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George decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, George and his new wife was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After along period of silence she finally speaks, “Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married I think it’s time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart.”

George gets this horrified look on his face. She says, “Darling, what’s wrong”?

George says, “There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

“Ex wife” she screams! “I didn’t know you were married before!!!”

George retorts, “I wasn’t.”

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: “Can I see your dad? ”Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman:

“What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope.

She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it.

When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

A man and his wife are out driving, and get pulled over by a police officer. The husband, who is the one behind the wheel, asks, “What’s the problem, officer?” Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”

Man: “No sir, I was going 65.” Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look. Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.” (The man gives his wife another dirty look.) Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.” Man: “Oh, this? I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.” The man turns to his wife and yells, “Shut your mouth!” The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?” Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel.

He looked at her and asked, “Do you think we can still do that?” “Well, we can sure try!” she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom.

He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

“What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked. “Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated? ”Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!” The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody? ”Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye. ”Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

A hilarious story is going viral this week that is sure to bring a smile to your face! When Mike was about to get married to Karen, his father sat him down for a talk. “Mike, let me tell you something On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, ‘Here – try these on,’” the father began.

“She did and said, ‘These are too big I can’t wear them. ’I replied, ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that night we have never had any problems.” “Hmmm,” said Mike, thinking that he should try that out himself. When Karen and Mike were on their honeymoon, he took off his pants and said, “Here – try these on.”

Karen tried the pants on and said, “These are too large. They don’t fit me. ”“Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that,” Mike told her. Karen immediately took off her own pants and handed them to Mike. “Here – you try on mine,” she said. Mike tried them on and said, “I can’t get into your pants.” “Exactly. And if you don’t change your smart ass attitude, you never will,” Karen fired back. LOL! How perfect is that?!

A woman is looking in the mirror, unhappy with her reflection when her husband enters the room. Thinking it had been a long time since he had paid her a compliment, she decides to see if she can get one out of him. “Honey,” she says, “I feel horrible.”

Silence…

“I look old, fat, and ugly.”

More Silence…

Leaving all semblance of subtlety behind her, she bluntly tells him what she wants.

“I could really use a compliment right now!”

Finally taking his cue, the husband replies,

“Your eyesight is damn near perfect.”

The security clerk pretended to check tickets on the dress rack nearest the door. Her eyes carefully scanned a woman who stood hesitatingly just inside the boutique door. The clerk took a quick mental snapshot—old shoes with run-over heels, a small run in her right stocking, out of-style leather handbag, crinkly black nylon dress at least fifteen years old and straggly hair. Not the image of this store’s usual clientele. She approached the woman, asking the mundane, “May I help you?” The elderly woman smiled and whispered, “Yes, I need a dress.” The surprised security clerk quickly signaled a nearby salesperson who hurried over to the waiting customer. Store policy toward the less desirable was, “Wait on them quickly; get them out of sight.”

“How may I help you?” the sales clerk asked. This would only take a moment, and then she could go on her morning break. “My only granddaughter is getting married. I need a complete outfit for the wedding. I want her to be proud of me. Just tell me what I should wear.’
“You mean you want to see a bridal consultant?” the clerk asked incredulously. The woman nodded her head and followed the clerk to small oval room filled with fancy clothes.

“Why did you bring her in here?” the consultant whispered angrily.
“She wants to be outfitted for a wedding,” the clerk said as she laughed and walked away.
The bridal consultant had been a model in her younger years and still affected the haughty look she believed implied sophistication. She asked the woman to sit down at the small desk opposite her and took out a pad and pen.
“First, I must know how much you are prepared to spend,’ she said. She was eager to get this over with and might as well cut to the chase.

“I have been saving my money for this outfit ever since their engagement was announced last spring. Annie sent me an airplane ticket so I can spend it all on something nice to wear.” Her slightly palsied hand pulled the envelope from her handbag. “I think there is seventy dollars here. you may count it if you like. I can spend it all if need be.’

The consultant quickly counted the money. “Actually, there are seventy-two dollars. Perhaps you should visit our basement thrift shop. They have a few dresses for around fifty dollars.”
“I went there first. Miriam suggested I come to see you,” she said smiling. “They said you would be glad to help me.’

(Oh, that Miriam. She loves a good joke. Wait until I get the chance to pay her back for this, the haughty one thought to herself.)
Just then the elderly woman spotted a powder blue dress on a nearby rack. She stood and walked quickly toward it. Before the consultant could stop her, she held the dress before her in a mirror.
“Now, this one I like. It is beautiful, but not too showy!” It was a plain dress with a long-sleeved jacket edged with just a touch of matching lace, “I should have matching shoes, of course. I will wear my strand of pearls. Afterward, I will give them to the bride as a wedding present. They belonged to my grandmother. Look, the dress is just my size!”

The consultant gulped. She was suddenly feeling a mix of frustration, sympathy and anger. How could she tell this sweet old lady that the price of the dress she wanted was three hundred dollars? Matching shoes would be another seventy-five dollars. Sometimes life just wasn’t fair.

A young, beautifully dressed bride-to-be stood nearby watching the scene. She had just picked up the custom veil she had ordered for her own wedding next week. Her family was well-off and had told her to spend whatever she wished on her wedding. She interrupted the consultant before she could speak to the grandmother about the dress.
“Excuse me a moment,” she said as she led the consultant a side and whispered. “Let her have the dress, shoes, whatever else she needs. Just add it to my bill. Tell her they are on sale. Just take fifty dollars of her money. That will leave her with a little spending money—and her pride.”

“But why?” The consultant asked. “You don’t even know her.”
“Just call it a wedding present to myself. I never knew either of my grandmothers. As I walk down the aisle, I will think of her and pretend she is my grandmother, too.”

Mary, a little girl, was in church one Easter Sunday with his mother Doris, when she started feeling sick. “Mummy,” she whispered, “can we leave now?”

“No,” her mother hushed, “the service isn’t over yet.” “Well, I think I’m about to throw up!” Mary announced looking sickly. “Then go out of the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,” hissed Doris.

After about sixty seconds, Mary returned to her pew. “Did you throw up?” Mary’s mother murmured. “Yes,” Mary answered, embarrassed. “How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” Doris demanded. “I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mummy. They have a box next to the front door that says, “For the Sick”.”

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold? ”“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter? ”“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter. ”The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold? ”“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever. ”“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”