Category: jokes

There are many different types of jokes, and perhaps you have a favorite. For some people, it is a joke that is on the inappropriate side, and for others, it could be a good dad joke.

One of the more popular types of jokes tends to be a blonde joke. That is, of course, unless you have blonde hair. Those jokes tend to be about how a blonde woman does something ridiculously stupid, but every once in a while, we hear about a blonde that does something brilliant. Check out the following blonde joke to see which will make you laugh this time.

A busty blonde woman walks into a New York bank and goes straight up to the counter.

“Hello,” the man behind the counter says to the woman. “How can I help you today?”

The blonde has to think for a moment and finally says, “I need a loan of two hundred and fifty dollars.”

The bank teller responds, “That’s not a problem, miss. We’ll need you to put something up as collateral.”

The blonde takes another moment to think and says, “I have a car. I’ll put that up!”

The bank teller pulls out a form and asks the blonde, “That would work. What kind of car is it?”

The blonde hands the teller her keys and answers, “it’s a bright orange lamborghini. It’s parked right outside.”

The blonde leaves as the teller finishes the form, dumbfounded by the transaction.

A week later, the blonde returns. She has the loan and all of the interest that gathered over the last week. She walks up to the same teller and hands him the money. He then returns her keys.

As the blonde is leaving, the teller can’t fight the urge to ask any longer. “Excuse, miss. I just have one question. Why did you put this four-hundred thousand car up as collateral for such a small amount of money?”

The blonde turns and replies, “Where else in New York City and I supposed to find parking for a week for as little as two-hundred and fifty dollars?”

There are a number of ways to make a joke funny but perhaps one that works out very well in most cases is to have something where opposites are involved. It could be the very premise of the joke or perhaps just a storyline that leads to the punchline. In either case, however, it adds an interesting element to the humorous story that ends up making us laugh when all is said and done. That is what we have for you here, when an 84-year-old man marries a beautiful 25-year-old woman. You would think that it would be the perfect arrangement for the old man but he lives to regret it in a hilarious way.

A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model.

They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalized.

When his young wife came to see him, the old man said,

“Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You’ll never need to worry about money.”

“Oh, sweetheart, please don’t talk that way,” his young wife exclaimed.

“You’ve been so good to me already. If you go, I’ll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please….tell me what I can do?”

“Well,” the old man gasped, “you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen.”

I think that most of us can agree that cats are awesome. They are a pet that is unlike any other, and we can’t imagine not having one as part of our family. That being said, not everyone thinks of cats so highly and there are times when disagreements can take place in the family about the feline that shares our homes. That is what happened in the following joke. A man didn’t like the fact that his wife wanted a cat but he ended up learning a lesson he will never forget.

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier, and took her to the vet.

We didn’t know what to call her so we named her ‘Pussy-cat.’

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, ‘OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.’

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye.

The vet calls my husband ‘El-Cheap-O’. and my husband calls the vet ‘El-Charge-0’.

They love to hate each other, and constantly ‘snipe’ at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD’s waiting room and the office was full of people waiting to see the doctor

A side door opened and the vet leaned in – he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, ‘Your wife’s pu**y doesn’t stink anymore, and it’s finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God only knows who the father is!’

Then he closed the door.

And that is what’s called “getting even.”

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a deserted island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, “Tell me how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years,” replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Faith and begorah! Is that good!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?” she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, “Ten years.”

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, “Tis absolutely fantastic!”

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, “Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too.”

When we are dating, we often go out on the town and do things that help to keep life interesting. Unfortunately, those days often tend to die down after we get married, and we may find ourselves in a rut.

In the following joke, a husband and wife decide to go out on a nice date, but they also know that it is important to have the house looked after. In their haste, they do something that ends up shocking the taxi driver and potentially ruining the evening.

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.

When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door, and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie, we really didn’t want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the backyard again.

Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.

A few minutes later, he got into the cab all hot and bothered and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

“Sorry it took so long, but the stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed, and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard. She had better not s*it in the vegetable garden again.”

The silence in the taxi was deafening…

What do you do when you come upon a hole? More than likely, you at least take a moment to contemplate what might be at the bottom. Questions may cross your mind, such as, how deep is it and what is down there?

The next logical thing to do is to drop something into the hole and see how long it takes to hit bottom. That is what the two men did in the following joke. The problem is, they took things too far, and it ended up costing more than they thought possible.

Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground.

It was so large that they can’t see the bottom of this hole. “I wonder how deep it is.”, the first man says.

The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen. Thirty seconds pass and still not a sound.

“Wow!” they both exclaim. “Let’s try something else.”, says one man to the other.

They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen. Still nothing.

“My goodness! How deep this hole must be!” says one man. “Let’s try that huge log over there.”, says the other.

Again, with a struggle, they haul this huge log to the hole, and roll it in.

As they wait and listen, and seemingly out of nowhere, a goat runs up and jumps in the hole.

As they both look at each other in shock, they hear a tractor coming across the field.

Shortly, a farmer arrives and asks, “Have either of you boys seen my goat?”

“Yeah!” they both exclaim. “One just came by and jumped in this hole!”

The farmer sits back and tells them, “No, no. It couldn’t have been my goat. My goat was chained to a huge log.”

If there is one type of joke we really enjoy, it is one that starts out with a man walking into a bar. Although what the man does and says is going to be different from one joke to another, you can almost guarantee that something funny is coming you way.

In the following joke, we see that a man is walking into a bar, but he is doing so with an agenda. He wants a free drink, and he has the perfect way to get it. The problem is that the bartender will learn a lesson he shouldn’t have learned.

A man walks into a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen most everything in his time and says, “Sure , Impress me and I’ll even give you a free tab for the night!”

So the man puts down the box and opens it, and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well.

The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing!

The barman was blown away by this, agreeing to the drinks and asking, “where did you find him?”

“Well,” says the man, “I found this magic lamp” He goes back into the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp.

“I rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted me one wish, and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness.”

“Wow,” says the barman.

The man then says, “If you gave me a drink I’m going to let you have the lamp”

“Be careful what you wish for tho.”

So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish.

Next thing, the bar has ducks everywhere!!! Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!!!!!

The barman shouts at the man, saying, “I wished for a million Bucks! Not a million ducks!”

To this, the man replies, “And you think that I wished for a 12-inch Pianist?!”

Woman Honked And Screamed At Him For Stopping At A Yellow Light. What Followed Next Is Priceless. An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, and photographed, and then placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!”

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, “Don’t take a step further.

She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. “Don’t take a step further. ”She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying “I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me? ”Yes! Shouts the woman, “Just where were you on my wedding day!”