Author: admin

Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, And they didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.” He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining,

“I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.” The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, “Small World!”

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.

Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his undressed patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”

An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. “How many children?” asks the council worker. “10” replies the blonde girl. “10???” says the council worker.

“What are their names?” “Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne” “Doesn’t that get confusing?” “Naah…” says the blonde girl “its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER’S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”

“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed council worker. “That’s easy,” says the girl… “I just use their surnames”

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her c*garette, and continued smoking.

First Lady: Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel

A poorly dressed woman entered a fancy restaurant. All the customers looked at her with scorn. The woman was wearing a ragged old dress and had a sloppy look. The hostess immediately ran up to her not even trying to hide her disgust. “Madam you have probably mistaken the place for somewhere else.” All she wanted was to quickly get rid of this unwelcome guest. The woman looked at her shyly and asked is this grandson’s restaurant? The people in the dinning hall began to whisper and giggle. The hostess looked at the woman with a pitiful look you’re right. This is. What do you want madam? Immediately call the administrator! Shouted one of the disgruntled visitors, I booked a table here in advance not for this beggar to watch me eat! The old lady lowered her head and said softly I will not take much of your time dear.

I have only one request the hostess reluctantly invited the elderly woman inside, to the sound of general disapproval and averted shouts. I would have called security if I were you! Did you notice how she smells? That’s a nightmare! The visitors didn’t hide their feelings at all. The woman went to the showcase with desserts and peered at it for a long time.

The waiters giggled if she hopes to eat here for free she is not getting anything! It seemed the woman did not pay attention to their disapproval. Tell me Honey is it possible to buy only half of the lemon cake? How much will it cost? I have $17 she asked clutching some crumpled old notes in her hand. The waiters barely restrained laughter. “Madam I don’t think you have enough money even for one slice of this cake!” This is a work of art by our chef! Moreover we don’t sell it in halves. The elderly lady turned pale, it seemed that something had collapsed inside her. Slowly she hobbled back to the exit.

Suddenly she was called by a man dressed in military uniform sitting next to his wife in the corner of the restaurant. “Madam comes here please! You don’t look very happy! Has something happened?” He asked with a charming smile. “My daughter. She was very sick. When she was a kid, we passed by this restaurant and she used to look at the shop windows for a long time. We dreamed of eating the lemon cake here one day but then she got sick. My husband left and I got several jobs to feed us. We have no money to continue the treatment and this cake is the only thing I can do for her now.

But I only have $17. “The tears rolled down her face. Without hesitation the military man summoned the waiter and asked him to pack a whole lemon cake for the woman at his expense. He said today is 17 years since we lost out son Alex. He died in a car accident. My wife and I couldn’t do anything through she is a doctor. 17 years and 17 dollars in your pockets if this is not a sign from above then what is? His wife gave the elderly woman her business card and promised to help with her daughter’s treatment. When the waiter brought out the lemon cake for the lady a grateful smile appeared on her face. She thanked the military couple and headed for the exit. There was deathly silence in the restaurant as no one felt like giggling anymore.

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.

The wife said, ” Where are you, you know we have lots to do?!” He said, “You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. “Yes, I do remember that shop….” she replied. “Well I am in the bar next to that.”

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church. “Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.” “Why not?” “Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.

First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me. Everyone is always talking about me behind my back. And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going. First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm. Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”

There is a group of people who have some problems that are very unique. These are the people who are responsible for shaping the next generation and how they handle things is going to make a difference in all of our futures. There are times, however, when all of their efforts fall flat and you just have to smile and hope for the best. That fact is clearly seen in these answers to last year’s GED exam. After you read them, you might just want to buy a ticket on the next rocket ship off of this rock.

The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16-year-olds).

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs ..

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section.’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A.. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact, she wasn’t bad at all! I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double?”

“What’s that?”, I asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome”, she replied. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, “No, I haven’t”. We drank a bit more and she said with a wink, “Tonight’s going to be your lucky night!”.

We went back to her place. I was nervous with anticipation of the fantastic night ahead, and an experience to always remember. We walked in, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs,… “Mom, you still awake?”

The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?” A blonde carefully works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15?” After 15 or 20 seconds she says, “Eighteen!” Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.” So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?” After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, “Ninety?”

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!” The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, “OK! OK! Just one more chance – what is 2 plus 2?” The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?” Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream… “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”