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A Boy and his father in a mallAn Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?” The father [never having seen an elevator] responded “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is. ” While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, “Go get your mother.”

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says,

“How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! “ “What a coincidence,” he said, “This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.” “This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating!” says the woman.

“What a coincidence,” says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”

“What a coincidence,” says the man.

“I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” says the woman,

“How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I switched cocks,” he replied.

She smiled and said, “What a coincidence!”

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife

and says: “Your b*tt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.

” With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s b0ttom. “Yes, I was right, your b*tt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!! ” The wife chooses to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks. She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-a$s grill for one little ween!e?

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed.

that you gave me a pearl necklace

for Valentine’s Day. “What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small

package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it, only to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s 3:30 in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch.

It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. “Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push??” “No, get lost! It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband. “It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?” And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.” So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” The Playground and the drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”

A husband and wife are getting cozy in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.” The husband asks why.

She explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store.

They walk around and she tries on three very expensive outfits. He then tells his wife “We’ll take all three of them”. They then get matching shoes, a set of diamond earrings and a diamond bracelet. The wife is so excited she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care and goes to the pay desk.

Her husband says, ” No – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.”. His wife’s face goes blank. “No honey – I just want you to hold this stuff for a while. Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the husband says “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!

The ‘Middle Wife’ by an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.

Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it they’re welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my baby brother, and. I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’ She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. ‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) ‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) ‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!’ (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!) ‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.’ Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it’s Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said, “I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded,
“Have you been fooling around on me?”
His wife confessed, “Not this time.”

A very sick woman on her sick bed said to her husband: Honey if I die, how long would it take you before you marry a another wife…?! The man replied: Till your grave becomes dry my love.

Then she said: Are you promising me this…? Husband replied: Of course darling… I promise you. And after her demise, her husband began to visit her grave everyday for a period of one year. And the grave was always wet, it never became dry…!!!

And a day came when he visited the graveyard … And a day came when he visited the graveyard in the evening, he found her brother in the graveyard. He then asked him: Jason what are you doing here…? He replied: I’m fulfilling the wish of my only sister. She said I should please come here everyday to wet her grave.