Fred and Mary get married but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, He asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, No. Johnny asks, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Just go to school.
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, Is Fred and Mary up yet?? She replies, No. Johnny says, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.
After school, he comes home and asks, Is Fred and Mary up yet? His mom says, No. Johnny asks, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, OK! What do you think?? He says, Well, last night Fred came in my room for some Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue….
One evening last week, my wife and I got into bed. We were fooling around, the passion started to heat up, when she suddenly says: “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said, “WHAT? Then what was all that about?!?” Then she uttered the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch enough with my emotional needs as a woman, for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”
She saw my puzzled look and said, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I decided to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her “we’ll just buy them all”. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”She was almost nearing ecstatic satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.” I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.” Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT??!!!”
Then I said, “Really, honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch enough with my financial needs as a man, for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. “I’ll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don’t expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.
I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said,
“No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night, whether you’re here or not.”
A woman decides to tidy up her husband’s closet and hidden in a corner at the bottom of everything she finds 4 eggs and a nice wad of money. She immediately starts counting them and discovers that they are 10,000 euros! She immediately calls her husband and asks for explanations.
“Paolo, can you explain to me what the hell 4 eggs are doing with your clothes?”He’s embarrassed, he lowers his voice and replies: “Well, dear, we’ve been married for 25 years and in all this time, like all couples, we’ve had our ups and downs…” “So?
” the woman exhorts him. “And so I thought of taking an egg from the fridge and hiding it here every time you made me angry…” The wife seems to calm down, her answer surprises her, so she asks:
“And the 10. “Honey, I certainly couldn’t keep eggs in the closet all my life, when I reached a dozen, I sold them down at the market! That’s the proceeds!
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: “Your b*tt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.
” With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s b0ttom. “Yes, I was right, your b*tt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!! ” The wife chooses to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-a$s grill for one little ween!e?
An elderly man has owned this large farm in Louisiana for many years. Right at the back of the farm, there is a large pond that is ideal for swimming. The old farmer fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening, the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hasn’t been down there for a while. Before setting off, he grabs an empty bucket as he decides he’ll bring back some fruit. As he nears the pond, he can hear voices shouting and laughing with glee. Clearly, some people are having a good time.
As the farmer gets closer, he can see a bunch of young women who are obviously skinny-dipping in his pond. He makes the women aware of his presence and immediately, they all swim over to the far end. One of the women shouts, “We’re not coming out until you leave, mister!”
The farmer replies, “Ladies, I didn’t come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond. You carry on.” The wily old timer then holds up his bucket and says, “I just came down here to feed the alligators!”
A woman died and went to heaven… She got to the pearly gates to find an angel waiting.
“What do I have to do to get in?,” she asked.
“You just have to spell a word,” the angel replied. “That doesn’t sound bad, what word do I have to spell?”
“Love.” Relieved, the woman quickly fired off, “L-O-V-E”.
The angel nodded and opened the gate.Many months passed and one day the angel guarding the gate approached the woman and asked if she would mind watching the gate for the day. The woman agreed and assumed her post. While she’s there, a man approached the gate, and it was none other than her husband!
“Oh, my love!,” she cried, “What has happened to you so soon?” “My dear, I was a wreck the day you left me. I fell into a deep depression that couldn’t be beaten. When you were in that accident, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I could do nothing but mourn for you,” he said.
“I hope you eventually were able to move on and not live with that pain for too long,” she consoled.
“Actually,” he replied, “There was a nurse that took wonderful care of you, and me as well!”
“We eventually became very close, and she helped me so much. I eventually asked her to marry me. We were on our honeymoon when I got into a terrible skiing accident.”
“That’s why I’m here! so… what do I have to do to get in?”
“You simply have to spell a word,” she informed him.
“That’s it? What a relief! What word do I have to spell?,” he inquired.
She replied,
“Baccalaureate.”
After driving for about sixteen hours a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.
“Can you tell me the time, please?” asks a jogger. “Yeah, it’s 4:30,” answers the trucker.He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.
“It’s 4:40!” yells the trucker.
Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: “I DON’T KNOW THE TIME”, and sticks the paper in his windshield.
The tragic passing of the well-known DJ Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss, 40, who was part of The Ellen DeGeneres Show from 2014 to the show’s conclusion earlier this year, left many in devastation.
With his passing, the world of dance lost a legend.
The saddest part of this loss is the fact that this man who brought laughter and joy wherever he went was suffering in silence and was battling depression.
Sadly, not many were aware of his condition as he hid it behind his gorgeously infectious smile.
tWitch’s unrivaled energy and creativity made him a vital part of the dance community and those who knew him will never forget him and his choreography which was known and recognized far and wide.
Many celebrities who knew tWitch took to the social media to share their condolences and show love and support to his family, wife Allison Holker and his three children.
Nigel Lythgoe, the creator and judge of the show So You Think You Can Dance, tWitch was part of, said he was “heartbroken and grieved” and “at a loss to understand how someone as adored and inspirational to
so many people as Stephen was would feel they are in such a dark place that they have no choice but to take their life.”
“With Twitch, it’s incomprehensible to me,” he stated. “He was always cheerful and smiling.
Every person he met admired him. Today will be a terrible day for the dance community, but my thoughts and prayers are with his wife, Allison and their children.
Ellen DeGeneres was among the first to post of her friend’s passing. “I’m heartbroken,” she wrote alongside a photo of her and tWitch hugging on the stage of her show.
“tWitch was pure love and light. He was my family, and I loved him with all my heart. I will miss him. Please send your love and support to Allison and his beautiful children – Weslie, Maddox, and Zaia.”
Michelle Obama, the former First Lady of the United States, who frequently appeared on the Ellen show, posted an Instagram photo of Boss’s family with the caption, “I was heartbroken to learn about the passing of Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss, who I got to know over the years through my Let’s Move! Initiative and visits to The Ellen Show.”
Among those who were left devastated by this loss was singer and actress Jennifer Lopez.
Lopez shared plenty of photos of her and tWitch with whom she worked in the World of Dance. “Twitch has such a beautiful and shining soul. Astounded and heartbroken. “Love and strength to @sir twitch a lot, his wife, and their children,” she wrote.
