Author: admin

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter without clothes on the bed with a vibrator. “What are you doing?” She exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter without clothes on a sofa with her vibrator. “What are you doing?” He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.” A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. “What are you doing?” She asked. He replied, “Watching the game with my son-in-law.

An elderly man has owned this large farm in Louisiana for many years. Right at the back of the farm, there is a large pond that is ideal for swimming. The old farmer fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening, the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hasn’t been down there for a while.

Before setting off, he grabs an empty bucket as he decides he’ll bring back some fruit. As he nears the pond, he can hear voices shouting and laughing with glee. Clearly, some people are having a good time. As the farmer gets closer, he can see a bunch of young women who are obviously skinny-dipping in his pond.

He makes the women aware of his presence and immediately, they all swim over to the far end. One of the women shouts, “We’re not coming out until you leave, mister!” The farmer replies, “Ladies, I didn’t come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond. You carry on.” The wily old timer then holds up his bucket and says, “I just came down here to feed the alligators!”

Three men are trying to cross a river. The first one prays and says, “Please give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! He grows huge arms and legs and swims across the river.

The second man prays and says, “Please give me the strength and ability to cross this river.” Poof! A rowboat appears in front of him and he rows his way across the river. The third man, seeing what the others have done, prays and says, “Please give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river.” Poof! He turns into a woman. At that point, she looks at a map, walks down the bank and uses the bridge to cross the river.

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”

“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?” “No,” she replied. “As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose ‘Carmen’” “What’s your name?” she asked. He answered “B. J. Titsengolf.”

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and, as luck would have it, he knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return Two o’clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.” He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

“Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. “Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. “Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger.

Quickly, she wrote, “Don’t despair. Sister Barbara,” on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man’s attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. “What’s this?” she asked. “That’s the $8,000 you have coming Sister,” he replied. ”Don’t Despair paid 80-to-1.”

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. “You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.” “No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo.” She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words.” She then asked Bobby what he had done.

“I read a book,” he replied. “That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?” Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said,… “Winnie the Shit.”

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they ma_de love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, rom_antic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down…. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleas_ure device… a vibr_ator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. ‘You impotent bas_tard,’ She screamed at him, ‘How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!’ The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: ‘I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids.’

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her melons.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your melons, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “If your weapon is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.” “No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened? ”His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,…“I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. It Worked! The headaches are all gone. ”The husband replies, “Well, that is wonderful.

”His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? ”The husband agrees to try it Following his appointment, The husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He Puts her on The bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.

”He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful! ”The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back. ”He goes back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back. ”With That, He goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying, “She’s not my Wife. She’s Not my wife. She’s not my wife…”His funeral services will be held on Friday.