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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs.Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn’t want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn’t want the Uber driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the Uber all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing into the Uber all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the car pulled away, “Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard….she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again. “The silence in the Uber was deafening…..

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are. ”The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”

One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age…” Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!” Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?” Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…”We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

TEACHER TRIES TO ASK A QUESTION IN SUNDAY SCHOOL. AND IS SHOCKED AT THE RESPONSE. A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. She asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered. “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven? “Again, the answer was, “NO! “Now she was smiling. Hey, they’re getting it, she Again, the answer was, “NO! “Now she was smiling. Hey, they’re getting it, she thought! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband would that get me into Heaven?” she asked. Again, they all answered, “NO! “She was just bursting with pride for them. “Well,” she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven? “A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.”

THESE TWO NUNS SHOCKED THE CASHIER WHEN THEY BOUGHT SOME BEER. BUT HIS RESPONSE IS PERFECT. Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 convenience store and as they passed the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?

“The second nun replied, “Indeed it would sister, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable buying beer since I’m certain it would cause a scene at the checkout register. “I can handle that without a problem,” the other nun replied, so she picked up a six-pack and headed for the register. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. “We use beer for washing our hair,” the nun said. “Back at our nunnery, we call it “Shampoo”. “Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer, then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “The curlers are on the house.”

WIFE CALLS THE BAR TO CHECK IF HER HUSBAND IS TELLING THE TRUTH. BUT NEVER EXPECTED TO HEAR THIS A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. ‘Where the hell have you been all night?’ she demands. ‘At this fantastic new bar,’ he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.

It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – hell, even the urinal’s gold! ‘The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story. ‘Is this the Golden Saloon?’ she asks when the bartender answers the phone. ‘Is this the Golden Saloon?’ she asks when the bartender answers the phone. ‘Yes it is,’ bartender answers. ‘Do you have huge golden doors?’ ‘Sure do.’ ‘Do you have golden floors? ‘Most certainly do. ‘What about golden urinals? ‘There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, ‘Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!’

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to him and said, “Don’t you know who I am? “The man replied, “Yep, sure do. ”Satan asked, “Aren’t you going to run? “Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man. Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me? “The man replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”

Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?” Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter.” Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.”

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!” Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?” Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.” Father:

“Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. Angela is also your sister. ”This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: “Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can’t date any of them because dad is their father! ”The mother hugs him affectionately and says, “You can date whoever you want. He isn’t your father!”

fix the outhouse! ”Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin’ wrong with it. ”Ma yells back, “Yes there is; now git out there and fix it.

”So…….Paw mosies out to the outhouse, looks around, and yells back, “Ma there ain’t nuthin’ wrong with this outhouse honey! Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole! ”Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin’ my head in that hole! ”Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix. ”So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around, and yells back, “Ma – dadgummit there ain’t nuthin’ wrong with this outhouse! ”Ma hollers back, “Now take your head outta da hole! ”Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, and then starts yelling, “Ma – Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat! ”To which Ma replies, “Hurts, don’t it?”

A 47-year-old man boarded a plane on the way to see his daughter after his 43-year-old wife left to get Starbucks in the airport. It was already the second time she would make them miss their flight, so he no longer waited for her. A couple’s daughter, Jess, was receiving her college education in a different state and only saw her on holidays and some weekends. Family reunions are events Jess always looks forward to, so when the couple booked tickets to visit her, she was excited. Unfortunately, traveling together was not a pleasant experience. The man liked everything organized and did things on time.

When traveling, he likes having a headstart to the day in case unforeseen circumstances happen. However, his wife is quite the opposite, with a go-with-the-flow personality. Things took a turn for the worse when they were going to fly to Jess and missed their flight twice. A year ago, the couple booked a flight at 10 a.m. The man wanted to get to the airport 90 minutes early. Given they lived 30 minutes away, the man believed it was best to leave their home by 8 a.m. Besides the travel time, he allotted minutes for them to park the car and walk to the boarding area.

That day, the man woke up at 6 a.m. to double-check everything. He tried to wake up his wife five times to no avail. Finally, she got up at 7:40 a.m. Despite supposedly having only 20 minutes, she made her coffee, showered, and ate a bowl of cereal. As a result, they left home around 9 a.m. Unfortunately, the airport was busier than usual. Because of the long lines going through security, the couple missed their flight. The airline also refused to refund their ticket. The man got new tickets for the next day, which meant missing nearly an entire day with their daughter. “Jess was disappointed, to say the least,” the man said.

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.” The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out. ”The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention, please?”, she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

“We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14”. With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, “F** You!” Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.” Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain…