Author: admin

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store as they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?” The second nun answered, “indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand.”

“I can handle that without a problem” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out the cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. “We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said, “back at our nunnery, we call it shampoo.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “The curlers are on the house.”

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’ The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it.

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Tickets, please!” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea.

So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer. When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Tickets, please!”

A man and his wife are at a high school reunion and the husband keeps staring at a gorgeous drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table, glass after glass.

His wife turns to him and asks, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” sighs the husband. She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating for that long?”

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she’s wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, “Where did you get that necklace?” She replies, “I won it in a rate at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.” The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.

Her husband asks, “Where did you get the bracelet?” She replies, “I won it in a ra몭e at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.” The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat.

He says, “I suppose you won that in a ra몭e at work?” She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.” Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is
only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub.” He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your ra몭e ticket wet.”

Sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced! ”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way”.

An older lady was doing some household chores on a beautiful Sunday morning, when she suddenly heard the doorbell ring. She opened the door to see a well dressed man standing there who said.

“Hello, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, do you have a moment to discuss the Holy Word?” The lady was in a good mood and had just put on a pot of coffee, so she invited the man in and sat down with him at the kitchen table. When she offered him a cup of coffee, she noticed that the man looked a little lost.

She asked, “Now, what would you like to talk about, dear?” The young man replied with a pale and shocked face, “Beats the hell out of me, I’ve never gotten this far…”

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.” The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook.

“This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?” “No,” the cook said, “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”

“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal*Mart when they collide: The first old guy says to the second guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The second old guy says.

“That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.” The first says. “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?” The second old guy says.

“Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?” The first old guy says. “Doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”

There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother’s house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway’s made it by there by 2PM. One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?

“No problem,” says the man in the corvette, “I’ve got a rope in the back and we’ll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride.” The man says, “Ok!” They take off and the driver yells back, “Just yell beep beep if I’m going to fast.” No problem the man thinks.

They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man’s eye’s widen in fright. Sure enough, the light changes and they’re off! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost. Meanwhile, at the local police dept: “Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street.” “What’s so weird about that?” asks the other cops. The first cop says, “There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming beep beep and trying to pass!”