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My husband and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c. She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.’ She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said ‘We’re sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.’

The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD’s.

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, ‘You need a 1/4 horsepower.’

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.’

We haven’t used that repairman since..

We haven’t used that repairman since…

I live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: ‘Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’

To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’

He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it’s safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an ‘intellectually challenged’ co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, ‘what on earth are blind people doing driving?!’

She is a government employee…..

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a

service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’

His reply, ‘I know. I already did that side.’

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…….

You now have 2 options…

Delete it…..

or

Send it along to put a smile on someone’s face today!.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. I hope I don’t offend anyone. I just thought these were funny

Three old guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; “You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez.

I figure that if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her.” After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied;

“Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn’t like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her.”

The elderly Biker then took a big swig from his beer and said; “Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a v*brator. I figured if she didn’t like the tee-shirt, she could go f*** herself.”

The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war. The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins. He got to a phone and called her right away. “Oh honey, I’m so happy,” he said
“Who took you to the hospital?”

“Your brother, Joe, drove me, and since I had to be anesthetized he named the twins.” The husband was horrified “But, but, Joe is an idiot! Oh no! What did he name them?”

The wife answered, “We have a girl and a boy

Joe named the girl De-niece.”

The husband interrupted, “Well, that’s not so bad

What did he name the boy?”

“Joe named the boy De-nephew.”

A hilarious story is going viral this week that is sure to bring a smile to your face! When Mike was about to get married to Karen, his father sat him down for a talk. “Mike, let me tell you something On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, ‘Here – try these on,’” the father began.

“She did and said, ‘These are too big I can’t wear them.’I replied, ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that night we have never had any problems.” “Hmmm,” said Mike, thinking that he should try that out himself. When Karen and Mike were on their honeymoon, he took off his pants and said, “Here – try these on.”

Karen tried the pants on and said, “These are too large. They don’t fit me. ”“Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that,” Mike told her. Karen immediately took off her own pants and handed them to Mike. “Here – you try on mine,” she said. Mike tried them on and said, “I can’t get into your pants.”

“Exactly. And if you don’t change your smart ass attitude, you never will,” Karen fired back. LOL! How perfect is that?!

An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce at a grocery store, so she tells the young man at the checkout, “I would like to buy half a head of lettuce.” The young man says, “I’m sorry we only sell whole heads of lettuce.” The old woman says, “Well you see I’m old, and I don’t eat very much, and so when I buy a whole head of lettuce, the other half usually goes to waste. Would you ask your supervisor if there is something he could do?”

The young man, rolls his eyes, lets out a sigh, and walks into his supervisors office. “Hey, some dumb old hag wants to buy half a head of lettuce…” His supervisor looks up from his desk and is shocked to see the elderly woman had followed the young man. She’s right behind him at the door and heard what he said.

The young man turns around, sees her, realizing his mistake blurts out, “But this beautiful young lady would like to buy the other half of that head of lettuce, so it works out, right?” Everything is worked out, the elderly woman leaves happily, and the supervisor says,

“That was close. You’re pretty quick on your feet. Where you from?” The young man says, “Oh, me? I’m from Canada, but I left because it’s just filled with hockey players and prost!tutes.” The supervisor, crosses his arms and says, “Hey, my wife is from Canada!” The young man responds, “Oh that’s wonderful… what team does she play for?

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150. His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!” “I bought it today,” he says. “With what money?” says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost. “Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”

The father looks at him like he’s crazy. “Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says. “It was the lady up the street,” says the boy. “I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.

“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother. “Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.” So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.

He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it. “Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”

“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says. “But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?” “Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”.

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”. Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”.

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again… She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: “Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.”

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow asked: “Just look at you – you have no legs!”

The old gent smiled: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!” “You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted. Again, the old man smiled: “Therefore, I can never beat you!”

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: “Are you still good in bed?” The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe.Nothing happened.

She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?”

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, “HELLLLOOOO!!! You need to roll up the windows.”

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.

“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says. This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”

The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the senior’s turn. He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and go right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?” The senior reaches into his pocket hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep, Age and cunning will overcome youth and technology anytime.