The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special. Price is immaterial. At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $140,000’ the jeweler said. “It’s the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah.”
The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, ‘We’ll take it.’The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘Sir… There’s no money in that account!’
‘I know,’ said the old man… “But can you imagine the weekend I had?!”
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the “Chicken Surprise.” The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband. He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over, describes what is happening, and demands an explanation! “Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”
The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.” “Ah… so sorry,” says the waiter, “I bring you Peeking Duck.”
An Amish lady was driving her horse drawn buggy to town with her young son when she was stopped by a highway patrol officer. “I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer, “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”
“I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as we return home.” “Also,” said the officer, “I noticed that one of the reins to your horse is tied around your horse’s testicles. Some might consider this to be ‘cruelty to animals’ so you’d best have your husband check this, too.”
“Again I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband check this also when I return home.” True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector and her husband said that he would repair it immediately.
“Also,” said the Amish lady, “the policeman said that there was something wrong with our emergency brake.”
On their first date, a man asked his companion if she’d like a drink with dinner. “Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said. Later, he offered her a cig*rette.
“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said again. On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
“Okay,” his date replied. Shocked, he asked, “What will you tell your Sunday school class?”
“The same thing I always tell them,…”
“You don’t have to drink or smoke to have a good time.”
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple’s house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
“What are you doing?” she asked.“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered. “But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed. “This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you’re naked!”“Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.”
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress.
When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my love dress,” she replied.
“Needs ironing,” he says. “What’s for dinner?”
A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?” He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life on Harleys.
My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy’s Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I’ve been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker. ”She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women.”
Then she got up and left. The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, “Are you a real biker?” He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”
Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself…
“2+5, the son of a b**ch is 7”
“3+6, the son of a b**ch is 9″
His mother heard this & asked, ” Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?”
“Oh Mom. Don’t disturb. I am doing my maths homework”
Mom: “Is this how your teacher taught you?”
“Yes mom ”
Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:
“Are you teaching maths to children by saying… 2+2, the son of a b**ch is 4?”
There was silence for a moment
Then the teacher started laughing :
“What I taught them was… 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4.”
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods, the golfer.” “Well, he’s rich, famous, and handsome. I can understand that.”
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. “What are you doing?” asks the wife. “I’m hungry. I’m calling room service.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. “What are you doing now?” she asks. “I’m still hungry, so I’m going to ring room service for some food.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.” The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks,
“Are you calling room service?” “No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole!”
Ten ways your body is telling you something is wrong
Specialists say there are many signs that your body is showing you to tell something is wrong.
We made a list of these signs to help you prevent any health issues you may encounter on your way.
A crawling feeling in your legs
The symptom of restless leg syndrome is a disorder. It gives you the feeling that something is crawling on your legs.
Skin thickening can happen from a hormonal disorder, eczema, or allergies. Always talk to a doctor to understand the condition.
A change in handwriting and loss of smell
The slowness of movement, speech, and writing changes can be signs of Parkinson’s disease.
Aggressive behavior
Aggressive behavior can be a sign of depression. Researchers say that depression does not always appear with sadness.
Sleeping too much
Hypersomnia is a disorder, i.e., sleeping too much. Doctors say that some autoimmune diseases may cause the intense feeling of wanting to sleep anytime and anyplace.
Changes in eye color
If you are under 45 years old, a white or grey ring around the cornea of the eyes means you may have high cholesterol.
Craving only salty food
According to medical researchers, if you are only craving salty food all the time, it can be a sign of an iron deficiency, anemia, dehydration, or premenstrual syndrome.
Fatigue and a low libido
If you experience fatigue and have a low libido most of the time, it can be a sign of a thyroid hormone issue.
Feeling thirsty all the time
Feeling thirsty all the time can be connected to your salty food choices, but it can also be a sign of diabetes or pregnancy.
The need to chew ice
The need and want to chew ice can signify an iron deficiency or anemia. Take some blood tests to be sure!
Do you know any other symptoms that can tell a lot about your body? Tell us in the comments!
Years later, they get back together to discuss the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother for her 90th Birthday. The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote the first son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!” “Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to her third son, “You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious.”
