Category: jokes

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many Kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs: In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions’. ‘Like onions?’ “Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’ This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?. The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes – the tree is dead and the balls are just there for decoration.

Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them. “I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked. The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man his secret to long life.

“I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years. “That’s really remarkable!” said the reporter, “And how old are you? “I’m 93,” said the first old man. The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life. “I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some. “And how old are you?” asked the reporter. “I’m 91,” said the second old man. Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life. “I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day. “Wow!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”“29,” replied the third man.

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter — ten men and one woman. The rope wasn’t strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one person had to leave because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren’t able to decide who that person should be until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband, kids and men in general. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping!

During a family dinner, a slender woman with a voracious appetite received criticism and reprimands from her mother-in-law for overindulging in food. The woman refused to pay the full tab at the insistence of her mother-in-law. Individuals differ from one another in terms of their metabolism, way of life, and general health. Even while some people are thinner than others, it doesn’t automatically follow that they eat much less. It is unavoidable to receive criticism from others, regardless of one’s size or weight. Regretfully, one woman’s relationship with her mother-in-law was like this.

When she abruptly started consuming significantly more than she usually did when dining with her husband’s family, things quickly got out of hand. Maintaining a Slim Figure An anonymous 27-year-old woman turned to the Reddit community to share her story and seek advice about her situation. She explained that she comes from a family with fast metabolisms.
Her line of work with horses also requires her to move a lot and burn through her calories. However, she usually has big meals to regain her energy and fuel herself for work. Still, her figure remains slim beyond her control.

The woman did not share any concerns she had with her size. However, she revealed that her mother-in-law often watched over her food consumption. The woman had been married for four years to a man she had known for over six years at the time they wed. Sadly, her relationship with her mother-in-law isn’t ideal. Dinner with the In-Laws One evening, the woman’s in-laws invited her and her husband to dinner. By the time evening came, the woman was starving. Because of her busy schedule, her last meal was around six in the morning, with no snacks in between. Admittedly, she usually has a bite before seeing her mother-in-law to avoid hearing comments, but she did not get the chance this time. Because of her appetite, the woman ordered steak, which was good for two people to share. It also came with prawns, bacon, and two other side dishes. While it was a dish fit for two, it wasn’t the most expensive item on the menu. The woman also knew that she and her husband would be paying half the bill, so she had no problem ordering it. Her Mother-In-Law’s Comments Because she was starving, the woman easily consumed her order and waited for dessert. At that point, her mother-in-law got angry and claimed the woman was “putting on a show” and looking for attention. The mother-in-law claimed that a woman her size shouldn’t be eating that much and that her actions made others at the table uncomfortable. She then demanded that her daughter-in-law and son pay for the entire bill because she did not want to spend as much. The woman narrated: ” I said we are absolutely not covering the entire bill since it was meant to be split equally and reminded her of the dishes she ordered, that were significantly more expensive compared to my steak (including her starter).” While the dinner did not end well, the woman’s husband sided with her and understood where she was coming from. However, his side of the family would make subtle hints through social media posts and would send the woman articles about excessive eating.” The woman’s Reddit post received several comments from people who supported her. One person even hoped that the woman would take her last bite of steak while looking at her mother-in-law in the eyes.

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one.

This goes on for at least an hour and a half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, “I know it’s none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole “drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one” routine?” “Well,” slurred the man, “There’s a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it’s time for me to go home.”

A 47-year-old man boarded a plane on the way to see his daughter after his 43-year-old wife left to get Starbucks in the airport. It was already the second time she would make them miss their flight, so he no longer waited for her. A couple’s daughter, Jess, was receiving her college education in a different state and only saw her on holidays and some weekends. Family reunions are events Jess always looks forward to, so when the couple booked tickets to visit her, she was excited. Unfortunately, traveling together was not a pleasant experience. The man liked everything organized and did things on time.

When traveling, he likes having a headstart to the day in case unforeseen circumstances happen. However, his wife is quite the opposite, with a go-with-the-flow personality. Things took a turn for the worse when they were going to fly to Jess and missed their flight twice. A year ago, the couple booked a flight at 10 a.m. The man wanted to get to the airport 90 minutes early.

Given they lived 30 minutes away, the man believed it was best to leave their home by 8 a.m. Besides the travel time, he allotted minutes for them to park the car and walk to the boarding area. That day, the man woke up at 6 a.m. to double-check everything. He tried to wake up his wife five times to no avail. Finally, she got up at 7:40 a.m. Despite supposedly having only 20 minutes, she made her coffee, showered, and ate a bowl of cereal. As a result, they left home around 9 a.m. Unfortunately, the airport was busier than usual. Because of the long lines going through security, the couple missed their flight. The airline also refused to refund their ticket. The man got new tickets for the next day, which meant missing nearly an entire day with their daughter. “Jess was disappointed, to say the least,” the man said.

A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf. She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object? “The clerk replies, “That is a thermos. “The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”

The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold. “The blonde says, “Oh! I could use some-thing like that! I’ll take it! “The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful! It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold! “The boss asks, “And what do you have in it? “The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out… “Pa you need to go out and fix the outhouse! ”Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin’ wrong with it. ”Ma yells back, “Yes there is; now git out there and fix it.”So…….Paw mosies out to the outhouse, looks around, and yells back, “Ma there ain’t nuthin’ wrong with this outhouse honey! “

Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole! ”Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin’ my head in that hole! ”Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix. ”So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around, and yells back, “Ma – dadgummit there ain’t nuthin’ wrong with this outhouse! ”Ma hollers back, “Now take your head outta da hole! ”Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, and then starts yelling, “Ma – Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat! ”To which Ma replies, “Hurts, don’t it?”

Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?” Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter.” Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.”

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!” Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?” Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”

Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. Angela is also your sister. ”This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: “Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can’t date any of them because dad is their father! ”The mother hugs him affectionately and says, “You can date whoever you want. He isn’t your father!”

Dad Gets A Shock When His Wife Reveals This About His Own Daughter. This Is Gold. One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get- well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing! ‘My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watched him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother would know…) ‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?’