Author: admin

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…’ The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’ The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.‘Coming up,’ says the bartender, As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’ her right says, I would like to buy you a drink, too.

‘The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming up,’ says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’ The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming right up, the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water? ‘The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

A few days ago I received a friend request on FB from a young attractive guy about 28 years old… I was curious. I wanted to know why someone that young wanted to be my fb friend. So I accepted it. Then he started sending me private messages. He was very kind. He called me beautiful. He asked my age. I’m not a liar so I told him and reminded him I’m quite a bit his senior. And I let him talk a bit cos (truth be told) flattery ain’t all that bad.

We keep talking for a while and within a short time, he asked if we could talk about ‘ad*lt things’. I said ok. Then he replied with a face like. He said ‘thank you babe, you start.” So I did! I told him adult things like my knees and hips were hurting. My back acts up when it is cold like. He said ‘thank you babe, you start.” So I did! I told him adult things like my knees and hips were hurting.

My back acts up when it is cold outside. I explained that I have crazy insomnia, I toss and turn the entire night and that I often have leg cramps, especially when I try to sleep. I mentioned the scars from multiple surgeries and the limp I have from an old injury. And of course I had to throw in the need for daily fiber supplements to prevent passing gas. Can’t forget that one! I was waiting for him to answer me…He blocked me. He wanted to talk about adult things and then don’t take the heat! I think I’m just a bit too much woman for him to handle!

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighbor- hood boys for being stupid.

Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?” Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made $20!”

A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.

She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”

The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”

The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”

The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”

The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that! I’ll take it!”

The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful! It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”

The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?”

The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”

An educator asked her sixth grade class: “Who can perceive me, which human organ becomes multiple times greater when it’s invigorated?”

Maria stood up, dazzling red and furious, and said “How might you pose such an inquiry? I’m telling my folks and they will get you terminated!”

The educator was stunned by the eruption, yet chose to disregard it. She asked the class once more, “Who can perceive me, which human organ becomes multiple times greater when it’s animated?”

This time Thomas answered, “The response is the iris in the natural eye.”

“Awesome, Thomas. Much obliged to you,” answered the instructor who then, at that point, turned her look on Maria.

“Maria, I want to let you know three things. To begin with, you clearly have not gotten your work done. Second, you have a grimy brain. What’s more, third, I dread that one day you will be extremely, disheartened.”

We sometimes hear stories about old men that marry young women. It doesn’t seem right, at times, but they will be the first ones to admit that age is just a number.

That being said, there are some problems that can occur when an older man is with a younger woman. Many of these revolve around intimacy, but there are times when they may come up with a plan that works for everyone involved.

That is what happened in the following joke. In fact, this old man had it figured out from the honeymoon forward.

A 70-year-old man had never experienced marriage. One day, fate brings him face to face with a stunning 17-year-old girl, and a spark ignites between them instantly.

Their connection grows, and they decide to tie the knot. Setting off for their honeymoon in Florida, they embark on this new chapter of life together.

Upon their return, his curious friend queries, “So, my friend, how was the honeymoon?”

With a blissful smile, the man responds, “Oh, it was truly enchanting. The sun, the waves, we shared intimate moments almost every night, we -”

His friend playfully interrupts, “At your age! How did you manage such a feat night after night?”

The man chuckles and replies, “Well, you see, we nearly made love on Monday, we nearly made love on Tuesday…”

When it comes to jokes, we all tend to have our own personal likes and dislikes. Some of them tend to make us crack up and others just put a simple smile on our face.

One of the times when we tend to laugh the most is when something unexpected happens. There are times when we see the punchline coming, but if we don’t, it can really get us going.

That is why we are so happy with the joke below. It starts out funny but it gets even better as you go along.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.

“Stay where you are,” she said.

“He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife:

“Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife.

Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.

The husband climbed out of bed and counted.

One, two, three, four, you’re right.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were dissatisfied with something you purchased? Perhaps you were even looking for a way to get your money back or at the very least, to get satisfied for the disappointment.

A young man felt this way and it is written down perfectly in a joke. When he agreed to spend the night with a woman for $500, he was also dissatisfied so he decided to do something about it.

Not everything turns out as expected and at times, we may even get surprised when we try to fix something that may or may not need fixing. The man in this joke found that out all too well when he got a reply to his letter.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”

On the way to his office, he regretted it and decided it wasn’t worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

“Dear Madam,

Enclosed, find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

It had never been occupied
That there was plenty of heat
That it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.

Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.”

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir, first of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!

Please be so kind as to send a check for the full amount of $500, or I’ll be forced to contact your current landlady.

When we are in a relationship, the last thing we want to have happen is for the other person to cheat. Unfortunately, it happens all too often, and it’s never a laughing matter. Then again, there are plenty of jokes that revolve around infidelity.

If you haven’t heard a good joke in a while, I invite you to read what we have for you below. Not only did I laugh, I shared it with others and they all agree it was the funniest thing we’ve heard in a long time.

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotten SOB,” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

There’s an old saying that you should be careful what you ask for. The reasoning behind it is that you may just get an answer you don’t want.

Ask anyone that has been married for more than a week but they will tell you that there are times when you need to be careful what you ask for in that relationship. Nobody understands it better than the married couple in the following joke.

She asked a question that has probably been asked by every married person since the beginning of time but she got an answer she wasn’t expecting.

A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?”

The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.”

The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?”

The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”