Author: admin

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table: ‘To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset – I shall be home before midnight.’ When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: ‘My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference: ’18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.’ Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!!!.

From the mouths of babes… Kids say the darndest things. Sometimes they don’t even know what they’re saying, and sometimes they do. A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother was upset at hearing her son curse like sailor. She walked into the room and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.” Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.

Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.” As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.” We really got a kick out of this joke, the language is for the adults, but they know this is exactly how kids really are! And I didn’t expect that punchline to hit so hard. I was cracking up!

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have lovemaking with me, reach over and squeeze my left melons one time.

If you don’t want to have lovemaking, reach over and squeeze my right melons one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea! Now if you want to have lovemaking with ME, reach over and pull on my weapon one time and if you don’t want to have lovemaking, reach over and pull on my weapon… fifty times!”

A woman’s closet door was making a terrible sound whenever a bus was crossing the street outside So she called a carpenter to check it out.

The carpenter comes to see what’s the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud
creaking sound was heard. He couldn’t believe it. So he told her that he’ll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making this noise.

After a few minutes the husband comes home, opens the closet and see’s a man inside. He looks at his wife with disgust and back at the man and asks, “What the hell are you doing in my closet?”The carpenter then said, “Would you believe me if I told you I am waiting for the bus?.

A newly married couple are in bed when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with After the question, the woman doesn’t respond.

The man asks again “Just tell me, it’s fine. How many men have you slept with?” His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling. The man says “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other…” Still silence from his wife. The man, giving up, says “It’s OK. Please don’t be upset.”

Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection. While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband, Damn it! You made me lose count!”

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off. ‘What did you do to get that Indian so excited?’ asked the service-station attendant.

‘Nothing,’ the woman answered. ‘I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so Iwouldn’t fall off.’ Lady,’ the attendant said, ‘Indians don’t use saddles.

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife’s activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video, They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.

He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee. “I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said. The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!” The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”

One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence.

So Janet raised her hand and said, “the sky is absolutely blue” The teacher said no, “it is not, sometimes is black or has different colors.” Another little boy raised his hand and said, “the leaves on the trees are absolutely green”

The teacher said no, “they could be different colors at different times of the year.” Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there were lumps in farts, the teacher said “no, I don’t believe so”. And Little Johnny said, “well then I absolutely just s**t in my pants!”

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in

Front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” She whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks up,

“Do you remember 40 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?” He asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.

“Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?” “Yes, I remember.” Says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues… “Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 40 years?’” “I remember that, too.” she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”