Category: jokes

They sometimes say that you should never judge a person before you walk a mile in their shoes. Most of us agree with the fact that it is a good idea but sometimes, we may find ourselves in a situation where we feel we know what is on somebody’s mind, even though we don’t have the first clue. That was what happened to this woman and it ended up causing a very uncomfortable and unnecessary situation. In the end, we get to have a good laugh at exactly what was going on behind the scenes.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed a man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the man’s smile turned into a grin, so she move again. The man seemed more amused. When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man, (about 20 years old), what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, THE DOUBLEMINT TWINS ARE COMING, and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, LOGAN’S LINIMENT WILL REDUCE THE SWELLING, I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign than said, WILLIAMS BIG STICK DID THE TRICK, I could hardly contain myself. But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, GOODYEAR RUBBER COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS ACCIDENT, I just lost it.

The husband comes home and worried because he has a scratch on his chest caused by a fingernail from his mistress, opens the door seeing the cat asleep on the couch, gives him a tremendous kick.

The cat “screams” a loud meow and runs out the door. The wife comes in the living room and asks what happened and he angrily replied:

“This cat seems crazy, I was walking in and, just like that, he jumped on me and scratched me in the chest.”

“Look at that hell of a scratch!” The woman replied:

You did very well, today this fool has bitten my a***s and gave me one hell of a hickey on my neck.

A young woman goes to her boyfriend’s parent’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. This is to be her first time meeting his family, and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine Thanksgiving meal. The young lass is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the beans.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit, and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed

Her boyfriend’s father looked over at the family dog that had been snoozing at the young woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, “Charlie!” The young woman thought to herself, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer one squeal. The father again looked at the dog and growled,“Get out from under the table!” Once again the young lady smiled and thought, “Yes!” A few minutes later our petite heroine had to let another one free. She let go a blast that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust, and yelled, “Move Charlie before she shats on you!

A story is going viral this week that features what may be the best comeback that I have ever seen! A 6 year-old girl was sitting in school one day when the teacher began to teach the class about evolution. She approached a boy student in the class, and the following dialogue ensued:

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a minute later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That’s my point. We cann’t see God because he isn’t there. He doesn’t exist.

That’s when the little girl raised her hand and asked the teacher if she could pose some questions to the boy. The teacher then gave the girl permission.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yesssssssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssssssss.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No.

LITTLE GIRL: Then, according to what we were taught in the school today…she must not have one!!

LOL! How perfect is that?! She really showed her teacher!

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey, Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.” “Aw, come on, boy,” the farmer insisted. “Well, OK,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like it.” After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host.

I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.” “Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?” “Under the wagon.”

A woman Walks Into A Butchery Just Before Closing and Asks, “Do You Still Have Chicken? ” The Butcher Opens His Deep Freezer, Takes Out The Only Chicken Left and Puts It On The Scale, And It Weighed 1.5 kg. The Woman Looks At The Chicken and At The Scale And Asked, “

Do You Have One That’s a Bit Bigger Than This One?” The Butcher Puts His Only Chicken Back Into The Freezer, and Then Takes It Out Again,

But This Time When He Puts It On The Scale; He Craftily Keeps His Thumb on The Scale Pan And The Scale Now Showed 2 kg

“That’s Wonderful,” Said The Woman. “I’ll Take both Chickens, please!”

Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.

But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed.

“Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he?

Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles. While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”

The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’ll be pregnant. If they’re lying in the mud, they’re not.” The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out. The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.” “Neither,” yelled his wife, “They’re in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn.”

In class one day, Ms. Thompson pulled Jimmy over to her desk after a test, and said, “Jimmy, I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.” Jimmy was astounded and asked Ms. Thompson to prove it.

“Well,” said Ms. Thompson, “I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first president?’ and the little girl that sits next to you, Penny, wrote ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.” “So? Everyone knows that he was the first president.”

“Now, just wait a minute,” said Ms. Thompson. “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’ Penny put ‘Abraham Lincoln’ and so did you.” “Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Jimmy. “Wait, wait,” said Ms. Thompson. “The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’ Penny wrote ‘I don’t know,’ and you wrote, ‘Me neither.’” LOL! He probably thought he was going to get away with it too!

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand while he pulls a male buffalo. As soon as he got inside, the Indian said to the waiter, “Want coffee.” “Sure, Chief. Coming right up,” the waiter replied, soon returning with a large mug of coffee.

After drinking down the coffee in one gulp, the Indian turned and shot the buffalo with his shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter all over the place as he walked out of the cafe. The next morning, the Indian returned to the cafe. Once again, he had a shotgun in one hand and he was pulling a male buffalo in the other. Walking up to the waiter, he said, “Want coffee.”

“Whoa, Tonto!” the waiter replied. “We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?” With a huge smile on his face, the Indian responded, “Training for a position in United States Senate.

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.” LOL! How perfect is that?! Jokes like this one are perfect for lifting our spirits and making us think at the same time. Social media users can’t get enough, with some saying things like “hilarious” to others saying that the joke is “so true.” What are some of your favorite jokes? Let us know in the comments section