Category: jokes

The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her: “When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.” He didn’t see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy.

The second brother married a woman from Dallas, and said to her: “When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, th laundry done, and have food ready on the table.” On the 몭rst day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either, but on the third day it was as he had asked. The third brother married a woman from Detroit, and said to her: “When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.” On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either. On the fourth day he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WEAR !! A man and woman drive to the store, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashingpercussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to dothe same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around everyday and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to doa bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them.

“From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. “Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?” “A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said: ‘Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible. ‘What do you mean?’ said the pirate, ‘I feel fine.’ Bartender: ‘What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.

Pirate: ‘Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now. Bartender: ‘Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? ‘Pirate: ‘We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.

My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really…’ Bartender: ‘What about that eye patch? ‘Bartender: ‘What about that eye patch?’ Pirate: ‘Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.’ Bartender: ‘You’re kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?’ Pirate: ‘It was my first day with the hook.

A man who drank alot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”. Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt. He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife will leave me”. His friend said.

“I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill”. He goes home and his wife’s angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says, “No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill”. His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money. “Then why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there? ”“Oh, the other is from the man who shat in my pants”

In the wake of her husband Ron’s passing, Lucy sought solace by moving in with her son, Connor, and daughter-in-law, Eve. Initially, Eve took on the role of a caregiver, assisting Lucy with cooking and household chores. However, as time passed, the dynamics shifted, and Lucy found herself burdened with more responsibilities. The turning point came when Eve, engrossed in a movie, instructed Lucy to handle laundry and buy groceries for a Christmas dinner with nine guests. Feeling the shift from being a guest to a caregiver, Lucy decided to teach Eve a lesson.

She took charge of the Christmas dinner preparations, showcasing her culinary skills and creating a memorable feast. The dinner turned out to be a success, earning Lucy compliments from Connor’s friends. As Lucy basked in the praise, she noticed a change in Eve’s attitude. Eve, realizing her oversight, apologized to Lucy for burdening her with chores.

In the end, Lucy’s subtle lesson brought about a positive change. Eve acknowledged her mistake, and the two women returned to a more balanced relationship. As they tidied up post-dinner, Eve expressed gratitude and understanding, recognizing Lucy’s limitations. The story ends with a heartwarming scene of Eve massaging Lucy’s knee, symbolizing the restored harmony between them. Lucy’s approach of teaching through action and the power of understanding transformed a challenging situation into a Christmas miracle. The story prompts readers to reflect on how they would have handled a similar situation. Would they have taken the same approach as Lucy, subtly teaching a lesson, or chosen a different path? It also highlights the importance of communication and empathy in resolving family dynamics.

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking old drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the old drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.

”Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.” Curious, the attorney asked, “What do you have there?” The old drunk replied, “I don’t know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

The attorney responded, “Let me take a look.” So the old drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?” The old drunk man replied, “Out of my nose!”

A car full of Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up along side of them. “Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary….Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.” Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!” Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough…

Cowboy chili, A cowboy walks into a seedy old café in Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of meaty chili. After a few minutes of just watching him staring at the chili, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke.

“If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do? “The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, “Nah, you go ahead.” “Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”

A lady failed the written driving test 4 times. At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass. But the test had the same question, “You are driving at 100 kmh. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff.

On the road you see an old man and a young man. What will you hit? The woman walked up to the examiner and The woman walked up to the examiner and said, “I’ve answered this question all four ways, wall, cliff, old man and young man, yet I failed all four times. How is this possible. What am I supposed to hit???” The examiner replied, “The brakes!!!”