An elderly couple are both lying in  bed one morning, having just awaken from a good nights sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.”

“Why not,” he asks.

She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”

The husband says to her, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”

The wife says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”

Her husband insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”

His wife answers, “I know I’m dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!”

A guy in a bar notices a woman

A guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis, after the second week, he made his move.

“No thank you,” she said politely.”

“This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”

“That must be rather difficult,” the man replied.

“Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said.

“But, it has my husband pretty upset.”

A newly married Italian couple is spending their honeymoon in the bride’s mother’s country cottage.

It’s the 1930s the bride’s father died long ago, and they don’t have much money so this is the best they can do.

The new bride, a lovely young woman, has never left her village and never been with a man before.

Her new husband sits alone upstairs while she tells her mother how nervous and scared she is to be with a man for the first time.

“You-a don’t-a worry” Her mother tells her “I stay here and make-a the spaghetti, you go upstairs and have-a some fun”

The young woman goes upstairs and readied herself to consummate her marriage.

Her husband, sitting on the bed smiling begins to remove his shirt.

Having never seen a hairy chest before, the young bride gets frightened and runs downstairs.

“Momma!” she says “It’s-a so scary! He has-a the hair on his-a chest-a.”

“Calm down, little one” her mother says, stirring the sauce.

“Everything-a gonna be-a alright. I stay here and make-a the spaghetti, you go-a upstairs and have-a some fun”

So the young bride goes back upstairs.

Her new husband takes off his shoes, and pulls down his pants.

Having never seen hairy legs before, she gets scared and runs back downstairs.

“Oh-a momma!” she cries “It’s-a so scary! He has-a the hair on his legs-a”

“It’s-a OK,” her mother says in a calming voice.

“I stay here-a and make-a the spaghetti. You-a go upstairs and have-a some fun.”

So the bride goes back upstairs.

Her new husband is now wearing only his underwear and socks.

She stands in the doorway, gathered herself and smiles at her groom.

He sits on the bed and removes his socks.

However, the man had fought in the Great War and was injured by a landmine.

It blew off all of his toes and part of his left foot.

The new bride knowing this was not normal cried out in fear and ran back downstairs.

“Momma! Momma! she screams. It’s-a so scary! Oh my god-a momma, I never seen-a anything like it before-a. You won’t believe it momma, but he has a foot and a half!”

The mother stops stirring her sauce and looks up at her daughter in disbelief.

After a short pause she says “OK dear, don’t-a worry. You stay here-a and make-a the spaghetti…..I go upstairs and have-a some fun”

Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, “No”.

Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

She replies, “No.”

Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! eat your lunch and go back to school.”

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

His mom says “No.”

He asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His Mom replies, “Ok, do tell me what you think?”

He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.

“What’s wrong,” asks the mother.

“Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out,” replies the daughter.

The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.

About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.

“Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out.”

The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.

Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.

“It’s okay,” says the mother, “I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out.”

“No,” says the boy,

“I was having a wank and I’ve shot the dog.”

A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him “I’ll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it’s done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says “Can I help you, ma’am?” Lady goes “I’m looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer “Okay 10, 20, or 30 ft?”

Lady “30ft.”

He takes her to where the hoses are and says “After, can I interest you in a lawn mower?”

“Why would I need a lawn mower?”

“Well you’re going to water your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’ll need a lawnmower for that.”

“Actually yeah, I do need a lawnmower.”

The boy is pretty impressed that his trainer was able to sell this lady a lawnmower.

So the trainer goes to the second customer and says “Can I help you, sir?”

The man says “Yeah, I’m looking for some fertilizer.”

“Sure. 10, 20 or 30 pounds?”

“20″

So the trainer takes the man to where the fertilizer is and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a new lawnmower?”

“Why would I need a lawnmower?”

“Well you’re going to fertilize your grass, the grass is going to grow and you’re going to need to cut it. You’re going to need a lawnmower.”

“Yeah, actually, I do need a lawnmower”.

The boy at this point is amazed by his trainer’s salesmanship.

So now it’s the boys turn to help a customer.

He goes up to this lady and asks “Is there something I can help you with today?”

“I’m looking for some tampons.”

“Sure, 10, 20 or 30 pack?”

“30 pack”.

So the boy takes the lady to where the tampons are and says “When you’re done can I interest you in a lawnmower?”

The lady looks at him confused as says “What on earth would I need a lawnmower for?”

“Well, your weekend’s fu*k**d, might as well cut the grass.”

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears;

“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.”

When I got fired, you were there to support me when my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side you know what?

“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck.”

In a small town far away, a young man started his own business—a dime store at the corner of two streets

He was a good man

He was honest and friendly, and the people loved him.

They bought his goods and they told their friends about him.

His business grew and he expanded his store

In a matter of years, he developed his one store into a chain from coast to coast.

One day, he was taken ill to the hospital, and the doctors feared that his life was ending soon.

He called together all three of his adult children and gave them this challenge: “One of the three of you will become the president of this company that I have built over the years.

To decide which one of you deserves to become the president, I am going to give each of you a one-dollar bill.

Go today and buy whatever you can with that one dollar, but when you get back here to my hospital room this evening, whatever you buy with your dollar must fill this room from corner to corner.”

The children were all excited at the opportunity to run such a successful organization.

Each went to town and spent the dollar

When they came back in the evening, the father asked, “Child number one, what have you done with your dollar?”

“Well, Dad,” he said, “I went to my friend’s farm, gave him my dollar, and bought two bales of hay.”

With that, the son went outside the room, brought in the bales of hay, undid them, and began to throw the hay up into the air.

For a moment, the room was filled with hay

But in a few moments, the hay all settled on the floor and the room was not completely filled from corner to corner, as the father had instructed.

“Well, child number two, what have you done with your dollar?

“I went to Sears,” he said, “and bought two pillows made with feathers.” He then brought in the pillows, opened them, and threw the feathers all over the room

In time, all the feathers settled down on the floor and the room was still not filled.

“And you, child number three,” the father added, “what have you done with your dollar?”

“I took my dollar, Dad, and went to a store like the one you had years ago,” the third child said

“I gave the owner my dollar and asked him for some change

Some quarters and dimes and nickels.

I invested 50 cents of my dollar in something very worthwhile, just like the Bible says

Then I gave 20 cents of my dollar to two charitable organizations in our city.

Twenty more cents I donated to our church

That left me with one dime

With the dime, I bought two items.”

The son then reached in his pocket and took out a little matchbook and a little candle

He lit the candle, turned off the light switch, and the room was filled.

From corner to corner, the room was filled—not with hay, not with feathers, but with light.

His father was delighted

“Well done, my son

You will become president of this company because you understand a very important lesson about life

You understand how to let your light shine

That is good.”

Nido Qubein

Little Johnny is in his closet when he hears a noise.

His mom comes in and sta*ts m@king l0\/e w*th som*one oth*r

He hears a door slam and his mother say “Oh no, my husband his home! Quick! Hide in the closet.”

The man get in the closet and little Johnny says: “Dark in here isn’t it?”

The man is startled but then calms down. “Yes it is.”

“Do you want to buy my baseball glove?”

“No.”

“I could go to my dad.”

“Fine. How much? ”

“200$”

“Fine. ”

This happens again later in the week.

“Dark in here isn’t it?”

“Yes, yes it is.”

“Do you want to buy my baseball bat?”

“How much?”

“300$”

A few days later his dad wants to play ball with him and tells him to go get his glove and bat.

“I can’t. I sold them to my friends.”

“For how much?”

“500$”

“That is way too much. I am taking you to church right now for a confession.”

They get to the church and little Johnny gets in the booth.

“Dark in here, isn’t it?”

The reverend says: “Don’t start that sh*t again. Your in MY closet now.”

Three babies are in their mother’s womb.

One of them says, “I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here.”

The next one says, “I want to be an Olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here.”

Then the last baby says,” I’m going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I’m gonna chop that damned thing in half!”

2nd Joke: Little Sally asked her dad
Little Sally asked her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block, he told her no because Fluffy was in heat.

Little Sally says what does in heat mean?

Without any explanation her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it and told her to go around the block and come back straight home.

When she returned she was alone. Her dad asks; where is Fluffy?

Little Sally says, Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home.

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, “What are you doing?”She answers, “I’m moving to London.

I heard womens there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he’s going,he replies,“I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year

2nd joke: A Couple Comes Up To A Wishing Well
A couple comes up to a wishing well.

The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny.

His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.

The guy says, “Son of a… it works!”