Author: admin

Old Jack only had moments to live. At his bedside were his family – his wife and four sons.

Three of whom had blond hair, the other had ginger. “Em, tell me please, I’ve always wondered why one of our sons had red hair. Is he really my son?”

Emma put her hand on her heart and swore fervently that, yes, he was his son.

“Oh thank goodness,” croaked the old man and he died with a smile on his face.

As the family left the room, the wife sighed deeply. “Thank heaven he didn’t ask about the other three.”

Children have a unique way with words that can really surprise us and leave us trying to catch our breath from laughing so hard. It’s no wonder why shows like “Kids Say the Darndest Things” had such a huge audience. Kids just don’t have the same filters holding them back that adults have, meaning they are more free and open to expressing what’s on their minds. And the best part is that because of their innocence, they are always sincere in their commentary, not even trying to be funny. In this joke, a mom and her son sit down for a nice meal at Taco Bell (yes, I know, but that’s not the joke); pretty soon, the little boy has the whole restaurant laughing and his mom red-faced with embarrassment.

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, “No.”

I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?

“No,” he replied.

I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. S00000….I asked one more time, “Matt, did you have an accident?”

Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled…. “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!” While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified!

Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!! Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, “Don’t worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time…I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did.”

One of the most frustrating situations that many of us have to face on a daily basis is receiving a telemarketing call. It seems as they call at the most inappropriate times, typically right before we sit down for a meal. Even if we tell them that we are not interested, they just continue to try to sell us whatever it is that they are selling and eventually, we will hang up the phone and be frustrated over the entire situation. If you find yourself dealing with this on a regular basis, you will appreciate the way this man handled the call:

Tom Mabe: “Hello?”
Telemarketer: “Yes, can I speak with Tom Mabe?”
Tom Mabe: “Who’s calling?”
Telemarketer: “This is Mike. You have been selected to receive a complete digital satellite system for free. With this you’re going to-”
Tom Mabe: “Let me ask you something. Did you know Tom Mabe? Were you a friend of his?”
Mike: “No I’m not. I’m just calling to offer-”

Tom Mabe: “Hol-hol-hold that thought- hold on a second (to others in the room: Hey guys! Get really good pictures of the body… and dust everything for prints.) Mike, you there?”
Mike: “-Yeah…”
Tom Mabe: “Yeah, lemme bring you up to speed. You’ve actually called a murder scene… Mr. Mabe is no longer with us.. I’m Officer Clarke, I’m conducting a homicide investigation. I want to ask you a series of questions… First to all, what was the nature of the business you had with Tom Mabe?”
Mike: “I…I had no business with him. I’m sorry to have bothered-
Tom Mabe: No no no hang on, I’m going to ask you to stay on the phone… this call has already been traced and we may need to come in for further questioning…”
Mike: “You don’t understand, I’m just calling-”

Tom Mabe: “No, you don’t understand. Unless you want to be charged with Obstruction of Justice, it is imperative that you keep your @$$ on the phone, Mike.”
Mike: “How about you just talk to my supervisor?”
Tom Mabe: “No, we will get to your supervisor in a second. First, gimme your whereabouts…”
Mike: “I’m at work.”
Tom Mabe: “You’re at work?”
Mike: “Yes.”
Tom Mabe: “You bein’ a smart @$$?”
Mike: “No sir-”

Tom Mabe: “Lemme put it to you this way, Mike. Say I want to mail your @$$ a letter. What would I have to write on the outside of that envelope to ensure that the mailman will deliver it right to your @$$? Geographically speaking, Mike, where is work?”
Mike: “40 West (beep), Middleton, Colorado.”
Tom Mabe: “Hold on, that’s 40…”
Mike: “Yes sir.”
Tom Mabe: “Michael, hold on one sec, alright?”
Mike: “Yes sir.”

Tom Mabe: “(off phone to cops) Get the Middleton Homicide Department on the phone. Yeah, give them this information. Tell them there been a Talk In Connection with a fatal shooting and aggravated robbery.” (on phone) “Mike, how did you know Mr. Mabe again?”
Mike: “Wait, you’re calling the Middleton Police Department?! I’m hundreds of miles away! I don’t even know the guy, I’m in Colorado!”
Tom Mabe: “No, no, it’s not that scary, that’s just a formality. Have you been to his place of residence?”
Mike: “No!”
Tom Mabe: “OK, and tell me again what, where were you last night between the hours of 8 and 10?”
Mike: “I’m not feeling really comfortable with any of this…”

Tom: “Have you even ever spoken to Mr. Mabe, Mike?”
Mike: “No, I don’t even know the guy- that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”
Tom Mabe: “Ok, great, just calm down, hold on, look, just back up… I’ve got just one more question fer you, Mike… as you well know, I’m sure, Mr. Mabe was a flaming homosexual. And there is no easy way of asking this… I don’t wanna embarress you or nothin’… but… were you his gay lover?
Mike: What?! No! What the hell kind of question is that?!
Tom Mabe: Look look, if gay is your way, that’s Ok. I still know there are a lotta you gay people in that closet. Not sayin’ I haven’t thought ’bout it myself… you know? Go out to Las Vegas, or somethin’. Buy a couple o’ drinks… cut lil’ Mexican midget…”
Mike: “This is ridiculous! (hangs up.)”
Tom Mabe: “Hello?”

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.” The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “No he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife’s activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.

He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee. “I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.

The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!” The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”

Sometimes seem to forget what the true meaning of church is. Now, a hilarious story is going viral that serves as a reminder that church is not about fancy clothes and is instead solely about giving thanks to God.

An older cowboy walked into a church one Sunday morning that was located in a wealthy part of town. Though his clothes were clean, he was wearing jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were all tattered up. He was also carrying an old cowboy hat and a very worn out bible.

The wealthy congregants of the church were all dressed in their finest outfits, and they stared at the cowboy with judgmental glares when he walked into the sanctuary.

Nobody would even greet him, and when he sat down, those next to him moved away from him to other seats. They made no attempt to hide the fact that they were completely appalled by his appearance.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh this is great” said the teller: “And will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**kin’ sheetrock…”

Kids say the darndest things, don’t they? Just be aware that they repeat everything they hear.

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.” Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.” “No, I won’t.” “Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.” With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, “See I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied.“I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!”

A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer.

The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the horse to the car Pull, Zoomer, pull” the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn’t move. Pull, Radar, pull” the farmer

yells again, but again, the horse stands still Pull, Dasher, pull” yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock.
Pull, Dusty, pull” shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort.
The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer:
“Why do you call your horse different names?”
You see,” the farmer replies, “Dusty is blind.
“If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn’t have pulled.”

Maria was a 19 year old Mexican maid who worked for a wealthy Californian couple. She wasn’t well paid, and one day she asked her boss for a pay increase.

Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?” Maria: “Well señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase… The first is that I iron better than you.” Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Your husband said so.” Wife: “Oh.” Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.” Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?” Maria: “Your husband did.”

Wife: “Oh.” Maria: “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.” Wife (really furious now): “Did my husband say that as well?” Maria: “No señora, the gardener did.” Wife: “So… how much do you want?”