A blonde female bought herself a new Mercedes. She could drive the car during the day, but at night the car wouldn’t move at all.
She tried driving the car at night for a week with no luck. Furious, she called the dealership, told them the problem and they sent a mechanic to the house. The mechanic gave the car a thorough inspection and could not find anything wrong.
Eventually, he asked the blonde,” Are you sure you’re using the right gears? “Of course I am. I’m not stupid. I use “D” during the day and “N” at night! dreem.
School can be boring sometimes. I am sure you’ve fallen asleep during some of the classes you weren’t really fond of while a student. Well, to a girl named Mary Margaret that happened quite too often. The catholic teacher didn’t like her napping while she was teaching so she had some questions for Mary Margaret. But, she never expected to get such answers. Read the story below, you’re going to love it.
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School, usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
“Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?”
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When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, “Very good” and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
But Mary didn’t stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the rear.
Pixabay
“Jesus Christ!!!” shouted Mary Margaret, and the Nun once again said, “Very good,” and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question…”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The nun fainted…
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Johnny got up and said: “S*x is a *temptation*, caused by a *sensation*, where a boy sticks his *location* into a girl’s destination* to increase the *population* of the next generation*, of the next generation*. Did you get my *explanation* ? Or do you need a *demonstration*? The teacher fainted.
A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. “Mother of six,” he would say, “what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!” She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, “Mother of six, I think it’s time to go!” The wife immediately shouts back, “I’ll be right with you, father of four!
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.” Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?” “And so, here we are!”
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.
‘I have a better idea,’ she replied, ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married. ‘Wow! That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed. ‘Good,’ she replied, ‘get your own fucking blanket! ‘After a moment of silence, he farted.
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans, When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight. He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.
A woman with small boobs buys an old mirror from an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. The next morning, she playfully says, “Mirror, mirror on my door, make my boobs size 44!”
There in a flash of light, her boobs grow to enormous proportions. She immediatly runs down to her husband, and tells him the startling news. There in a flash of light, her boobs grow to enormous proportions. She immediatly runs down to her husband, and tells him the startling news.
The both go upstairs to the bathroom, and the husband crosses his fingers, and says, “Mirror, mirror on my door, make my penis touch the floor! “There’s a flash of light, and both his legs fall off!
JAN: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. FEB: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo!!! Bottles won’t fit in typewriter!!! MAR: Got really excited – finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months – box said ‘2-4 years! APR: Trapped on escalator for hours – power went out!!! MAY: Tried to make Kool-Aid – wrong instructions – 8 cups of water won’t fit into those tiny packets!!!
JUN: Tried to waterski – couldn’t find a lake with a slope. JUL: Lost breast stroke swimming contest – learned later the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms! AUG: Got locked out of my car in rain storm -car swamped because soft-top was open. SEP: The capital of California is ‘C’ – isn’t it??? MAY: Tried to make Kool-Aid – wrong instructions – 8 cups of water won’t fit into those tiny packets!!!
JUN: Tried to waterski – couldn’t find a lake with a slope. JUL: Lost breast stroke swimming contest – learned later the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms! AUG: Got locked out of my car in rain storm -car swamped because soft-top was open. SEP: The capital of California is ‘C’ – isn’t it??? OCT: Hate Smarties – they are so hard to peel! NOV: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days – instructions said I hour per pound and I weigh 108!!! DEC: Couldn’t call 911 – duh – there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!! Whew – what a year!!
A lady went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you? “The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him $200. Blushing, he said, “Well, thankee, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before. “Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”
