Author: admin

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of Morrisons Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked:

“Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?” The little boy replied: “Sure! Just go straight down this street and at the end turn to your right.”

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new minister in town. I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get To Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle. “Awww, come on.. You don’t even know the way to the Post Office.”

After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice. “Hi Sweetheart, it’s Mike I’m on the Train.

Yes, I know it’s Six thirty and not four thirty, but I had A Long Meeting. No, honey, I was not with Paula from the Accounts Office, I was with the Boss attending the meeting. No Sweetheart, you’re the only one in My life. “Yes, I’m sure dear”. Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the Young Woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone. “Darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed.” Now, mike is back from the hospital and doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out.

A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter. The old man says, “I’m a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob).”

The young jogger says, “Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?” The old man says, “I can’t remember where I live.”

A blonde walks into a store to buy a new Television She looks around for a while and finds the perfect TV for herself She approaches the salesman and says “I would like to buy this TV.” The salesman says “sorry, we cannot sell you this in good faith, I don’t think you know what you’re looking for.”

Upset, the blonde storms out and thinks to herself “He won’t sell me the TV because I’m a woman and he thinks I need a man to choose for me, I’ll show him.”
She goes and buys a disguise with a short haired wig and fake mustache then later returns to the store dressed as a man. She looks around and finds her TV again and walks it over to the counter.

In her best male voice she says “Good evening sir, I would like the purchase this TV.” The salesman sees right through her disguise and says “aren’t you the blonde woman from earlier? I told you I will not sell you this.”

The blonde gets upset and storms out once more thinking to herself “So he won’t sell me the TV because I’m blonde, figures! I’m coming back and I’ll get that TV!” She goes to a local salon and has her hair and eyebrows dyed brunette and once again returns to the store. She picks up her TV and puts it on the counter and says “I would like to purchase this television.”

The salesman slams his hands on the counter and says “Lady listen you can’t keep coming back here and trying to purchase this!” Confused the blonde says “How did you know it was me? You saw through both disguises, are you some sort of detective?”
The salesman replies “I know it’s you because you’ve been trying to buy a microwave all day, not a goddamn TV!”

A doctor goes out and buys the fastest and flashiest car he can find, a brand new Ferrari 488, costing him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 80 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”The doctor grins and replies, “A brand new Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!” “Because this car can do up to 225 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly. The old moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be… and suddenly… WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 200 mph.
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old geezer, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 225 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops, jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive! He runs up to the bruised old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers, “Well son, you can unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

The Dad explains why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12 A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?” To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.” “Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively, “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool.” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?” “Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “Two for Friday, Two for Saturday, and Two for Sunday.” “WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men,…” With a tear in his eye, he continued,… “One for January, one for February, one for March……. ”

A Kansas farmwife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on a few occasions, When it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber’s house.

The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by p!ssing and moaning.
I just thought you’d like to know.

The husband comes home and worried because he has a scratch on his chest caused by a fingernail from his mistress, opens the door seeing the cat asleep on the couch, gives him a tremendous kick.

The cat “screams” a loud meow and runs out the door. The wife comes in the living room and asks what happened and he angrily replied:

“This cat seems crazy, I was walking in and, just like that, he jumped on me and scratched me in the chest.”
“Look at that hell of a scratch!” The woman replied: You did very well, today this fool has bitten my a***s and gave me one hell of a hickey on my neck.

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”

Then she hide under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. “She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like. “He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote… “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. “There is a blind man to see you,” she says. “Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower.

Send him in.” The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them.

She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: “That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds.