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man answers the phone, puts it on speaker, and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2016 models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$65,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.” The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, What a shame, he makes that little boy walk. They then decided they both would walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your as$ goodbye.

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’.

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week.’We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’ My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW, that’s more than twice a week!. You could learn a lot from him.’

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, ‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, she said, ‘That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.’ I looked at her and said, ‘Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.’

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man.

He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

An American couple is driving through Canada and stops at a gas station to fuel up. As the man goes into the station to pay, his wife calls out to him,

“Ask them where we are!” So the husband walks in, pays, and asks, “By the way, where are we?”To which the attendant answers, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.”

The man goes back to his car and the wife asks, “Where are we?” “He doesn’t speak English” replies the husband.

A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around”… “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.” So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?” And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

“Well,” says the little girl, “Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole.”

“Clever girl,” purrs Mummy. “What could you see through the keyhole?” “I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other’s clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her.” “Yes?” says Mummy. “And then what happened?” “Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year,” says the little girl confidently.

A couple went for a cruise tour to enjoy their private honeymoon while leaving their children at home. Unfortunately, the cruise ship was sinking due to catastrophic weather condition. The couple finally made their way to the lifeboat area but there was only space for one person left.

The man jumped onto the lifeboat, leaving his wife on the sinking ship… The wife stood on the sinking ship and shouted to her husband saying…The teacher paused the above story and asked her students in the classroom, “Let us guess. What do you think she shouted to her husband?”

Most students answered altogether: “I hate you! I was blinded by love!” The teacher noticed that there was a student who sat quietly and asked him. The student answered, “Teacher, I believe she would have shouted – Take care of our children!” The teacher was shocked and asked: “Have you heard this story before?” The student shook his head and said, “Nope, but before my mother passed away to disease, she told my father the exact same words!” The teacher was amazed and praised: “Your answer is excellent!”

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she said. A little girl raised her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.

”The teacher, knowing how precious some children’s stories could become, asked the little girl to describe the incident. “Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! ”“That must have been scary,” said the teacher.

“It sure was,” said the little girl. “My kitty raised her back and went ‘Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff!’. But before she could say ‘Fuck!,’ the Rottweiler ate her!

All the other passengers proceed to file on and take up the remaining standing places but she stands close to me, staring me in the eyes. After 5 minutes of this, I kindly ask, ‘may I help you?’

She replies, “yes, I have been waiting here for 5 minutes now and you have not offered to give me your seat “ Can you give me a good reason why I should?”

I can give you 5. I am an old woman of 86, I have near paralysis in my left leg, a hip that has been replaced twice, my husband died 3 days ago and every second I stand up is pure agony. Can you give me as many reasons why you deserve the seat more?” Sadly, only one. I’m the freakin’ driver.”