Category: jokes

One of the things we are all going to have to face when we are married is difficult questions. Some of them are answered without much thought but others require some careful consideration.

That was what happened when a wife asked a husband to describe her. If there was ever a loaded question, this absolutely fits the description.

As you will see in the following joke, the answer is not always what you think it may be. In fact, there may be more to it than you ever thought possible. Enjoy the laugh!

After 15 years of marriage, the wife asked her husband to describe her.

The husband looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said, “ABCDEFGHIJK.”

“What does that mean?” She asked.

“Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous, and Hot!!!” he replied.

Wife Smiling asked, “So sweet of you honey. What about IJK?”
He replied, “I’m Just Kidding!

There are things in the world around us that we might consider obvious and other things that might slip our attention. When we miss something that might be obvious to others, they may call us a name, perhaps even blonde. As it turns out, blondes not only have more fun, it seems that they are also the target of many of the funniest jokes online. Although this joke might not be exactly PC, it is sure to make you laugh

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss.

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

“No way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday.”

There are many types of jokes and more than likely, you have a favorite. When you hear one of these jokes starting, you almost know from the beginning that you will be laughing at the end.

One popular type of joke is a blonde joke. These can be anything from slightly amusing to outrageously funny. This one falls somewhere in the middle, but it is one worth sharing.

We also have a second joke included. The extra laugh is sure to make you feel good all day.

She contacted her friend seeking advice, and her friend inquired about the mileage on her car. “It’s at 235,000 miles,” she replied.

Her friend pointed out that this might be the root of her problem. However, her friend had a suggestion – her brother, a mechanic, could easily adjust the mileage to whatever she desired.

Acting on this advice, the woman visited the mechanic and requested that he reset the mileage to 25,000.

Two days later, her friend asked if she had managed to sell the car after her brother’s mileage adjustment.

With a smirk, the woman responded, “Why would I sell the car when it’s only showing 25,000 miles on the clock?”

Another Funny Joke…

Attempting to Flirt with a Flight Attendant

In an airport lounge, a man finds himself alone. Just then, a striking young woman enters and takes a seat at the adjacent table. The man, noticing her uniform, assumes she’s an off-duty Flight Attendant.

Determined to impress her, he tries to strike up a conversation by correctly identifying the airline she works for.

Leaning toward her, he confidently asks, “Is the British Airways motto, ‘To fly, to serve’?”

The young woman gazes at him, clearly puzzled.

Undeterred, he tries another approach, leaning in again and offering the Air France motto, “Winning the hearts of the world”?

Once more, she gives him a bemused look.

Undaunted by her reactions, he attempts another tactic, this time mentioning the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations”?

With a stern expression, the woman retorts, “What the heck do you want?”

Proudly, he exclaims, “Ah-ha!… United Airlines.”

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs.Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn’t want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn’t want the Uber driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the Uber all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing into the Uber all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the car pulled away, “Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard….she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again. “The silence in the Uber was deafening…..

This Man Lost His Job Due To Downsizing. But Never Expected This From His Wife. On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for s*x, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business! ‘That’s when she shot him!. You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.

Wife Decides To Try Something New For Her Husband….What He Says When He Comes Home Is Priceless A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly to a recently married couple’s house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch completely naked. “What are you doing?” She asked.

“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered. “But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed. “This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained. “Love dress? But you’re naked! “Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. “Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch. “What are you doing?” he asked. “This is my love dress,” she replied. “Needs ironing,” he says ” What’s for dinner?”

My daughter just phoned me and the conversation went like this!.. Her: “You know that Gladiator movie that I got you?” Me: “Yeah. “Her: “Wind it forward one hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds.

“Me: “Right, I’ve done that”, Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion! “Me: “I can see that, yeah. ”Her: “Just behind him, there are two, Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion! “Me: “I can see that, yeah. “Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other! “Me: Okay, I see them. “Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a woman gladiator holding a spear. “Me: “Yes! I can see her! “Her: Right..! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday.

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and was quite itchy.The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did this and returned to class. about it.

He did this and returned to class. Suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. “I thought I told you to call your Mum!” she said. “I did” he said, “and she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she’d come and pick me up from school”.

Don’t kids just say the funniest things? That is part of the beauty of having a child. Every day they come up with something new to say that makes you burst out laughing. 4-Year Old Calls 911 When your child is young, you teach them to call 911 for emergencies. It is a pretty important thing to learn and you hope your kid remembers during a true emergency. However, there are times kids have called 911 when it was not a true emergency at all.

There are plenty of occasions where you read about kids calling 911. Sometimes the operator is friendly and other times the child gets reprimanded for calling. This four-year-old boy, Johnny, called because he truly was in what seemed to be an emergency for him: not understanding his math homework. This was an emergency in his mind! He couldn’t remember how to subtract numbers and he was struggling.

Luckily, the operator was kind and understanding and even helped him figure out his homework. During their call, you can hear his mom come in and asked him who he is talking to. He then explains innocently that he called the police because that’s what his mom told him if he needed help with something. After realizing what her son had done, she exclaims that what she taught him didn’t mean the police and then the audio ends.

It’s very upsetting to lose a partner after forty years of marriage. Feeling lonely is something that happens right away, but it gets worse over time. It hurt more than anything else for me to feel alone after my husband Henry died of a heart attack. I was too sad to do anything else but be with my family. I have two boys, Jack and Edward. Edward moved to Oxford right after college because he was given the chance to study more. He calls me every night to talk about our days. Jack, on the other hand, lives not far from me. He is married to Lucy and has a son whose name is after my husband. Now that Henry bought this big house when we were just starting our family, I’m living by myself in it. I’ve been trying to decide whether to sell it, move out by myself, or live with Jack, as he offered. I chose to move in with Jack. It would bring me the most comfort. But I had no idea that Lucy had other ideas for where I would stay. When I moved in with Jack and his family, I asked my sister to help me pack up the old place. So, I was at their door with my bags at my feet. I was ready to live with Lucy as her mother and grandmother and take over the kitchen whenever she needed me to. Lucy opened the door for me with a coffee mug in her hand and told me that their house was so crowded that Henry Jr.’s room was the only one that was good for use. She didn’t want to change anything about the room, though. It was for Henry when he got back from college for a term. That made sense to me. I didn’t want to be a bother because it was his place.

I thought Jack would have taken care of things for me, though, since he asked me to move in if I needed to. “Cecile, we’ve got a bit of a space issue, as you can see,” Lucy echoed. “You’ve got two options,” she continued. “There is the basement, or there’s a nursing home. Your call, grandma. ”You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. Let me tell you about their basement now. There’s no room that’s been turned into a basement like you might find in some homes, so you can’t use it for crafts, games, or sewing. It’s not a den or a cozy place for guests. Jack’s basement is more like a prison because it is cold and damp, and the bedframe sighs every time you move. The cushion has sharp springs. I didn’t need this kind of comfort. “Lucy,” I said, shuffling my weight from one foot to the other. “I appreciate the options, dear. But I’ll pass on the basement and nursing home combo. ”Here comes my son, trying to make peace. He walked up behind Lucy and put his arm around her waist. “Mom, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking when I invited you to stay. Lucy has a point. We’re tight on space. I promise to get some furniture for the basement to make it comfortable for you. ”I didn’t want to live in a basement. I wasn’t ready for a nursing home yet. So I just did something about it myself. I pulled my bags to the car and drove to my niece’s house. I stayed there for a week while I looked for a house to buy. The house was already for sale, and I knew I’d have plenty of cash to buy a small apartment for myself after it was gone. My niece helped me move in after everything was set up, and I felt strong. I might not have needed family as much as I thought I did. Edward was worried about me being by myself, but I told him I would be okay. Not long after, I moved into my new apartment. It was a cozy one-bedroom, just right for me and the cat I wanted to adopt. Nice thing was that it was already set up, so I didn’t have to think about anything. Then Jack called and asked Lucy and me to have dinner together. It made me wonder what they wanted from me as I drove to their house. As we ate dinner, I told them I had moved out on my own and bought an apartment. “I thought you were staying with Mia,” Jack said, referring to my niece. “You can’t be serious!” Lucy both yelled at the same time. “I did stay with Mia until I moved. I needed my own space. ”It turned Jack red when he said, “You said that you want to be around family, so I offered. “Yes, but if it meant being shipped off to a nursing home or having to stay in your basement, I think I’m better off alone. ”After that, I left. After a few weeks, I got my cat. But I also changed my will to leave everything to Edward. Even though I told them I didn’t need the money, he keeps putting it in my account every month. “A son must help his Mom,” he said. I said no to moving to another country with him when he asked. At least for now, I had to be close to where Henry sleeps. I went from having problems in the basement to having my own cozy home. Life sure does throw you for a loop.