Category: jokes

A woman enters a hair salon and mentions she and her husband will bi taking a trip to Rome to the hairdresser. “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? asked the hairdresser. “It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking Continental,” she replied. “We got a great rate!” “Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser.” That’s a terrible airline.

Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?” “We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on the Tiber River called Teste. “Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump. “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.” “That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it. ”A month later, the woman came in for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome, “It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. “And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, one of the finest hotels in the city.

They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge! “Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope. “Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.. “Oh, really! What’d he say ? ”He asked me, “Who screwed up your hair?”

A boy comes back from school, disappointed, because he got a 0 on a geography exam. “The teacher gave me a zero because I couldn’t answer a question on Portugal,” he said. His mother asked, “What was the question?”

“Where’s Portugal.” “The idiot teacher, I’m going to call the principal’s office. In the meantime we’re going to find where Portugal is.” She gets a map of the state and can’t find Portugal. Then she gets a map of the region and still can’t find Portugal. She gets a map of the city and can’t find Portugal. “I swear Portugal can’t be far. The maid is from Portugal and she comes here to work everyday on her bicycle.”

Little boy sitting on his step eating candy just as fast as he could unwrap it. A man passing by saw what he was doing. He said all that candy is not good for you and will spoil your dinner.

The little boy said I don’t know about that but said I don’t know about that but my grandpa lived to be a 102. The man said wow you mean by eating candy. The little boy said no, by minding his own business.

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her. Nothing she did could stop it. She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Christmas dinner.

But when the dinner finally came, the parrot didn’t say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to the parrot t say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, “Please forgive my behaviour from before. I was entirely out of line hear it. “Wow,” the woman said, “glad to “If I may ask,” said the Parrot, “what on Earth did that turkey say to you?”

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was con- fronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said.

“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” fronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” He replied, “That would be fine with me.” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednes- day came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

I had a tree I wanted removed because it was too close to the house. I called a tree guy. He came out and did a nice job cutting down the tree. He asked me what I thought. I said, “It’s nice, but what about the stump?” He informed me that he was just a tree guy who cut down trees, if I wanted the stump removed, I would need to call a stump guy.

I found a highly recommended stump guy. He came and got the stump out. He says, “There you go.” I found a highly recommended stump guy. He came and got the stump out. He says, “There you go.” I asked him about the hole. He says, “I’m a stump guy and just remove stumps. I don’t fill in the holes.” He told me I would need to call a landscaper. I get ahold of a landscaper and I tell him, “I’m fixing to leave town on a trip. I don’t care what you do, just fix the hole and make it look nice. “I got back today and found out he planted a friggin tree.

Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you don’t have an Uncle Paul. Oh yes I do, & he’s upstairs in the room with mommy right now. Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddy’s car just pulled up. Ok daddy just a min.

A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone. I did it daddy. And what happened honey? Well mommy got mommy that daddy’s car just pulled up. Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone. I did it daddy. And what happened honey?

Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isn’t movin at all! OMG!!! What about your Uncle Paul? He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn’t know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think hes dead! Real long pause! Then daddy says, swimming pool? Is this 486-5732? Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number.

Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. ’Mummy, I was at the playground, and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look, and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…’ At this point, Mummy cut him off and said, ‘Johnny, this is such an interesting story; let’s save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.

’At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, ‘I was at the playground, and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look, and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mumm

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be The Man Of Your House.” He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of fun that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”

I’ve translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear you reaction A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you. “What happened?” The father asks. “Well, she asks me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answer ’63’ , then she asks, ‘and 9 * 7?’ so I asked ‘what’s the fucking difference?’ “Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ”Sure, I’ll go.” The next day, the boy comes home from school “Dad, have you gone by the school?” He asks.

“Not yet. “Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also. “Why?” asks the father. The boy explains, “Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it.

Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked ‘What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?’ “Exactly,” says the father. “Alright, I’ll come. “The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go to the school? “No, not yet. “Don’t bother, I got expelled. “Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled? “Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher. “The f*ck was the art teacher doing there!?” asks the father. “That’s what I said” replied the boy.