Author: admin

man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, Are these plates clean?” His grandfather replied, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal”. That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he asks again, “Are you sure these plates are clean”?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, “I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t ask me about it anymore!” Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass so he said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me out”. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, “Cold Water, Go lay down!”

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer: “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks: “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied: “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?” She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it.”
He says, “Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.”

She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, “What was that for?” She answers, “Your horse called.”

Old Jack only had moments to live. At his bedside were his family – his wife and four sons.

Three of whom had blond hair, the other had ginger. “Em, tell me please, I’ve always wondered why one of our sons had red hair. Is he really my son?”

Emma put her hand on her heart and swore fervently that, yes, he was his son.

“Oh thank goodness,” croaked the old man and he died with a smile on his face.

As the family left the room, the wife sighed deeply. “Thank heaven he didn’t ask about the other three.”

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.” The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “No he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases. On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things. On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The Maid quit. Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

A super hot woman arrived at a party.

While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”

That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”

“No,” she replied. “As a matter of fact I gave it to myself.

It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose ‘Carmen’”

“What’s your name?” she asked. He answered “B. J. Titsengolf.”

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl: “Nothing but the best for my little kitten.”

The girl at the cash register said: “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.

She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.” The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, “That smells like crap.”
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear: “Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?”
Never fool around with a Little old lady.

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink. So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man. “I am a bible scholar.” he replies. “A bible scholar? Hmmm,” the father says.

But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?” “I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.” “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies. “God will provide for us.” “And children?” asks the father.

“How will you support children?” “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions him, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, honey?” The father answers, “The bad news is, he has no job and no plans. The good news is he thinks I’m God.”

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us.” “Oh this is great” said the teller: “And will you be working on the house again this week, too?” The little girl replied, “I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**kin’ sheetrock…” Kids say the darndest things, don’t they? Just be aware that they repeat everything they hear.