Author: admin

On their first date, a man asked his companion if she’d like a drink with dinner. “Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said. Later, he offered her a cig*rette.

“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said again. On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.

“Okay,” his date replied. Shocked, he asked, “What will you tell your Sunday school class?” “The same thing I always tell them,…” “You don’t have to drink or smoke to have a good time.”

A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?” He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on Harleys.

My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy’s Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I’ve been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker. ”She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.

As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women.” Then she got up and left. The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?” He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself…
“2+5, the son of a b**ch is 7”
“3+6, the son of a b**ch is 9″
His mother heard this & asked, ” Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?”

“Oh Mom. Don’t disturb. I am doing my maths homework”
Mom: “Is this how your teacher taught you?”
“Yes mom ”

Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:
“Are you teaching maths to children by saying… 2+2, the son of a b**ch is 4?”
There was silence for a moment
Then the teacher started laughing :
“What I taught them was… 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4.”

A teenage boy goes to church to confess his sins. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.” The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?” The boy replies, “Yes, Father, it is.” The priest asks, “And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.” “Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?” Tommy replies, “I cannot say.” The priest insists, “Was it Lisa O’Shanter?” “My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Cathy O’Dell?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you have to atone.” “You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself.” Tommy says, “Yes, Father.” Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?” Tommy grins and says, “Four months vacation and three good leads!”

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking.

Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.” “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.

The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.” “I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

In a heartwarming yet surprising story, we find ourselves at an elegant dinner celebrating the 75th wedding anniversary of an elderly couple. This remarkable milestone speaks to a lifetime of love and commitment.

As they enjoy their special evening, the old man, filled with curiosity, leans forward to his wife and broaches a sensitive subject that has haunted him for years. He confesses his long-standing concern that their tenth child never quite resembled their other children.

It’s a question that has lingered in the back of his mind, one he feels compelled to ask despite the many wonderful years they’ve shared together. He reassures his wife that whatever the answer may be, it won’t diminish the love and happiness they’ve experienced over seven and a half decades.

With a sense of trepidation, the wife, unable to meet her husband’s gaze, takes a moment to gather her thoughts. Finally, she admits the truth, revealing that their tenth child did indeed have a different father. The old man is visibly shaken by this revelation, the weight of her confession hitting him harder than he had anticipated. A tear forms in his eye as he struggles to come to terms with what he’s just learned.

Then, in a moment of tenderness and honesty, he musters the courage to ask the most difficult question of all: “Who was the father?” His voice quivers with emotion as he awaits her response.

Once more, the old woman lowers her head, grappling with the weight of her words. The truth is a heavy burden, but she knows she must share it with her husband. Finally, summoning all her strength, she looks into his eyes and delivers the unexpected answer: “You.”

The room is filled with a mixture of emotions – surprise, disbelief, but also a profound understanding of the depth of their connection. In this poignant moment, their enduring love shines through. Despite the revelation, they remain a couple bound by a lifetime of devotion, a reminder that true love can weather even the most unexpected of storms. Their 75th anniversary celebration, marked by honesty and acceptance, becomes a testament to the enduring power of love and forgiveness.

A man goes out with his friends for the night. Before he leaves he tells his wife, “I promise I will be home by midnight.” Midnight comes and goes. He finally arrives home at about 3 AM. As he walks in he realizes the cuckoo clock is about to go off.

As it begins to go off he has a flash of genius and decides to coo another 9 times. He sneaks into bed satisfied with himself. The next morning he wakes up and his wife has breakfast made. She doesn’t seem to be mad. Satisfied with himself he asks her, “You sleep okay last night?”

She replies, “Yeah, but we need a new cuckoo clock.” He asks her why and she tells him, “Last night it cooed 3 times, then it yelled, “Crap!” “It cooed another 6 times, farted, and giggled a little bit.” “Finally it cooed 3 more times, farted, and tripped on the carpet.”

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?” “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.” “OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?” “Now really,” the mother says, “Those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?” “That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. “My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” says the friend, “All you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.” The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?” “I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprised and shocked now. “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?” “And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I also know why you and daddy got a divorce.” “Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?” “Because you got an “F” in s**x.”

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes – tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Check your oil! Please.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or monster trucks.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
No NO you really do have too many shoes.
It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

A man is driving down the highway when he sees a shipping truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, “Quick! You’ve gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for AAA!”. The truck driver gives the man $50 for his troubles.

The man agrees and drives off with the penguins. After fixing his vehicle, the truck driver heads over to the zoo to make sure the penguins made it safely. There’s no sign of the man or the penguins. The truck driver panics and starts scouring the town for his missing penguins.

An hour later he passes by the local cinema, when who does he see leaving the theater but the guy who said he’d help him, 25 penguins still in tow. “What happened!” the truck driver screams. “I told you to take them to the zoo!” “I did,” the man answers. “But I had a little money left over, so I thought I’d take them to a movie too.”