Category: jokes

A Boy Goes On Date With His Girl Friend, But…. A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex,” she said. The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

WOULD U REMARRY IF I DIE? A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question….WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? “HUSBAND: “Definitely not! “WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?” HUSBAND: “Of course I do..”

WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry? ” HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.” WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: “Would you live in our house?” HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.” WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?” HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?” WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?” HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new. “WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?” HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do. “WIFE: “Would you give her my jewellery? “HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.” WIFE: “Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: “Yes, those are always good times.” WIFE: “Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.” WIFE: — silence — HUSBAND: “Sh*t.”

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, “Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.

The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you! ”The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man’s table and says, “Listen and listen good.

That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I’ll break one of your arms! ”The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, “Go ahead!”

A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship. He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west. ”The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir. ”He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.” The light signals back, “I’m a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir. ”Now the captain is mad. He signals, “I’m an aircraft carrier. I’m not changing my course. ”The light signals back a final message: “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

The teacher asked the kids what they wanted to be when they grew up…Little Johnny: “I wanna be a billionaire, go to expensive clubs, find a bitch there, buy her a million dollar apartment in Vegas.

Buy her a Ferrari, and a beach front house in Malibu, buy her a private jet and expensive jewelry and screw her 3-5 times a day…”The teacher was at a loss for words and didn’t know what to say or do so she just proceeded, “Susie, what would you like to be when you grow
up? “Susie: “I wanna be Johnny’s b**ch!”

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: “I am blind, please help. ”There were only a few coins in the hat. A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words Soon the hat began to fill up.

A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, “Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write? ”The man said, “I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way. “I wrote: Today is a beautiful day; but I cannot see it. ‘Both signs told people that the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign reminded people how fortunate they were to have their sight. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective? Morals of the Story: Be creative and innovative. Think differently and positively, Let’s share this. Maybe you’ll touch someone’s heart and become the reason for the smiles on their faces.

Seven-year-old James strolled the Atlanta Christkindl Market, dreaming of a new iPad from Santa. His parents emphasized the joy of family time over gifts. Spotting his former teacher, Mr. Williams, homeless and struggling, James dashed toward him. Mr. Williams, battling illness and job loss, had lost everything. James, recalling his love for teaching, wondered why he wasn’t at school. Unable to answer, Mr. Williams was interrupted by James’ worried mother, relieved to find her son safe.

On the ride home, James learned of his teacher’s plight. Unable to shake the thought, he rewrote his Christmas wish to Santa: “Help my teacher, not me.” His parents, moved by his selflessness, devised a plan. Inviting Mr. Williams for Christmas, they offered support and shelter. Community efforts led to a fundraiser and secured a new apartment. James’ parents hired him as a tutor while others rallied for his reemployment. Their kindness overwhelmed Mr. Williams, who, upon learning of James’ wish, was deeply moved. In tears, he realized the impact of his teaching. Encouraged by this outpouring of support, Mr. Williams regained his zeal for teaching, leaving with gratitude and renewed purpose. Through a child’s compassionate plea, a community rallied to transform a teacher’s life, illuminating the profound effect of empathy and generosity. What can we learn from this story? Teachers can make a huge difference in students’ lives. A professor can influence the kids they teach in the most beautiful ways. Your kids should learn that Christmas is not about gifts. Teach your children that the holidays are not about receiving but about giving.

HE SHOCKED HIS OLD WIFE BY SAYING HE’D RATHER BE WITH A 23 YR. OLD. HER REPLY IS PRICELESS. After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junky car, slept on a sofabed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV.

But hey I got to sleep every night with a hottie, a 23-year-old girl. Now… I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. So I said to my wife “it seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things. “My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

Woman Panics When The Snow Starts Falling. Then Her Husband Says This. One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through. “Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through. “Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out. Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through? “With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

A WOMAN’S POEM: He didn’t like the casserole, and he didn’t like my cake. He said my biscuits were too hard, not like his mother used to make.

I didn’t make the coffee right, he didn’t like my stew. I didn’t fold his pants, the way his mother used to fold his pants, the way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer, I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him, like his mother used to do.