Author: admin

Whether it’s true or not, Irish are believed to be drinking to excess, so it doesn’t come as a surprise that there are a bunch of jokes about them regarding the consumption of liquor. However, we believe the one below is one of the best out there.

This is gonna make you burst out laugh ing

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphys Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”

The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”

The first one says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”

The other bloke answers, “Im from Dublin, I am.”

The first one responds, “So am I!”

“Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin?”

The other bloke says, “A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”

The first one says, “Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?”

The other bloke answers, “Well now, I went to St. Marys, of course.”

The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

The other bloke answers, “Well, now, lets see. I graduated in 1964.”

The first one exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Marys in 1964 my own self!”

About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.

Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, “I’ts going to be a long night tonight.”

Vicky asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?”

“The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,

“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”

“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.” Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”

The devil is in the details…. During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation. “Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.” The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath. “It was my Sternum that was crushed”

A guy asked a girl in the library. “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl answered with a loud voice. “I don’t want to spend the night with you.”

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him. “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” The guy responded with a loud voice. “$200 just for one night? That’s too much” And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the boy whispered in her ears. I study law and I know how to make someone guilty.”

Many people who work as a handyman find that it is an interesting job. They never know what they are going to run into from one day to the next and sometimes, they may even be in for a surprise or two. If there is one thing that any repairman will tell you, it’s the fact that they need to listen to what is told to them as far as instructions are concerned. If you don’t listen to the instructions, you might find yourself in some trouble and the repairman in this story found himself in a very bad situation.

Laura’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. “Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my bulldog, Bob. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I repeat, do not talk to my parrot!”

When the repairman arrived at Laura’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally, the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up you stupid, ugly bird!” To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Bob!

he wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.

The wife said, ” Where are you, you know we have lots to do?!”

He said, “You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. “Yes, I do remember that shop….” she replied. “Well I am in the bar next to that.”

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking old drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the old drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.

”Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.” Curious, the attorney asked, “What do you have there?” The old drunk replied, “I don’t know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

The attorney responded, “Let me take a look.” So the old drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?” The old drunk man replied, “Out of my nose!”

A man who drank alot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”. Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt. He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife will leave me”.

His friend said. “I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill”.

He goes home and his wife’s angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says, “No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill”. His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money. “Then why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there? ”“Oh, the other is from the man who shat in my pants”.

If there’s one thing we love is clever jokes with a simple twist. Sometimes you don’t need a long, and elaborate story to get to a great punchline. You just need a few words and the right situation.

In this joke, we have an Irishman and an Englishman visiting a bakery together. The Englishman thinks he’s pretty slick, but the Irishman shows him up big time with his “magic trick.”

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.

Pexels/furkanfdemir

He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’ll show you how to do it honestly and get the same results.”

The Irishman then called the owner of the bakery and said, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”

The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

Pexels/Gustavo Fring

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.

He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner said, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”

The Irishman then said, “Look in the pockets of the Englishman”.

LOL!

Pexels/Tim Samuel

If you enjoyed this joke, please pass it along to your friends and family.