One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.
What are those big bulges in your running shorts?” she asked.
“Tennis balls,” answered the man, smiling back.
“Wow,” said the blonde, looking upset. “That must hurt.
I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable.”
The wife bought a new see through nighty,
wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband.
Aroused Husband says, “You look so beautiful and seexy my darling.”
The wife says, “I know that, I tried it the same way at the store
and the salesman was the first one to tell me that.
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.
He yelled, “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!” He then began his series of questions: Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??”
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me. Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me.” Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you’re flying upside down?” Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”
Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car. Resuming the journey, Mike tried – in vain – to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mike.
“What in bag?” asked the old man. Mike looked down at the brown bag and said: “Oh, it’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.”
The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: “Good trade!”
Anyone who has ever crossed their grandparents knows that messing with older people is never a good idea. Elderly folks have a wealth of life experience to bring to the table, and this gives them an advantage in handling many situations.
When the grandmother in this story saw her teenage granddaughter trying to leave the house for a date wearing a see-through blouse, she wasn’t about to let the young girl get away with it.
In order to stop her granddaughter, the no-nonsense granny came up with an ingenious solution that went viral and also got the teenager thinking. When the grandmother saw her daughter getting ready to leave for her date while wearing a see-through shirt and no bra, she immediately threw a fit and told her not to go out like that.
“Loosen up, Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” the teenager yelled before walking out the door.
The next day, the girl came downstairs to find her grandmother sitting there without her top on.Mortified, the girl told her grandma to put some clothes on, as she is about to have friends come over.
“Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets,” the grandmother fired back.
Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?” No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?” Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,”
Then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.
The blonde had been married about a year. One day she came running up to her husband, jumping for joy. He didn’t know how to react, so he started jumping up and down along with her. “Why are we so happy?” he asked. She said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!”
“Great” he said, “tell me why you’re so happy about.” She stopped, breathless from all the jumping up and down “I’m pregnant!” she gasped. The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for quite a while. He grabbed her, and kissed her. “Wow, that is wonderful,” “I couldn’t be happier!”
Then she said, “Oh, honey there’s more.” “What do you mean more?”, he asked. “Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!”. He was amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant “How do you know that,” he asked.
“It was easy,” she said.”I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit.” “Both tests came out positive!
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears; “ You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you … When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side
You know what?” “What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you’re bad luck.”
A hilarious story is going viral this week that is sure to bring a smile to your face! When Mike was about to get married to Karen, his father sat him down for a talk. “Mike, let me tell you something On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, ‘Here – try these on,’” the father began.
“She did and said, ‘These are too big I can’t wear them.’I replied, ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that night we have never had any problems.” “Hmmm,” said Mike, thinking that he should try that out himself. When Karen and Mike were on their honeymoon, he took off his pants and said, “Here – try these on.”
Karen tried the pants on and said, “These are too large. They don’t fit me. ”“Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that,” Mike told her. Karen immediately took off her own pants and handed them to Mike. “Here – you try on mine,” she said. Mike tried them on and said, “I can’t get into your pants.”
“Exactly. And if you don’t change your smart ass attitude, you never will,” Karen fired back. LOL! How perfect is that?! This hilarious story serves as a reminder to always respect the women we love.
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Perly Gates by St. Peter. He says, “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I’m granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want.”
The first nun says, “I want-a to be Sophia Loren” and *poof!* she’s gone. The second says, “I want-a to be Madonna” and *poof!* she’s gone. The third says, “I want-a to be Sara Pipalini.” St. Peter looks perplexed.
“Who?” he says. “Sara Pipalini” replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says “I’m sorry but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” The nun then takes a newspaper out … The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says “No Sister, this says ‘Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!’”