Category: jokes

A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.

She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?” The mother replies, “Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.” “You’re wasting your time,” said the boy. “Why is that?” asked his mom, puzzled. “Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.”

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.

“The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down “You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down “Well, did you see this? “Yes,” motioned the monkey. “What happened? “The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. “They were drinking?” asked the officer. “Yes.

“What else? “The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth “They were smoking marijuana? “Yes.” “Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they
wrecked. “Yes.” “What were you doing during all this? “Driving” motioned the monkey.

A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is tobe her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard thepouf. Before she even had a chanceto be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”. The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!” Once again the woman smiled and thought “Yes!”. A few minutes laterthe woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, ”Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!”

A man was heading home from work. Unfortunately the bus got cancelled, so he had to call a cab. While sitting in the cab, he noticed that the driver missed a turn in an intersection. The man carefully tapped the driver on his shoulder and said, “Sorry Sir, but…”

The driver screamed, “AAAAAAHHHH!” and lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a 몭re hydrant and stopped just 1 foot from a department store shop window.

For a full 3 seconds everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver slowly turned around and said, “Look, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver… … For the last 25 years I’ve been driving a hearse!”

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $6,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. “Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce”, the man said.

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him 6,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, “That will be $6,000 in principal, and $18.40 in interest.” The man wrote out a check, The loan officer checked the records and told him, “That will be $6,000 in principal, and $18.40 in interest.” The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk

away. “Wait sir,” the loan officer said, “while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow? The man smiled. “Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $18.40?”

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked awa.

After retiring, I went to the Social Securiy office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

Female waitresses often face challenging situations in their line of work. Despite some male waiters’ claims, women have to deal with issues they may not even consider. Attractive women, in particular, are often subjected to harassment and unwanted advances from some male customers, who seem to have only one thing on their minds – and it’s not food or drink.

Despite these difficulties, most of these hardworking professionals manage to maintain their composure and provide excellent service with a smile, even if they may be seething with anger on the inside.

However, in this particular joke, the waitress does not hold back in expressing her true feelings and making it clear to one customer what she thinks of his “order.” A man enters a restaurant and gets seated. He notices that all the waitresses are exceptionally attractive. One particular waitress, with a curvaceous figure, wearing a very short skirt and seemingly endless legs, approaches his table and inquires if he is prepared to place his order:

“What would you like, sir?” He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie. ”The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?” Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE.’”

Long beard has become quite a popular trend during the last years and we can see more and more men opting not to shave their faces for the sake of being more attractive. The following joke involves an old cowboy who decided to get a clean cut and get rid of his beard.

Eventually, he was quite satisfied with his new looks, but it was something from behind the scenes that he found difficult to handle.

We hope this will give you a good laugh. An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Dillon, Montana for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, “Oh, you would just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”

A woman enters a hair salon and mentions she and her husband will bi taking a trip to Rome to the hairdresser. “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? asked the hairdresser. “It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking Continental,” she replied. “We got a great rate!” “Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser.” That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?” “We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on the Tiber River called Teste. “Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.” “That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it. ”A month later, the woman came in for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome, “It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.”

“And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, one of the finest hotels in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge! “Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope. “Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.. “Oh, really! What’d he say ? ”He asked me, “Who screwed up your hair?”