Category: jokes

One day he arrives home looking downcast, “That’s it,” he tells his wife “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85

He can’t help.” “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law

And says, “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” Arthur asks. “I don’t remember.”

A blind man decided to visit Texas. When he boarded the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally landed in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.”

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and he fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

One day a 12-year-old girl was walking down the street, when a car pulled up beside her and the driver lowered a window. “I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,” said the driver.

“No way! Get lost!” replied the girl. “How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?” the driver asked.

“I said no way,” replied the girl. “What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?” asked the driver.

“No, I’m not getting in the car,” answered the girl. “Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars,” the driver offered.

No!” replied the girl.

“What will it take to get you in the car?” asked the driver.

The girl replied, “Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo – you live with it!”

Two nuns, Sister Dulce and Sister Andrea, are on their way back from the market one evening. It’s already very late, and they have quite a distance left before reaching their convent. Suddenly, Sister Dulce grabs hold of Sister Andrea’s arm.

“Is it just me,” she asks, “or is that man following us?!” Sister Andrea glances over her shoulder, then whispers back. “I think he might be, yes!” “What do you think he wants?!” Isn’t it obvious?” asks Sister Andrea. “He’s going to rape us! What should we do?!”

I know,” replies Sister Dulce. “We’ll split up. I’ll take the left road to the convent, and you take the one on the right.” The nuns part ways, and a few minutes later, Sister Dulce arrives at the convent. She starts pacing in front of the door, worried that some terrible fate has befaIIen the other nun.

Then, just as Sister Dulce is about to give up hope, she sees Sister Andrea running up the path. “What happened?!” asks Sister Dulce. “Well,” replies Sister Andrea, “I started running, and the man started chasing me.” “Oh, no! Then what?!” “He caught up to me.” Sister Dulce gasps. “What did you do?!” “The only thing I could do,” Sister Andrea answers. “I lifted up my dress.” “What did the man do?!” “He dropped his pants.” Sister Dulce clutches her rosary, terrified of what she’s about to hear next. “Then… then what happened?” “Isn’t it obvious?” asks Sister Andrea. “A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down.”

A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota.”

The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?”

The kid, says “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?” The kid replies, “$101,237.65.” The boss says, “$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?” The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.”

The kid continued, “Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.” The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?” The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said,…” “Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.“

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?” He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?”

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed a man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the man’s smile turned into a grin, so she move again. The man seemed more amused. When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man, (about 20 years old), what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sweets sign that said, THE DOUBLEMINT TWINS ARE COMING, and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, LOGAN’S LINIMENT WILL REDUCE THE SWELLING, I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign than said, WILLIAMS BIG STICK DID THE TRICK, I could hardly contain myself. But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, GOODYEAR RUBBER COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS ACCIDENT, I just lost it.The case was dismissed.

An Amish lady was driving her horse drawn buggy to town with her young son when she was stopped by a highway patrol officer.

“I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer, “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.” “I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as we return home.”

“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed that one of the reins to your horse is tied around your horse’s testicles. Some might consider this to be ‘cruelty to animals’ so you’d best have your husband check this, too.” “Again I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband check this also when I return home.”

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector and her husband said that he would repair it immediately. “Also,” said the Amish lady, “the policeman said that there was something wrong with our emergency brake.”

A new blonde hostess began her first day. The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night.

Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms. The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant was missing.
He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, sobbing. “I can’t get out of my room!”
“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”
The hostess replied, “There are only three doors in here,”
she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid. He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.

“Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am? ”“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly. “You were going 10mph on the highway that’s a serious hazard for other drivers.”The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.

The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10? ”The officer looked at the sign and laughed.“ Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on Interstate 10. ”The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles, “Oh, I’m sorry! ”The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go. But curiosity got the better of him. “Can I ask … “Can I ask why your passengers are so scared? ”The little old lady laughed again. “Probably because I just got off Interstate 175.”