Category: jokes

Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I’m now banned from that supermarket.

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away.”

The second lady said, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can’t remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down.”

The third lady chimed in, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have those problems. Knock on wood.”

With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, “That must be the door. I’ll get it.”

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man, Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.” The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.” Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him And one of the students said to him,

“We’re medical students and couldn’t help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said,

“I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought, but you are wrong.”

So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

The old man said,

“I thought it was gas but I was wrong, too!”

The security clerk pretended to check tickets on the dress rack nearest the door. Her eyes carefully scanned a woman who stood hesitatingly just inside the boutique door. The clerk took a quick mental snapshot—old shoes with run-over heels, a small run in her right stocking, out of-style leather handbag, crinkly black nylon dress at least fifteen years old and straggly hair. Not the image of this store’s usual clientele.

She approached the woman, asking the mundane, “May I help you?”

The elderly woman smiled and whispered, “Yes, I need a dress.” The surprised security clerk quickly signaled a nearby salesperson who hurried over to the waiting customer. Store policy toward the less desirable was, “Wait on them quickly; get them out of sight.”

“How may I help you?” the sales clerk asked. This would only take a moment, and then she could go on her morning break.
“My only granddaughter is getting married. I need a complete outfit for the wedding. I want her to be proud of me. Just tell me what I should wear.’
“You mean you want to see a bridal consultant?” the clerk asked incredulously. The woman nodded her head and followed the clerk to small oval room filled with fancy clothes.
“Why did you bring her in here?” the consultant whispered angrily.

“She wants to be outfitted for a wedding,” the clerk said as she laughed and walked away.
The bridal consultant had been a model in her younger years and still affected the haughty look she believed implied sophistication. She asked the woman to sit down at the small desk opposite her and took out a pad and pen.

“First, I must know how much you are prepared to spend,’ she said. She was eager to get this over with and might as well cut to the chase.
“I have been saving my money for this outfit ever since their engagement was announced last spring. Annie sent me an airplane ticket so I can spend it all on something nice to wear.” Her slightly palsied hand pulled the envelope from her handbag. “I think there is seventy dollars here. you may count it if you like. I can spend it all if need be.’

The consultant quickly counted the money. “Actually, there are seventy-two dollars. Perhaps you should visit our basement thrift shop. They have a few dresses for around fifty dollars.”

“I went there first. Miriam suggested I come to see you,” she said smiling. “They said you would be glad to help me.’
(Oh, that Miriam. She loves a good joke. Wait until I get the chance to pay her back for this, the haughty one thought to herself.)
Just then the elderly woman spotted a powder blue dress on a nearby rack. She stood and walked quickly toward it. Before the consultant could stop her, she held the dress before her in a mirror.

“Now, this one I like. It is beautiful, but not too showy!” It was a plain dress with a long-sleeved jacket edged with just a touch of matching lace, “I should have matching shoes, of course. I will wear my strand of pearls. Afterward, I will give them to the bride as a wedding present. They belonged to my grandmother. Look, the dress is just my size!”

The consultant gulped. She was suddenly feeling a mix of frustration, sympathy and anger. How could she tell this sweet old lady that the price of the dress she wanted was three hundred dollars? Matching shoes would be another seventy-five dollars. Sometimes life just wasn’t fair.
A young, beautifully dressed bride-to-be stood nearby watching the scene. She had just picked up the custom veil she had ordered for her own wedding next week. Her family was well-off and had told her to spend whatever she wished on her wedding. She interrupted the consultant before she could speak to the grandmother about the dress.
“Excuse me a moment,” she said as she led the consultant a side and whispered. “Let her have the dress, shoes, whatever else she needs. Just add it to my bill. Tell her they are on sale. Just take fifty dollars of her money. That will leave her with a little spending money—and her pride.”
“But why?” The consultant asked. “You don’t even know her.”
“Just call it a wedding present to myself. I never knew either of my grandmothers. As I walk down the aisle, I will think of her and pretend she is my grandmother, too.”

An elderly woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait:
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with that classic patronizing smirk and asked,
“What’s your hurry?”

She replied. “I’m late for work.”
“Oh yeah.” Said the cop, ‘what do you do?”
“I’m a R*ctum Stretcher.” She responded.
The cop stammered. “A what?”

“A Rctum Stretcher!”
“And just what does a r*ctm stretcher do?”
“Well.” She said.

“I start by inserting one finger in the r*ctum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in and then I slowly, but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6-foot a*sehole?” He asked.
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge!”

One day a 12-year-old girl was walking down the street, when a car pulled up beside her and the driver lowered a window. “I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,” said the driver.

“No way! Get lost!” replied the girl. “How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?” the driver asked.

“I said no way,” replied the girl. “What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?” asked the driver.

“No, I’m not getting in the car,” answered the girl. “Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars,” the driver offered.

No!” replied the girl.

“What will it take to get you in the car?” asked the driver.

The girl replied, “Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo – you live with it!”

They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day. When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor. “Whoops,” he says and turns to the waiter, “I’m terribly sorry but could I have another.” The waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top pocket. “Here you are, Sir.” Says the waiter, handing him the spoon. “Oh, thank you,” says the man a little surprised. The couple tuck into their soups, chit chatting about the wonderful service and how delicious the soup is.

The man glances around the restaurant and notices all the waiters have a spoon sticking out of their top pockets curious about the spoons he beckons the waiter back over. “Is everything to your liking, Sir?” asks the waiter. “Oh, yes, it’s wonderful, thank you, I was just curious as to why all the waiters are carrying a spoon in each of their top pockets.”

“Very observant, Sir. Statistically spoons are the most dropped utensil so to save time we all carry a spoon in our pockets.”
“That’s very clever, thank you.”
The waiter returns to the kitchen and the man turns back to his soup.

After a few more sips he is looking around the room again and notices the all the waiters have a short piece of string hanging out of the fly on their trousers.

He gestures again for the waiter who returns to the table.

“Anything I can do for you, Sir?”
“Just another question, if you don’t mind,” says the man with genuine curiosity.

“I notice all the waiters have a piece of string hanging out of their fly, what is the reason behind that?”

“Well, Sir, to be perfectly honest the string is tied to the tool so when we go to the bathroom one can just pull it out with the string and eliminate the need to wash ones hands, thus saving more time.”

“Interesting,” says the man.

A look of slight confusion crosses his face and he adds, “But what about when you need to put it away?”

“Well, Sir,” says the waiter, leaning in conspiratorially,
“Personally I use the spoon.”

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”.

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”. Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”.

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

One day he arrives home looking downcast, “That’s it,” he tells his wife “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.” His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea.

As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85

He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law

and says, “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law

“I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” Arthur asks.

“I don’t remember.”

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”

He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”
He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?”

The next day the husband comes home and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says.

“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.

Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the his wife.

“What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”