Category: jokes

Just up the road from my home is a field with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse.
But if you stop your car or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing.

Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.

If nearby and listening, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field.

Attached to her halter is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.

As you stand and watch these two friends, you’ll see how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray.

When she returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, she stops occasionally and looks back, making sure her friend isn’t too far behind to hear the bell.

Like the owner of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges.

God watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.

Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those whom God places in our lives. Other times, we are the guide horse, helping others see the way.

Good friends are like this. You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there.

Please listen for my bell, and I’ll listen for yours.

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket.
She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl,
“Nothing but the best for my little kitten.”
The girl at the cash register said,

“I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies.
The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, “That smells like crap.”

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear,

“Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?”

Never fool around with a Little old lady!

An elderly couple is traveling to visit family by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to get a room. They only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic­sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

“But we didn’t use them” the husband said.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.
“But we didn’t go to any of those shows” the husband said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have.” the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!” The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband
gave up and agreed to pay.
As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at
the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”
“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.
“But I didn’t ” exclaims the Manager. “Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
Don’t mess with senior citizens…They didn’t get that age by being stupid!

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

“Let’s see yer fishin’ license, Boy!” the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

“Well, son,” said the Game Warden. “You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!”

“Yes, sir,” replied the young guy. “But my friend back there, well, he don’t have one.”

We need to have fun like everyone else.
Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, “Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break……?”

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “Ar*e Hole” .

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Bev called him a “Sh1t Head”.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.

Overcome with his love for the girl, the boy proposed to her. However, the rich girl derisively rejected him and said, “Your monthly salary is equivalent to my daily expenses, How do you expect me to marry someone like you? I can never love you so forget about me Go find and marry someone else of your level.” Despite being rejected so hurtfully, for some reason, the boy could not forget her so easily.

Roughly 10 years later, they accidentally ran into each other in a shopping mall. She immediately recognized the man and said, “Hey, how are you? I’m now married to a very smart man, and his salary is $15,700 per month! Can you beat that?” The man, hearing those painful words from the woman he used to care for, held back his tears and said nothing

Not a few moments passed when the woman’s husband came back to her side. But before the lady could say a word, her husband immediately recognized the man she was talking to and said, “Sir? G-good afternoon! I see you’ve met my wife!” “Good afternoon too, Mr…?”, said the man. “Mr

Carter, Sir!” The husband then turned to his wife and said,
“Dear, I’d like you to meet my boss
He owns the $100 million project I’ve been working on!”
The woman, left flabbergasted by the turn of events, was not able to say anything back.

The man just smiled and said, “Well, Mr

Carter

I’ve got to get going

I have important things to attend to

It was splendid seeing you today

Have a great day!”

For a minute, the couple just stared at the man as he walked away

Having been over her initial shock, the woman asked her husband in disbelief, “That was your boss?”

“Yes, dear

He’s a very humble person but his life is quite a sad story

They said he once loved a lady but she dumped him because he was just a poor boy back then.

Because of that, he worked really hard

And because he’s smart, he became successful

Now he’s a multimillionaire who earns millions of dollars a month

Unfortunately though, he couldn’t move on from that heartbreak and remains unmarried still.”

The husband went on and said, “How lucky would that lady have been if she had married that man?”

The lady looked in total shock and couldn’t utter a word.

Morals of the story: Life is short

Furthermore, it is just like a mirror – you can only see as much as it reflects.

So don’t be too arrogant or proud by looking down on others because of their current situations

Things and circumstances can change with time.

An older lady was doing some household chores on a beautiful Sunday morning, when she suddenly heard the doorbell ring. She opened the door to see a well dressed man standing there who said.
“Hello, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, do you have a moment to discuss the Holy Word?”

The lady was in a good mood and had just put on a pot of coffee, so she invited the man in and sat down with him at the kitchen table.

When she offered him a cup of coffee, she noticed that the man looked a little lost.

She asked, “Now, what would you like to talk about, dear?”

The young man replied with a pale and shocked face,

“Beats the hell out of me, I’ve never gotten this far…”

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the unclothed man’s head.

The wife shouts, “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Panther tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and He even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabby and says, “What would you do?”

The cabby replies, “I’d cover his bum with that blanket before he catches cold.”

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway. His wonder is cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. “Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the postman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, “Actually we had it Saturday night.

This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing ‘Who Am I’.”

The postman thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”

“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The mailman laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up four or five times.”

Man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time.
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right every single time.”

Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.

He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.

He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”