Category: jokes

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married five times?” “Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

“Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!” The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. And then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on – Very tall, long eyelashes and muscular. St.Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says. “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” The guy says. “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and feel up her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more excited and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes? His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay. The husband says, No, not at all. His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

A blonde walks into a store to buy a new Television She looks around for a while and finds the perfect TV for herself She approaches the salesman and says “I would like to buy this TV.” The salesman says “sorry, we cannot sell you this in good faith, I don’t think you know what you’re looking for.” Upset, the blonde storms out and thinks to herself “He won’t sell me the TV because I’m a woman and he thinks I need a man to choose for me, I’ll show him.”

She goes and buys a disguise with a short haired wig and fake mustache then later returns to the store dressed as a man. She looks around and finds her TV again and walks it over to the counter. In her best male voice she says “Good evening sir, I would like the purchase this TV.” The salesman sees right through her disguise and says “aren’t you the blonde woman from earlier? I told you I will not sell you this.”

The blonde gets upset and storms out once more thinking to herself “So he won’t sell me the TV because I’m blonde, figures! I’m coming back and I’ll get that TV!” She goes to a local salon and has her hair and eyebrows dyed brunette and once again returns to the store. She picks up her TV and puts it on the counter and says “I would like to purchase this television.” The salesman slams his hands on the counter and says “Lady listen you can’t keep coming back here and trying to purchase this!” Confused the blonde says “How did you know it was me? You saw through both disguises, are you some sort of detective? ”The salesman replies “I know it’s you because you’ve been trying to buy a microwave all day, not a goddamn TV!”

We often hear about people who are cheating on their significant other. Sometimes, it makes us upset over the situation but there are other times when something happens along with it that makes us smile. That was the case with this woman, who was cheating on her husband while he was at work and her young son found out about it. Not funny you say? Just wait until you see what he did and you will laugh out loud:

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Its dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250? In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ “Its dark in here.” Man ~ “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy ~ “$750? Man ~ “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says,

“I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ~ “$1,000? The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the house to pick my things.

Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!” The wife noticed that there’s something fishy in her husband’s story but since she was a good wife she listened to her husband and did exactly as he told her. After a week the husband returned home, looking a bit tired but happy to have done a good job.

The wife immediately started asking about the weekend, how it was, if he’d caught any fish and so on. The husband said: “Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pyjamas?” To which the wife responded: “I did….They’re in your fishing box”.

A young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?” “Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.” “Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny Billy?” “Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters.” Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe,

“I don’t want to see you for three weeks. ”Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. “Where do you think you are going?” she asks. “Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!”

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150. His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!” “I bought it today,” he says. “With what money?” says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost. “Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”

The father looks at him like he’s crazy. “Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says. “It was the lady up the street,” says the boy. “I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.

“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother. “Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.” So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it. “Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip.

Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.” “Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says. “But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?” “Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”

A man at work calls home and his 8 years old daughter picks the phone: “Hi honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone? “No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” The little girl quipped. “After a brief pause daddy says, “But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul! “Oh yes I do, and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now.”

Brief pause ,“Uh okay then, this is what I want you to do: put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout to mommy that daddy’s car has just arrived at the gate. “Ok daddy just a minute….” A while later the little girl comes back to the phone, “Done it daddy. “What happened honey? “Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of the bed naked, ran round the room screaming, tripped over, and knocked her head on the staircase, now she is not moving at all.

“What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad. He jumped out the window into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn’t know you emptied the water last week. He hit the bottom and I think he’s dead. ”After a really long pause this time… Daddy says, “Swimming pool, but we don’t have a swimming pool! Is this 486-5731?” “No, this is 486-5713” “Sorry wrong number….!!!!”

The game warden asked the boy, “May I see your fishing license please?” “Naw, sir,” replied the boy. “I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.” “Pet fish?!” “Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’round for a while.

Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take ’em home. “What a line of baloney… you’re under arrest.” The Little Johnny said, “It’s the truth, I’ll show ya! We do this all the time!!” “WE do, now, do WE?” smirked the warden.

“PROVE it!” The Little Johnny released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, “Well?” “Well, WHUT?” said Little Johnny. The warden asked, “When are you going to call em back?” “Call who back?” “The FISH,” replied the warden! “Whut fish?” asked Little Johnny.