A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Hunting flies,” he replied. “Oh, killed any?” she said. “Yep, 3 males, 2 females,” came
“Hunting flies,” he replied. “Oh, killed any?” she said. “Yep, 3 males, 2 females,” came the answer. Intrigued, the wife asked, “How can you tell them apart?” Husband: “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”
Husband is walking behind his wife and says, “Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine. “The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the keeps walking. Bedtime comes around, the husband starts getting amorous. Wife says: “I’m not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. You’ll have to do it by hand !”
My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn’t want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn’t want the Uber driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.
A few minutes later he got into the Uber all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing into the Uber all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the car pulled away, “Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard….she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again. “The silence in the Uber was deafening…..
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning? “He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.” morning?” He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.” “Where shall I put it to get it warm? “He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there. “But what about the smell? “Just hold its nose. “The man is expected to recover, But the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly, she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
A married couple never fought, not even once in 25 years of marriage. A friend of the couple asked, “How is that even possible?” Husband replied, “Well, we went to a ranch for our honeymoon. While horse riding, my wife’s horse jumped and my wife fell off. She got up and patted the horse and said “This is your first time.”
After a while it happened my fell off. She got up and patted the horse and said “This is your first time.” After a while it happened again and she said, “This is your second time” And when it happened the third time, she pulled out a gun and shot the horse. I shouted at her and said, “Are you crazy?!? You killed the horse!! “She gave me a look and said, “This is your first time.”
A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said: The food looks delicious, let’s eat. Wife: Honey, you always
Wife: Honey, you always say prayer before eating at home? Husband: That’s at home sweetheart, here the chef knows how to cook.
Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs. 3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him. 1 said “U ever had a hug?” He said “No” so she hugged him & walked on. 2nd said “U ever had a kiss?”
He said she hugged him & walked on. 2nd said “U ever had a kiss?” He said “No” so she kissed him & walked on. 3rd said “U ever been fuo ed?” He said “No” as his eyes lit up… she said “U will be when the tide comes in.”
A married couple were walking through a garden, when suddenly a dog ran towards them. They both knew it will bite them. The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart. The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.
The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her. But his wife shouted, “I’ve seen people throwing stones & sticks at dogs, this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog, Moral: No one else can misunderstand a Husband better than a Wife.
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner…unannounced at 7:30 pm after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens. Wife: “My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done.
I’m still in my Wife: “My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?!? “Husband: “Because he’s thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!”