Category: jokes

A flight is on its way to Sydney, Australia when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.” The flight attendant goes into the c*ckpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.” The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this , I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney.”

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work, She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up.

“Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?” He looks her up and down and surmises that she’s an idiot whom he can take advantage of. “I’ll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There’s paint, brushes, ladders and everything you’ll need next to the car in the garage.”

“Sure, sounds great!” The man closes the door, chuckling at what a great deal he’s just brokered. Half an hour later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it up and there’s the blonde. “You’re finished already?” he asked her incredulously. ”Yeah! It isn’t really that big! But I think you should know, that’s not a porch. It’s a Jaguar!”

He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me.

I wanna take my money to the afterlife.” So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!” She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.” “Yes,” the wife said, “I promised.

I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.” “You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?” “I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

he story below is a classic joke about a man who found success later in life and let his self centered entitlement get the better of him. He brings a ridiculous complaint to his wife who shuts him down in the best way possible.

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10—inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23—year—old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69—year—old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.” My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 23—year—old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10—inch black and white TV. Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.” Feel free to like and share and don’t forget to let us know what you think in the Facebook comments. If you’d like to see more jokes just like this one, please tell us! We love hearing from y’all!

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house. “Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock. ” The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…

You have to be single and

You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

Dirty Old Men An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was nice shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice witl picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been there for a while.

Before he went, he back a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women -dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!” The old man replied, didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up, he said… “I’m here to feed the alligator!” Some old men can still think fast.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: “Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00.”

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. “Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, “Can I help you?” “I was wondering,” whispers the man, “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” “Yes,” she purrs, “I am.” The man replies, “Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!”

A guy walks in the local brothel, says, “I want the cheapest one you got, I don’t have much money.”

The guy behind the counter says “How bout the $1.95 cent special?” The customer says “OK”, and he paid, headed to the room.

When he opened the door, he found this beautiful broad spread out, just waiting for him. He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her. Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears.

He freaked, “OMG she’s sick.” He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happening, and the guy says “hey Joe! The dead one’s full again!”

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel.

He looked at her and asked, “Do you think we can still do that?” “Well, we can sure try!” she answered.

So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor. “What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked. “Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”