Author: admin

I think all of us have experienced that moment when we walk away from a situation in which somebody got the upper hand and a few minutes or perhaps a few hours later, we think of the ultimate comeback line. We sometimes just say that we aren’t quick enough to think of those things on the fly but every once in a while, we hear about somebody that gets off a true zinger and it just happens at the right time.

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was camping it up outrageously. He seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your tray, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.” To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch.”

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, “This is your Captain. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto.”

He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot. The co-pilot says to the pilot, “Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?” “Well,” says the skipper,

“first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . . . then I’m gonna take that new stewardess with the huge t!ts out for dinner . . . . then I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!”

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She’s so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: “No need to hurry, dear. He’s gonna take a sh!t first.”

Two people living in a retirement home, an elderly man and an elderly woman, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?” After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration’, she answered “Yes. Yes, I will.” The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to The telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?” He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.” Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me!”

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce. You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear.

The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he’d like to live with? “Well not papa bear he beats me,” says baby bear. “So mama bear?” asks the Judge. “Oh no she beats me even worse than papa bear,” says baby bear.

“So who would you like to live with?” the Judge asks curiously.

“My grandma bear in Chicago.” says baby bear. “Your grandma bear doesn’t beat you?” asks the Judge?

“Oh no the Chicago Bears don’t beat anyon.

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, “GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I’M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.’

THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, ‘YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!’

‘DEAD?’ SAYS HIS FRIEND, ‘WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?’

‘WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.’

HIS FRIEND SAYS, ‘COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.’

‘A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?’

‘WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER,

KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE,

THEN SHE FARTED, FLEW OUT THE WINDOW AND TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER !!!

A Farm Kid Joins the Marines Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 5 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be The Man Of Your House.” He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of fun that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”

Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,

“Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.”

“Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off.”

“Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.”

“The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!”

The teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students, Little Johnny put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when Little Johnny said,

“Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

Little Johnny then announced,
“These aren’t my boots.”
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
“Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
Little Johnny then said,
“They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”
She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.

She then mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.
She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”
Little Johnny said,
“Oh, I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

Maria was a 19 year old Mexican maid who worked for a wealthy Californian couple. She wasn’t well paid, and one day she asked her boss for a pay increase.

Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?” Maria: “Well señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase… The first is that I iron better than you.” Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Your husband said so.” Wife: “Oh.” Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.” Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?” Maria: “Your husband did.”

Wife: “Oh.” Maria: “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.” Wife (really furious now): “Did my husband say that as well?” Maria: “No señora, the gardener did.” Wife: “So… how much do you want?”