Category: jokes

Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight. He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’

The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?

‘The busy flight attendant smiled and said, ‘Did your Mother tell you to ask me?’ The boy said, ‘Yes, she did.’ ‘Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you.”

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, “Don’t take a step further.

She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again.

“Don’t take a step further. ”She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying “I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me? ”Yes! Shouts the woman, “Just where were you on my wedding day!”

Little Johnny was a lazy student and was failing Math badly. His parents had enough of this, so they pulled him out of regular school and enrolled him in the local school.

After the first day, he came home and not a word, and headed up to his bedroom to do his Math homework. He was up there four hours until it was all done.

The same hours until it was all done. The same thing happened the next day, and so on. Several days later, his parents came up to his room and asked, “Johnny, what brought this on? Your working your tail off! “Johnny replied, “When I got to my Math class on Monday, and saw that guy above the blackboard nailed to a plus sign, I knew they weren’t messing around!”

If you were to ask any dog owner about their dog, they would probably tell you it was the smartest pooch that they ever knew. Dogs just continue to amaze us and it doesn’t matter how many we’ve had in our lives, each one has something special about them. Then again, there are times when dogs go above and beyond and that certainly is the case in the following joke. It involves a dog that goes into a butcher shop to buy some lambchops. Of course, the butcher is amazed but then he is flabbergasted when he finally gets to the dog’s house. Enjoy the joke!

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. after a while he stands on his back paws to push the stop bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door.

He does this again and again. no answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “How smart can he be? It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”

Many folks who travel can attest that dealing with certain hotels can be a headache. It seems that most hotels these days are more worried about getting every dime from your wallet than providing an exceptional guest experience for their “valued” customers. It only stands to reason that the “value” in the hotel’s equation only refers to how much the guests can benefit the hotel, not vice versa.

And one of the worst experiences at a hotel is disputing a bill with a pigheaded manager. The manager in this fictional joke tries to saddle a man and his wife with a $350 bill; that’s well beyond the rate they signed up for. However, the husband has a trick up his sleeve that leaves the manager speechless.

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they were too tired to continue, and they decided to stop for a rest. They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but only planned to sleep for four hours and then got back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

“But we didn’t use them.” the man complains. “Well, they are here, and you could have.” explains the manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here.” the manager says. “But we didn’t go to any of those shows.” complains the man again.

“Well, we have them, and you could have.” the manager replies. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”

The manager is unmoved, and eventually, the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for $100.”

“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.”

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the manager.

“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.”

Source: Tickld

There are many advantages to being married, but there is also a price to be paid at times. After all, as we get more and more familiar with someone, we begin to also get comfortable with the things we say.

My mother always told me that, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. That can be difficult when you are married and you think of a real zinger.

Of course, if people always said the nice thing, we wouldn’t have the opportunity to laugh at some really funny jokes. This joke is a good example.

A man and his wife are at a high school reunion and the husband keeps staring at a gorgeous drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table, glass after glass.

His wife turns to him and asks, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband.

“She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the wife.

“Who would think a person could go on celebrating for that long?”

A woman did not like the way her in-laws implied that she and her husband had to pay for their meals despite them sending the invites for dinner. Unintentionally, the woman made a comment that embarrassed her in-laws.

It is often a great feeling to treat family members to a good meal, especially when a special occasion calls for it. However, a woman posted on Reddit, saying how her in-laws were abusing her and her husband’s kindness and always assumed they would pay the bill.

When she finally brought the issue up, she was made to look like the rude daughter-in-law. Fortunately, she was still able to salvage their relationship.A 37-year-old woman and her 40-year-old husband have developed a liking for eating out and called themselves “amateur foodies.” Fortunately, they are blessed with resources that allow them to enjoy dining in unique restaurants.They sometimes ask their in-laws to join them once every three to four months. As the one extending the invites, the couple also pays for their parents’ meals. However, the woman’s in-laws may have gotten a different impression from their gestures.Once, her in-laws asked them out for a meal. The restaurant was located near the parents’ house and was a new place to try for the couple. The woman thought nothing of it and believed her in-laws intended to join their interest in different food items.After dinner, the woman’s mother-in-law got the bill and immediately gave it to the woman’s husband without looking at the price. The husband was taken aback but still paid for the inexpensive meal without saying a word. The woman also kept her thoughts to herself.However, her in-laws again invited them out to a more upscale restaurant that was somewhat pricey. They had already dined in the establishment in the past, so everyone knew the price range. Again, her mother-in-law slipped the bill towards her husband.A woman talking on the phone while people are behind her. | Source: Getty Images.This time, the woman already noticed her mother-in-law’s doing and was not in favor of it. After a while, she commented about her in-laws always letting them pay the tab.