Category: jokes

One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him. Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings.

So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did. The priest then asked him again, “Charlie, did you take any of the offering?” This time, Charlie replied, “I can’t hear you.” The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, “I can’t hear you.” Finally, the priest yelled, “Charlie, did you take any of the offering?” Again, the reply was, “I can’t hear you.” The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, “Trade places with me and you can ask me a question.” So, they traded places and Charlie asked, “Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?” To which the priest replied, “By golly, you’re right, you can’t hear in here!”

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” said Little Johnny. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also say you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.” Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

Henry, mom and math homework Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself… “2+5, the son of a bitch is 7” “3+6, the son of a bitch is 9” His mother heard this & asked, “Henry! What is this nonsense you are doing?”

“Oh Mom. Don’t disturb. I am doing my maths homework” Mom: “Is this how your teacher taught you?” “Yes mom”
Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher: “Are you teaching maths to children by saying… 2+2, the son of a bitch is There was silence for a moment, Then the teacher started laughing : “What I taught them was… 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4.”

A woman dies after a long illness, and finds herself just outside of heaven, at the pearly gates. As she peers inside, she sees people she knew from her life on earth enjoying themselves, laughing, and looking quite happy. Just then, St Peter comes along, and she asks him: “Is this heaven? How can I enter the gates?” St Peter replies: “Yes, this is heaven. All you have to do is spell one word for me, and you’ll be free to enter.” “What word?” she asks. “Please tell me!” “Spell LOVE, and you can enter, replied St Peter.

Relieved, she spells the word correctly, and St Peter opens the gates for her. After she had been in heaven for some time, the woman became quite comfortable and happy, but she still missed her beloved husband who she left on the earth. As an extra way of being of service, she asks to become a helper of St Peter, along with others who greet the newcomers to heaven and usher them through the pearly gates. Imagine her surprise one day when her husband appeared at the gates.

“Darling! I thought you’d never get “Darling! I thought you’d never get here,” she says in greeting. “I have missed you so much…tell me, what have you been doing all this time? Was life hard for you after I left?”
Her husband replied: “Well, it’s good to see you, too! Yes, I have been quite busy. I was very sorry when you left, but I was quite attracted to that cute nurse who helped you through your last days, and we ended up getting married a few months after your passing. And then – I won the lottery! Can you imagine? I was able to buy a large mansion, a new car, retired from my job, and my new wife and I traveled the world and we have had a grand life. We were on a vacation in the Greek isles and while I was water-skiing, my ski fell off and hit me in the head…so, here I am! I was sorry to leave her and the earth, but it’s really great to see you again. Gee, it looks so nice in there. Is this heaven?”

The woman looked at him, smiled sweetly, and says: “Well, imagine that! I have missed you so much, and hoped that you missed me, too…but, well, I guess life goes on – right?”
“Right!” he said. “So, tell me… how do you like heaven? I never dreamed I’d get here. Is it easy to get in?”
“Oh, yes, she replied. “All you have to do is spell one word”
“Okay!” he said excitedly. “What word?”
“Czechoslovakia”

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150. His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!” “I bought it today,” he says. “With what money?” says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost. “Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.” The father looks at him like he’s crazy. “Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says. “It was the lady up the street,” says the boy. “I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.

“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother. “Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.” So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.

“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.” “Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says. “But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?” “Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”

A young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?” “Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.” “Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny Billy?” “Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters.” Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. “Where do you think you are going?” she asks. “Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!”

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, “I’m too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than her too.” The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed. Principal: “What is 3 x 3”.

Johnny: “9” Principal: “6 x 6” Johnny: “36” And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher “I see no reason Johnny can’t go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right.” The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.

Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of? Johnny: “Legs”, Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?” the principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, “pockets” Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Johnny: “Pants” Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?” Johnny: “Firetruck” The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.

The first nun says, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.”

“What did you do?” the other nun asks. “Well, of course I threw them in the trash.” The second nun says, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of c*ndoms!” “Oh my!” gasp the other nuns.

“What did you do?” they ask. “I poked holes in all of them!” she replies. The third nun faints.

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother, who had been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my 3 children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. “What’s wrong, are you well?” she asked. “I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much. ”That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an Angel’s. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed,” she said, as she got into the car. “They can’t wait to hear about our meeting.”

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said. “Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation — nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.”

I agreed. “How was your dinner date?” Asked my wife when I got home. “Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered. A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place where mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn’t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless I paid for two plates — one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. “I love you, son.” At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: “I love you,” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family.

An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the father woke up his son.

Father: Look up to the sky and tell me what you see. Son I see millions of stars. Father: And what does that tell you? Son: Astronomically, it tells that you? Son: Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets. Father slaps the son hard and says- “Idiot, someone has stolen our tent” MORAL: Too much education can spoil our common sense.