Author: admin

A lady failed the written driving test 4 times. At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass. But the test had the same question, “You are driving at 100 kmh. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff.

On the road you see an old man and a young man. What will you hit? The woman walked up to the examiner and The woman walked up to the examiner and said, “I’ve answered this question all four ways, wall, cliff, old man and young man, yet I failed all four times. How is this possible. What am I supposed to hit???” The examiner replied, “The brakes!!!”

Teacher: How old is your father? Kid: He is 6 years. Teacher: What? How is this possible? Kid: He became father only when I was born. (Logic!! Children are quick and always speak their minds.) TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now, Class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-1-A-L’

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I love this child.) TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: HIJKLMNO. TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O. TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, sir; It’s the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!) TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher. PASS THIS AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH! LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL’S MEDICINE!!

A s**y Irish blonde at a C**ino, seemed a little intoxicated, She bet 20,000 Euro on a single roll of dice. She said – “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel luckier when I’m n**e”. With that she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled – “come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped and yelled – “yes yes, I won…..I won….” She hugged each dealer and picked up her winnings and clothes and left. The dealers gazed at each other, dumbfounded. Finally one of them asked

– “What number rolled on the dice?” The other “I don’t know, I thought you were watching. “Moral of the story: Not all drunks are drunk, Not all blondes are dumb.

So the new CEO decides it’s time to rid the company of slackers. On a tour of the facilities, he notices a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers. Seeing a chance to show he meant business.

He says to the guy, ‘How much money do you make a week?’ A little surprised, the young man says, ‘I make $400. Why?’ The CEO says, ‘Wait right here.’ He walks back to his office and comes back in two minutes.

He hands the guy $1,600 in cash and says, ‘Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now get out and don’t come back!’Feeling like a boss now, the CEO looks around and says, ‘Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball’s job was around here?’ From across the room, a voice says, ‘Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.’

He said…. I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it. She said…. You wear pants don’t you? He said….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said… That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! He said….. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said…. Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said…..

Why are married women heavier than single women? single women? She said….. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

GONNA BE A BEAR In this life I’m a woman. In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear. When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you’re mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.

You swat anyone who hers your cubs. If your cubs get out of ton I could deal with that If you’re mama bear, everyone mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup, gonna be a bear!

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease, it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”

He answered, “That’s okay. “I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out Goodbye, Mum, as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy. “She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mum. “The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his shopping.

“That comes to £121.85,” said the assistant. “How come so much? I only bought 3 items!” The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d be paying for her things too.”

An 83 year old british gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern French lady asked if he had been to France before. He liked he had indeed been previously.

The lady scarcastially said then you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir. The gentleman said i didn’t have to show it last time. Impossible! The woman said, you British have always had to show your passports to get through here!

The man passports to get through here! The man responded by whispering, well, when i came ashore on the beach on D Day in 1944, i couldn’t find any f##king Frenchmen to show it to!… Wear your poppy with pride.

Daughter’s text to Dad: Daddy, I’m coming home to get married soon, so get your checkbook ready. LOL! As you know, I’m in Australia and he’s in the US. We met on a dating site, became friends on Facebook, and had long chats on Whatsapp.

He proposed to me on Skype and now we’ve had a 2 month relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding. Lots of love, Lilly. Dad’s reply: Dad’s reply: My dear Lilly, Like Wow! Really?

Cool! Whatever… I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, register for your stuff on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay. Lots of love, Dad.

A man ran home from work, pulled his wife into the bedroom.

Threw her on the bed, and pulled the blankets over them. She was shocked – he hadn’t been like this for 20 years. Then her husband said: “Look! My new watch glows in the dark’.