Category: jokes

Farmer Tells Little Boy Some Surprising News. But Wasn’t Expecting The Boy To Say This. A farmer got in his pickup and drove over to a neighbor’s and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your Dad home?” the farmer asked.

“No sir, he isn’t,” the boy replied. “He went into town. “Well,” said the man, “Is your Mother here? “No sir, she’s not here either. She went into town with Dad. “How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No sir, He went with Mom and Dad. “No sir, He went with Mom and Dad. “The man stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. “Is there anything I can do for you?” the boy asked politely. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad. “Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably.

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!” The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word.

His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it! “The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”

BLONDE WOMAN DECIDES SHE NEEDS A WINTER HOBBY. BUT IS SHOCKED TO HEAR THIS FROM ABOVE. A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion.

Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!! “Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!!”

Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up
perfectly–tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again. “There are no fish under the ice!! “Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, “Is that You, Lord? “The voice boomed back, “NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!”

90 YEAR OLD GOLFER A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game. “But why?” asks his wife. “Well, it’s my eyesight.

I can’t see where the ball goes after I hit it”. The wife says, “Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect.” He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He takes aim and hits a powerful shot that speeds off like a jet. He looks at his brother-in-law and says: “Did you see that Pete?” His brother-in-law says, “Yes, I saw that perfectly.” The golfer says, “Well, where is it then?” Pete responds, “I don’t remember.”

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.

“So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!” she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.” She said, “Yes, I promised. I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him. “You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him? “I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

FATHER IN LAW ASKED HER TO HELP HIM WITH HIS WORK FOR ONE DAY. WHAT FOLLOWED NEXT LEFT HER STUNNED. So one day my father in law asked me to help him load up his truck with some garbage and help him take it to the dumps. He’s an old school Mexican in his late 50s who is one of the most righteous and generous person I have ever met.

We get there and the lady at the gate tells him the price to dump his garbage. My father in law is amazed at how high the price has become, and expresses this to the lady. She gets all rude and tells him to either pay up or turn the hell around and get out. My father in law calmly asks the lady to repeat the price one more time. She does. This man says ok, and reached over to the giant change cup filled with coins and proceeds to hand the amount over to the lady. ONE. PENNY. AT. A. TIME. When the lady tells him that he doesn’t have to do that, and that he’s holding up the line, my FIL tells her to please stop interrupting him, and that she has made him lose count. He then starts all over again, counting each coin until he finally hands over exact change. Absolute savage. Proud that he’s my father in law. Share this if you think he did the right thing.

He said…. I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it. She said…. You wear pants don’t you? He said….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said… That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! He said….. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said…. Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said….. Why are married women heavier than single women? single women? She said….. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

A WIFE WITH 7TH SENSE A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box.

We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!” The wife noticed that there’s something fishy in her husband’s story but since she was a good wife she listened to her husband and did exactly as he told her. After a week the husband returned home, looking a bit tired but happy to have done a good job. The wife immediately started asking about the weekend, how it was, if he’d caught any fish and so on. The husband said: “Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pyjamas?” To which the wife responded: “I did, They’re in your fishing box”.

The wife calls her Scientist Husband. “Honey ! It’s Saturday night you are late”… Husband: “I am busy with my team in an experiment.

”Wife: “What’s that experiment? ”Scientist Husband: “We’ve just added a derivative of C2H5OH with ambient temperature H2O and aqueous CO2, to cool this mixture added some super low temperature, solidified H2O. Now while waiting for some protein, we are fumigating the lab with vapors of nicotine. It’s a 4 or 5 round experiment, So I will be late. ”Wife: “Oh dear. I won’t disturb you, You take your time”. Clarifications:- * C2H5OH (wh*skey) * H2O(water) * CO2(soda) * Solidified H2O(ice) * Protein(chicken tikka) * Fumigating (sm*king)

She Was Stunned With Her Kids Behavior Towards The Server. How She Taught Them A Lesson Is Genius. So… I am the meanest mom ever… Like… Ever. Took the kids to Dairy Queen after dinner. They ordered their dessert choices and we waited about 5 minutes for them to call out our number. The young lady (maybe 17) handed each child their ice cream. Not one looked her in the eye.

Not one said thank you. Not to her, not to me… So I waited. I counted to 10 in my head as they dug into their ice cream and the young lady just looked at me (probably because she thought I was hearing voices) and I watched as my children strolled out the door. I followed them outside where I calmly collected their ice creams and my kids watched in horror as I deposited them into the nearby garbage can.

All 3 launched into mass hysteria. I waited. Quiet. Calm. When they realized I had something to say, they quieted down. I explained that one day, if they were lucky, they would work a job like that young lady. And I would hope that people would see them. Really see them. Look them in the eye and say thank you. We are too old at 8/7/5 to move through our days without exercising manners and honestly basic human decency. So today, I am the meanest mom in the world.