Rude Bus Driver A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen.
Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says “You do The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes Husband: Never noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed.
Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up. Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
Girl Thinks That She Is Smarter Than Her Classmates. But Then Her Mom Said This. Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde?” Jenny asked. “Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!” “Very good, Jenny,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs “Very good,” said her embarrassed mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No Honey, it’s because you’re 24”.
This Woman Was About To Refuse Her Maid A Raise, But Then She Said This. The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset. She asked, “Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?” Helen: “There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said that?” Helen: “Your husband.” Wife: “Oh.” Helen: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.” Wife: “Who said that?” Helen: “Your husband.” Wife: “Oh.” Helen: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you.” Wife: “Did my husband say that as well?” Helen: “No, the gardener did.” Wife: “So, how much do you want?”
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”
The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?” The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.” “All right. How long do you need them?” The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.” After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”
Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken. When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.” “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you. ”“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him, “I’ll take it.” The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How did you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better. ”The manager was impressed No problem with the other guy snoring, then? ”“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine. “How’d you manage that?” asked the manager. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and after that he sat up all night watching me…
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol. “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said. The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled. The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?” The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?” The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!” The woman then gave the officer her license. “I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.” The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?” The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”
BLONDE’S WALK TO a redhead all heaven though, steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh.
The brunette goes first and laughs at rally to the seventh step before she laughs.
Finally, the to londes turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she laughs.
God asks her, “You were close, why did you laugh?” and she responds, “I just got the first joke!”
Boy: I’ll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole. Girl: ok. (climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
Next Day…(Same boy): I’ll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole! Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy today the, Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn’t wearing underwear. Mom:…
The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please, wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”