Author: admin

He asks his father for advice. The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work.
These are food, family, and philosophy.”

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain.
Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds.He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: “Do you like spinach?” She says “No,” and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.
He asks, “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card.

He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl the following question:
“If you had a brother, would he like spinach?”

An old man is laying in bed, he only has a day or two left.
He wakes up to the smell of his favorite thing in the world, chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen.

So he musters all his energy and pulls himself out of bed and then drags himself down to the kitchen because he can no longer walk.

He makes his way into the kitchen and using the last of his strengthhe reaches for the plate of cookies on the counter and just as he is about to grab one of his prizeshis wife slaps his hand away and says “Don’t eat those cookies they’re for the funeral!”

A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar Suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: “I’ll do anything you’d like Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game

I want 100 dollars, and there’s another condition”. Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. She replies, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 ten-dollar bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in the eye, and says slowly and clearly: “Paint my house.”

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A woman passing by remarks,

“If you were any sort of a gentleman,

you would lift your hat to a lady.”

He replies, “If you were any sort of a hot lady,

the hat would lift by itself.”

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that blondes are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the blonde would like to play a fun game.The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.

“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says.This catches the blonde’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, but reaches into her pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00. The blonde pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the blonde up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?” The blonde reaches into her pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week.’We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’ My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW, that’s more than twice a week!. You could learn a lot from him.’

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, ‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, she said, ‘That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.’

I looked at her and said, ‘Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.’

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Dillon, Montana for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, “Oh, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact, she wasn’t bad at all!I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double?” “What’s that?”, I asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome”, she replied. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, “No, I haven’t”.

We drank a bit more and she said with a wink, “Tonight’s going to be your lucky night!”. We went back to her place. I was nervous with anticipation of the fantastic night ahead, and an experience to always remember.

We walked in, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs,… “Mom, you still awake?”

Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way.

I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. he car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.

“I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.

”Sam continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head. ”There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.”

“Why not?” he asks. She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”
The husband says, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.

”She says, “No, I’m definitely de*d. ”He insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead? ”“Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”