Author: admin

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.

” Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four . What’s going on?” “Nonsense,” said the wife.

“You’re so drunk you miscounted Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.” The husband climbed out of the bed and counted

One, two, three, four . You are right you know

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been best friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”

“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.”

“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” Insisted the voice.

“Bertha! Where are you?”

“In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.

“The good news,” Bertha said, “Is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

Bertha replies,

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away.”

The second lady said, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can’t remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down.”

The third lady chimed in, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have those problems. Knock on wood.” With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, “That must be the door. I’ll get it.”

An elderly man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test: “Here is your first question.” The foreman says. “Without using numbers, represent the number nine?” “Without numbers?” The old man says. “That’s easy.” And he proceeds to draw three trees. “What’s this?” The boss asks. “Have you no brain? Tree plus tree plus tree makes nine.” Says the old man.

“Fair enough.” Says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99?”
The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree and hands it back.

The boss scratches his head and says. “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” “Each of the trees is dirty now. So, it’s a dirty tree plus a dirty tree plus a dirty tree. That makes 99.” “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100?” The old man stares into space again; he then picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and hands it back.

The boss looks at the man’s picture. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred?” The old man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers. “A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100.”

Little Brandon and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Brandon received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Brandon! Please wait until we say our prayer!” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” explained Brandon. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.” The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook,

“This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?” “No,” the cook said, “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”

“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

1. “If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. “Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer. “Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

2. The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

3. The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked,

“Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

4. Physics Teacher: “Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?”

Student: “Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.”

5. Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?

Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.

Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?

Joseph: The sign said, “SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!”

Sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way”.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200!!!”

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge,
so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks,

“Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?” She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says,

“Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting.

You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.