A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, “Where have you been?” The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, “Where have you been?” The boy says,
“On top of blueberry hill.” Then a girl walks in and the Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, “Where have you been? Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill.” and the girl says, “No, I am blueberry hill.”
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s 3:30 in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push??” “No, get lost! It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?” “But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?” And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.” So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” The Playground and the drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”
After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice. “Hi Sweetheart, it’s Mike I’m on the Train.
Yes, I know it’s Six thirty and not four thirty, but I had A Long Meeting. No, honey, I was not with Paula from the Accounts Office, I was with the Boss attending the meeting. No Sweetheart, you’re the only one in My life. “Yes, I’m sure dear”.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the Young Woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone. “Darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed.” Now, mike is back from the hospital and doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.
A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed, puffing and panting.
“What are you doing?” the man inquires. “Err,” she stammers back.
“I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!” “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!” He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out.
“What’s the matter, son?” asks the father. “Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler. Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely naked, just as his son had said. “You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring Johnny!”
guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, “What was that for?”
She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it.” He says, “Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.” She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, “What was that for?” She answers, “Your horse called.”
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, “I’m too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than her too.” The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed. Principal: “What is 3 x 3”.
Johnny: “9” Principal: “6 x 6” Johnny: “36” And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher “I see no reason Johnny can’t go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right.” The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.
Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of? Johnny: “Legs”, Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?” the principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, “pockets” Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Johnny: “Pants” Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?” Johnny: “Firetruck” The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.
A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the house to pick my things.
Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!” The wife noticed that there’s something fishy in her husband’s story but since she was a good wife she listened to her husband and did exactly as he told her. After a week the husband returned home, looking a bit tired but happy to have done a good job.
The wife immediately started asking about the weekend, how it was, if he’d caught any fish and so on. The husband said: “Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pyjamas?” To which the wife responded: “I did….They’re in your fishing box”.
A young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?” “Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.” “Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny Billy?” “Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters.” Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. “Where do you think you are going?” she asks. “Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!”
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150. His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!” “I bought it today,” he says. “With what money?” says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost. “Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.” The father looks at him like he’s crazy. “Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says. “It was the lady up the street,” says the boy. “I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.
“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother. “Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.” So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.
“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.” “Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says. “But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?” “Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”
One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam’s wife, undressed, watering the garden. When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he’s seen his wife undressed.
Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John’s yard and catches sight of John’s wife performing make love. The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. “Hey, I saw your wife performing make love on you last night.” “Ha ha, the joke’s on you,” John says, “I wasn’t home last night!”