Author: admin

Little Brandon and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Brandon received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Brandon! Please wait until we say our prayer!” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” explained Brandon. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”

Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”

A Young Woman was preparing for her Wedding. She asked her Mother to go out and buy a Nice, Long Black Negligee and carefully place it in her Suitcase so it would not Wrinkle.

Mom forgot her task, until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a Short Pink Nightee.

She bought it and quickly threw it into the Suitcase.

After the Wedding, the Bride and Groom enter their Hotel Room.

The Groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new Bride to change in the Bathroom and promise not to Peek while he got ready for Bed.

While she was in the Bathroom, she opened her Suitcase and saw the Negligee her Mother had thrown in there.

She exclaimed, “Oh No, it’s Short, Pink and Wrinkled”.

Then her Groom cried out, “F.F.S.. I thought I told you not to Peek”..

Little Johnny was sitting in the hall of the school, bored out of his mind. Suddenly the teacher walked by and he asked her: “How do you put an elephant in the fridge?” The teacher, amused, said, “I don’t know, how?” Little Johnny then said, “You open the door and put it in there!” Then Little Johnny asked the teacher another question

“How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?”

The teacher then replied, “Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?”

Little Johnny said, “No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there.”

Then he asked another question:

“All the animals went to the tiger’s birthday party, except for one animal, which one was it?”

The teacher a bit confused and said “The tiger?”

Then Little Johnny said,

“No, the giraffe because he’s still in the fridge.”

Then he asked her just one more question:

“If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it, how would you?”

The teacher then says: “Well. you would walk over the bridge.”

Then Little Johnny says

“No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the tiger’s birthday party!”

She laughs and walks away.

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal*Mart when they collide: The first old guy says to the second guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The second old guy says. “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The first says. “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The second old guy says. “Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The first old guy says. “Doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”

An elderly man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test:
“Here is your first question.” The foreman says. “Without using numbers, represent the number nine?”
“Without numbers?” The old man says. “That’s easy.”

And he proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” The boss asks.

“Have you no brain? Tree plus tree plus tree makes nine.” Says the old man.
“Fair enough.” Says the boss.
“Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99?”
The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree and hands it back.
The boss scratches his head and says.

“How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of the trees is dirty now. So, it’s a dirty tree plus a dirty tree plus a dirty tree. That makes 99.”
“All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100?”
The old man stares into space again; he then picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and hands it back.
The boss looks at the man’s picture.

“You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred?”
The old man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers.
“A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100.”

One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son.

“You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained.

“Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little.

Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”

George decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, George and his new wife was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After along period of silence she finally speaks, “Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married I think it’s time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart.”

George gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, “Darling, what’s wrong”?

George says, “There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

“Ex wife” she screams! “I didn’t know you were married before!!!”

George retorts, “I wasn’t.”

A man and his wife are out driving, and get pulled over by a police officer. The husband, who is the one behind the wheel, asks, “What’s the problem, officer?” Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.” Man: “No sir, I was going 65.” Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look. Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.” (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”

Man: “Oh, this? I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”

The man turns to his wife and yells, “Shut your mouth!”

The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”

Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.