Category: jokes

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married 10 times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative.

He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was …Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him!But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m going to get screwed!”

Little Johnny is in his closet when he hears a noise. His mom comes in and starts having s*x with someone other than his dad. He hears a door slam and his mother say “Oh no, my husband his home! Quick! Hide in the closet.”
The man get in the closet and little johnny says, “Dark in here isn’t it?” The man is startled but then calms down.
“Yes it is.” “Do you want to buy my baseball glove?”

“No.”
“I could go to my dad.”
“Fine. How much? “200$” Fine.
This happens again later in the week.
“Dark in here isn’t it?”

“Yes, yes it is.” “Do you want to buy my baseball bat?”
“How much?” “300$”
A few days later his dad wants to play ball with him and tells him to go get his glove and bat.
“I can’t. I sold them to my friends.”

“For how much?” “500$”
“That is way too much. I am taking you to church right now for a confession.
They get to the church and little johnny gets in the booth.
“Dark in here, isn’t it?”
The reverend says “Don’t start that shit agin. Your in MY closet now.”

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees. She explained that, “When a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later, the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.”

Little Johnny — at the back of the class — put his hand up and asks the teacher,

“Are you sure about the stork, miss? “

“I think you’re getting your birds mixed up.”

“My big sister just got a little baby and she said it came from a black pecker at the beach!”

A Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I don’t want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don’t need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do? ”The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life.

But somethings inevitably will not go the way you want. Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled.

Then who will you blame?

Will you blame Yourself?

”Woman: “NO!!!”Psychiatrist: “Yes…That’s why you need a Husband!”

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.” The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.” Sally raised her hand. She said,

“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.

Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying. “No.” Every day she would ask him to please let her have the set. Every day he would say. “No.” One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all. When Dolly asked, he looked at her and said. “You can have that living room set you have been wanting, but only on one condition.”

Dolly was so excited! “Anything you want, honey!” Well.” He began. “When you grow hair on your chest, I’ll buy you that living room.” “Grow hair on my chest?” Dolly was devastated. “How am I going to do that?” Her husband just smiled and went off to work. Arriving home that night, he found Dolly waiting for him. Her eyes sparkled and the smile she wore was almost as big as the day they wed.

“Honey.” She trilled. “I ordered my living room set this afternoon!” “You did?” Her husband stammered. “You have hair on your chest now? I mean real hair, not a toupee, or some animal hair pasted on!” “I sure do!” She replied. “No way! Let me see it.”

Replied her husband. “OK!” She said as she lifted up her skirt. “There it is!” She pointed to her privates. “HONEY! That is not your chest!” “Oh, yes it is! Before we were married it was your ‘hope’ chest. Since we’ve been married it’s been your ‘tool’ chest. And if I don’t get my living room set, it’s going to be the ‘community’ chest!”

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,”Seven Points.” His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied, “It’s fart football!” A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score!”

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7!” Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score!” Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!”

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, “What the heck was that?”

The old man replied, “Half-time, Switch sides!”

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

‘What’s the matter, dear’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night, The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met’. She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,’ he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched …Once again, the wife is touched to tears. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies. The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car’ ‘Yes, I remember’ said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him. The husband continued. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years’

‘I remember that, too’ she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said “I would have gotten out today.”

Little Mary came back home after school and said, “Mommy, today during the school break Johnny kissed me on my lips!” The mother asked indignantly but with surprise, “And how did this happen?” “It was not easy, but three of my classmates helped me hold him firmly.” LOL!! L. Johnny Walking To School. A mother was worried about her kindergarten son, Little Johnny, walking to school. He didn’t want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but still knew that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she could follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance so he probably wouldn’t notice her. The neighbor said that since she would be up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for her to exercise too, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Little Johnny as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the two walked and talked, kicking stones and twigs, Johnny’s little friend noticed the same lady following them as she seemed to do every day of the week.

Finally, she said to Little Johnny, “Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week?” Do you know her?’ Little Johnny nonchalantly replied, “Yes, I know who she is.” The little girl said, “Well, who is she?” ‘That’s just Shirley Goodnest,’ Little Johnny replied, ‘and her daughter Marcy ….’ ‘Shirley Goodnest? Who is she, and why is she following us?

“Well,” Little Johnny explained, “every night my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, cuz she worries about me so much.” And in the Psalm, it says, “Shirley Goodnest (surely goodness) and Marcy (mercy) shall follow me all the days of my life.” So I guess I’ll just have to get used to it. LOL!! SO CUTE!! I hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, “Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I’m so mad, I can’t even see straight. “The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, “Gimme another one. “The bartender pours the drink but says, “Now, before I give you this, why don’t you let off a little steam and tell me why you’re so upset? “The man begins his tale. “Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me.

I thought, ‘Wow, this has never happened before.’ You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I’m interested. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar.

So, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true. “He continues, “She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn’t take me much longer to get out of my clothes. But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door.”

The blonde says, ‘Oh, my god, it’s my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He’s gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!’ I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn’t hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but I figured that he’s bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock.

I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn’t see me… “The bartender says, “Well, I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point.” “Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open, and he yells, ‘Who you been sleeping with now, witch? ‘The girl says, ‘Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.’Well, the guy starts tearing up the room.

I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I’m thinking, ‘Boy, I’m glad I didn’t hide in there.’

Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn’t hide under there either.

Then I heard him say, ‘What’s that over there by the window?’

I think, ‘Oh God, I’m dead meat now.’But by now the blonde is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking.
Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time.

I figure maybe he’s gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head.

I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!

“The bartender says, “Oh man, that would have pissed me off for sure.”

“No, that didn’t really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands.

I mean, look at my fingers. They’re a bloody mess. I can hardly hold this glass.

“The bartender looks at the guy’s hands and says, “Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset.”

“No, that wasn’t what really pissed me off.”The bartender then asks in exasperation,

“Well, then, what did finally piss you off?”

“Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground!”