Category: jokes

A boy comes back from school, disappointed, because he got a 0 on a geography exam. “The teacher gave me a zero because I couldn’t answer a question on Portugal,” he said.

His mother asked, “What was the question? “Where’s Portugal.” “The idiot teacher, I’m going to call the principal’s office. In the meantime we’re going to find where Portugal is.” She gets a map of the state and can’t find Portugal. Then she gets a map of the region and still can’t find Portugal. She gets a map of the city and can’t find Portugal. “I swear Portugal can’t be far. The maid is from Portugal and she comes here to work everyday on her bicycle.”

My wife and I got stuck in an elevator and when we got home, we told the story to our kids.

They just looked at us and said. “Soooo….. …did ya get out? “Soooo….. …did ya get out?” My wife and I looked at each other and made a pact to go ahead and start drinking away their college fund.

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out… “Pa you need to go out and fix the outhouse! ”Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin’ wrong with it. ”Ma yells back, “Yes there is; now git out there and fix it.

”So…….Paw mosies out to the outhouse, looks around, and yells back, “Ma there ain’t nuthin’ wrong with this outhouse honey! Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole! ”Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin’ my head in that hole! ”Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.

”So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around, and yells back, “Ma – dadgummit there ain’t nuthin’ wrong with this outhouse! ”Ma hollers back, “Now take your head outta da hole! ”Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, and then starts yelling, “Ma – Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat! ”To which Ma replies, “Hurts, don’t it?”

A 47-year-old man boarded a plane on the way to see his daughter after his 43-year-old wife left to get Starbucks in the airport. It was already the second time she would make them miss their flight, so he no longer waited for her. A couple’s daughter, Jess, was receiving her college education in a different state and only saw her on holidays and some weekends. Family reunions are events Jess always looks forward to, so when the couple booked tickets to visit her, she was excited. Unfortunately, traveling together was not a pleasant experience. The man liked everything organized and did things on time.

When traveling, he likes having a headstart to the day in case unforeseen circumstances happen. However, his wife is quite the opposite, with a go-with-the-flow personality. Things took a turn for the worse when they were going to fly to Jess and missed their flight twice. A year ago, the couple booked a flight at 10 a.m. The man wanted to get to the airport 90 minutes early. Given they lived 30 minutes away, the man believed it was best to leave their home by 8 a.m. Besides the travel time, he allotted minutes for them to park the car and walk to the boarding area.

That day, the man woke up at 6 a.m. to double-check everything. He tried to wake up his wife five times to no avail. Finally, she got up at 7:40 a.m. Despite supposedly having only 20 minutes, she made her coffee, showered, and ate a bowl of cereal. As a result, they left home around 9 a.m. Unfortunately, the airport was busier than usual. Because of the long lines going through security, the couple missed their flight. The airline also refused to refund their ticket. The man got new tickets for the next day, which meant missing nearly an entire day with their daughter. “Jess was disappointed, to say the least,” the man said.

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.” The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out. ”The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

“May I have your attention, please?”, she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14”. With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, “F** You!” Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.” Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain…

A Boy Catches His Mother Having An Affair. You Wont Believe What Happens Next. A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is. “Boy “I have a baseball.

“Man “That’s nice. “Boy~ “Want to buy it?” Man – “No, thanks.” Boy~ “My dad’s outside.” Man “OK, how much? Boy~ “$250” In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy “Its dark in here. “Man “Yes, it is. “Boy~ “I have a baseball glove. “The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy~ “$750” Man – “Fine. “A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.

“The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove. “The father asks, “How much did you sell them for? “Boy~ “$1,000” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess. “They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Its dark in here. “The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

A woman had been dating her boyfriend for a few months when she noticed a theme every time they went out to eat. After a while, she became tired of the situation and acted on her feelings. A 32-year-old woman had been dating her 39-year-old boyfriend, who had two young children, for nine months when they had a massive argument about something he was continuously doing to her. The woman then turned to Reddit to find out if she was wrong for how she reacted to the situation. Netizens weighed in on her situation, telling her what they thought of her boyfriend.

The woman was concerned about how she acted because she had done so in front of her boyfriend’s children, and he told her she was selfish for not considering them. The woman shared that her boyfriend’s children loved eating at restaurants, so they went out with them once a week. However, each time they went out to eat, her boyfriend would accidentally “forget” his card at home.Each time her boyfriend forgot his card, the woman would be forced to pay the bill. Initially, it didn’t bother her, but she said she had been left broke as she had paid for dinner many times in the previous month.

One night, the woman had just received payment from her second part-time job, and she and her boyfriend were going to dinner with his children again. Knowing that he often “forgot” his wallet, she sent him a text reminding him to bring it. Her boyfriend laughed the text off.When they arrived at the restaurant, her boyfriend’s children ordered many new things off the menu, which the woman said were relatively pricey. Before they dove into their meals, the woman asked her boyfriend about his wallet to ensure he had remembered to bring it this time around. When she asked about it, her boyfriend had a shocked expression and patted his pockets, looking for the wallet.After searching for his wallet for a while, he looked at the woman with an ashamed expression and said, “Guess I forgot it in the other pair of jeans that I thought I was going to wear.” The woman’s boyfriend asked her if she could pay for dinner this time, but the woman had had enough and grabbed her things, ready to leave the restaurant without getting the chance to eat dinner.

When her boyfriend saw that the woman was leaving, he demanded to know what she was doing and where she was going. She told him she was not prepared to pay for him and his children again and walked out of the restaurant.Later, the woman’s boyfriend phoned her to tell her she was selfish for leaving him and his children in that situation. The woman responded that she would not pay for him and his children each time they went on a date because she didn’t feel it was fair. The man yelled that he had forgotten his wallet and that she had shown no sympathy for him and his children. He also told her he had to cancel their food order and take his children home hungry because he could not afford their meals.The couple got into an argument, and the woman’s boyfriend told her he would need to relook at how she was treating his children. He reiterated that she was willing to let them go hungry because of her selfishness. When she shared the post on Reddit, she revealed that her boyfriend was still angry at her for what she had done at dinner. Redditors weighed in on the situation, with most reaching the consensus that he was using her. What would you have done if you were the woman? Do you think she was right to walk out on her boyfriend and his children after he forgot his wallet, or should she have paid for them and discussed it with her boyfriend after they left the restaurant.

Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren. Dolly said, “Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous chequeinside.

I never hear from them… never receive a thank you message. “Ruby replies, “I too send my you message. Ruby replies, “I too send my grandchildren a very generous cheque I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.” “Wow! How come ?”remarked Dolly. “Very simple solution… I don’t sign the cheque.

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, Sir I must have misunderstood you what did you say?” “Listen up, damn it I said I want to open a damn checking account now! “I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.

”The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.

The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that sort of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no damn problem,” the man says, “I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!” “I see,” says the manager, “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

Angry Wife Confronts Her Husband But Is Shocked When He Says This Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?” consider selling all your cars. Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, “Darling, what’s wrong? “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex wife.””Ex-wife!”, she screams, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” Tom’s reply: “I wasn’t”.